Humanity

Well, hell’s bells.

I’m pissed really. Today’s prompt is ‘open heart’ and I ate a ton of highly hydrogenated sugars and so I fell into a slump and started to watch tv at noon. Lets talk resistance, shall we? or should we actually tackle the subject I am loathe to address? I mean, that’s an entirely novel idea, yes?

fuck the resistance. i’m so tired of it. what purpose does it serve me right now?

i got up, opened three doors in this house, turned the heat off and let the air rip through.

the subject:

Honestly, sometimes the lonely is crushing and worry about the lonely being eternal is a real thing. BUT there is the practical, nitty gritty detail of ‘am i willing to jump into another real thing?’ (no, there are no offers on the table, but I am back on a dating app and if the suggestion of a phone call makes me want to vomit, isn’t that something I should look into?)

Maybe I’m just not ready. Its really possible. Maybe I’m letting a whole lot of things make me nervous and insecure. Body, fitness, age. Maybe I’m tolerating a level of BS from old friends because of that. Maybe I let someone gaslight me this week and I realized it only afterwards, and I should have been quicker on the draw on that one. I have had enough therapy. I’ve even seen the goddamned movie.

The air rips through, babes. I don’t have to be stuck. Let it rip. Lets allow our hearts to be whatever they are and let the air flow through us until we are ready. Deal?

The air is blowing a lot of shit around that I thought I had cleaned up. Dust bunnies galore. The metaphor is so thick you can see it. Right?

Its a beautiful day here, and you can weep and gnash and nap and hide and that is fine. and sometimes you have to fling open the doors and get some help, even if it knocks shit around.

the wind just slammed this door, chair or not. so i think i’m good for a little bit.

Whoosh.

love love,

me.

Humanity

Oh Definitely: a Business Proposition.

The bath was good.

and, i don’t know man. the weight of these days is still here. I’m doing what i need to do, I have a therapy appt, a friend is going to hook me up with weight watchers, and i’m going to spend the day reading. I’m not even going to go get the tomato i need for the tacos. (tomato be damned. kids will eat beans, meat and cheese and be damn happy about it.)

here are some good words :

  1. jump
  2. popcorn
  3. wherewithal
  4. liminal
  5. rainbow (so damn literal and yet hardly.)
  6. burble
  7. knee (the knights that say Ni)
  8. sheep
  9. bologna
  10. marshmallow
  11. luminary

I think i’m a fan of the lumen. clearly.

these are words i jotted while in a class i am still taking in order to be a coach of sorts, to get people to see that they hold their own answers, and can actually figure their own shit out. how bout that? and while i think it is COMPLETELY worthwhile for someone to do this work, i’m embarrassed about it, for me.

because the blue collar in me poo-poos it. and it is so generational, and complex, just that sentence. has to do with my dad, and my utterly ridiculous self-identity as a toughie.

because i’m a total puff. marshmallow indeed. mostly.

partly, that is what is going to make me a great coach, because i love easily and freely. and want the best for all my people. the best of the best.

and how freaking obnoxious is that? is it going on a business card? am i going to frost my hair and wear crystals ?

shoot.

i’m not in that good of a mood today. but really?

i am the statue of liberty baby. ‘give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free… ‘

yeah, i can point your ass in the right direction.

try me.

Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO: TwentyEIGHT. Stumped.

I don’t know what to write. Its like being speechless.

Stumbling on anyhow.

On my last legs. (ha. not really.)

