I’m constantly starting over.
(Or, thats how it feels)
I’m figuring things out, and I rarely get it on the first try. So, I go again.
I think that the writing I did on ‘I want’ prompt made me so unhappy because it became a litany of things I need. It had no magic in it, it had only dreams that were practical in nature, things that are dreams because they would ease hardships, or heat-related tomfoolery. There were nightmares there, and I basically disdain any list that has nightmares on it. Don’t you? Come on now.
I needed to change the language for myself. So herein: A WISH LIST. (its the ticket for me.)
- I wish I could incorporate all of the greens I see out my window directly into my soul. That’s the feeling I want to have. That wild euphoric variation. (better than ice cream by a thousand)
- I wish I could more fully communicate with the birds who live in the trees outside my window. I’d love to know what’s going on with them.
- I wish I could flip a switch when my brain gets rattled and worried about all the things and just get back to the green.
- I wish old houses had old faeries to fix all the things. Should I start putting milk out at night for them, in case they are here? (noel, i’m smiling at you.)
- I wish I had more patience to wait and see the zinnias. I’m dying man. (and the dahlias? COME ON. I can hardly stand it.)
I do think that my life so far has not been about what I wanted entirely, but I did have time at college and I did make choices when I was ridiculously young, that were about my own wants and joys. So, there is that. I was a real go-with-the-flow girl and so i rode the wave, swept here and there.
When I think about wanting and my ‘life’, I really think about the past decade, the marriage and divorce and ‘when does kate grow up?’ years. I still have this niggling feeling that I’m ‘supposed’ to be doing something else, that someone disapproves of what I’m doing, or its not enough, or I should have a ‘real’ direction. (all whispered)
So. A wish list.
6. I wish I could still ride the wave, and go with the flow. MORE. I wish to do it MORE.
Still figuring it out,
****It’s the new moon today, so make your own list, what do you wish for? Its the day for setting new intentions!