  1. I am stumped, its true. I don’t know what to write and I’m clearly not doing a thorough job. Or am I ? But like everyone else, I am freaking starved for communication so I will freaking drag my ass through the desert to the watering hole. You dig?
  2. After a solid decade of trying to complete an entire month of writing here, I think I’m going to do it for the first time. We will see. You know I may have just jinxed myself in a bad way.
  3. A woman named Anna Lovind runs a class called the Creative Doer and its awesome and you should do it if you feel at all inclined to the creative or the dream following. At least go look.
  4. My moods are wildly in flux right now. I think I’m due for my menstrual cycle soon, because it is wild to try to swim through this. I put up the lights on the porch to begin the season of lights against the night, and went through some serious rage to be doing it by myself. serious rage. at my ex. at the men who have not appeared. at myself. at God. And then some tears and gut-wrenching sadness and I sent some texts of self-deprecation and braggadocio. oh man. the lights are up in their mismatched glory. not in a cute way either. there’s no shabby chic about it. BUT LIGHTS UP, and THE DARKNESS!! and i have to be satisfied or I’ll be bothered until the fuses blow.
  5. I’m working through things in my dreams I think, because I’m still having ex show up. Its a weird unreality as he’s more real in my dreams than he is in person. And look at that sentence, right? How strange is that? I think it makes a lot of sense when I think about assigning an object all the weight of the world, in order to relieve some of the stress i carry. (now and always I recognize my luck in that my stresses are of the extreme privilege kind.)
  6. I thought about doing an entire post on green, the greens i can see from here, the greens i don’t want to eat, the greens of the winter season, the swag for the door my mom and I made on Thanksgiving. And then I got distracted by my own random capitalization problem. so there.
  7. My first kid just got up and its almost 9 o’clock in the morning. This is a very early Christmas miracle. Oh my god, another one. its like dominos.
  8. I’m teaching all three kids how to do their own laundry today. The eldest already knows but its time for some of the mountains to be moved, and not by me. This is what happens on ‘mom weekends’ and whooopeee.
  9. I’m also keeping them busy with chores. Its Saturday and I’m channeling my father. Hopefully I will not break down into rage and everything will get done. I am keeping my standards very low. And yes, they’ve always done chores, but this is a concentrated morning of work, because its a rare day that I do not have work and they do not have a single sports event of any kind. Happy Thanksgiving kids, grab a broom.
  10. It took me ages to get here to #10. I have no idea what to put in here and one laundry lesson is chugging away merrily already. I’ve suggested a porn site to a friend and I’m eating a cinnamon raisin bagel. rotund.

Sigh. sometimes I just have to offload the brain’s extra materials, and today it wound up here. What do you get filled up with?

Eddie, the beloved one.

Divorce, Humanity

Pitchfork…

  • into this space please insert all the things i cannot and willnot leave behind for posterity about the many things i feel about the man who I divorced. let that be as powerful as saying I married him. why should i keep valuing one over the other?
  • i’ve got pizza sitting next to me that crisped up in the oven and i’m debating very seriously whether burning the roof of my mouth is worth it.
  • i’m planting things but have zero faith that i will ever get them into the ground because they are so spindly. and i am thrilled that the word ‘spindly’ is still around.
  • plus, how many carrots will my kids eat, realistically?
  • i wish i really drank, like on the regular, so that it was part of my life. isn’t that an absurd wish? now, when stressed or emotionally stretched out, i don’t have an easy fix… or if i do have a glass of wine, i have a headache before i even feel a buzz. so. that seems a miss. but i miss it, that brain shutdown, what we call the fall of ‘inhibitions’ but are really just normally healthy boundaries? i want to shed them more often and still manage to watch out for my kids, as a functioning fucked up adult. Does that make sense?
  •  I am worried that i’m not going to regain my proofreading clients when this is done, and that i’ll be back to a square i don’t want to be on.
  •  I am aware that if I were isolated like this and still married like I was, that I would be one of the people you should be worried about, the isolation and the misery combining to unsafe.
  •  The mental health of all of us in my house right now is becoming my ringadembells item, and i’m just as unhinged as they are, but am the grownup.  I am reminding them that all the feelings are okay and that they all will pass, with time, and that nobody has a ‘right’ way to be. its all i can do, that and feed them.
  • my kids have too much screen time. i’ll care later. i obviously care now, but see item previous item, and include ‘screentime guilt’ on the list of feelings that moms are allowed to have and to let pass.
  •  my eyes constantly fill with tears for and of these kids and these times… sometimes it is overwhelm, and disbelief, and sometimes it is laughter and those are the best times.
  • Pitchfork Unwifedmotherexpletive

 

Humanity

My 7-year-old plays Fortnite now.

and holy shit guys.

what’re you up to now that the world has shut down?

in truth, so far, about once a week I have a complete sobbing meltdown. the fear, the anxiety, the worry for the kids, for LM, for my mom and for everysingleperson.

LM is here, as he has severely compromised lungs and my place is best for not being full of germshare.

my kids dad doesn’t believe in the benefits of social isolation, so gave them to friends for a sleepover a little over a week ago.  he does not have much respect for my being an informed adult and seems to think i am a hysteric who gets her news from gossip.

so i am doing all that i can when i can and cursing his soul.  i hope he feels it. and yes, i am a little kidding, and some of me is not kidding at all.

and then there is hope. because, as hard as it is for me to believe, beneath all the layers of fear, anxiety, cynicism, despair, niggling worries, fear of schooling my children and deep betrayal lies a golden molten core of beauty and brilliant LIGHT that, evidently, cannot be dimmed.

and so she SHINES.

sometimes. when the night is dark and dreary, she flashes.  and i’m seeking her out, and holding hands, and

SEEKING HER OUT.

and i think it is saving me, and so there is that.

Carrots Unwifedmotherexpletive

and i’m hoping to re-enter this world here more often. but lets not hold our breaths.