Humanity

wedding week

Lovelovemotherexpletive

My sister is getting married this coming weekend. I’m so excited I can’t focus. (or is it the covid?) I can’t stop wandering around the house doing tiny inconsequential tasks that are filling up my time. I’ve got a heavy load in trying to make a tiny speech for the wedding and I’m filled up with memories of my dad and all the joy that there is in this situation. just filled up. and its spilling over and out and all around. who knows what will happen.

last time i talked to her about wedding stuff i was stunned to realize i was walking down the aisle. now there is something i have only ever done once, and in quite a different capacity. I’ve never been in a wedding before! I mean, bride doesn’t count at all in this instance and I’m feeling all dancey inside. Walking down before my sister?! what a crazy bit of wonder! THE BRIDE?! Holy smokes.

I really am this excited folks and no matter what i do or say, nothing is going to get in the way of this awesome new couple entering the world hand in hand.

So, wish me well, but even if i give a toast in Klingon or fall on my ass, there is nothing more gorgeous than ANNE AND STAN.

Raise your glass!!
LOVE LOVE.

-kate

bokeh effect
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Humanity

dudes, dames, and all the rest.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

its been ages again. so be it.

i’ve had covid this week, the full monty of fever, knockedflat grossness that seems to be its hallmark for me. lost a week’s worth of salary and i’m not going to lie, thats fucking horrible right now. but so damn what. right? I mean, lottery tickets don’t seem to work for me and i’ve just got to figure it out. i did definitely come to the conclusion that I cannot be bored like this again, any time soon. i don’t like tv enough. the pandemic definitely cured me of that. i’ve been hearing a lot of echos of 2020 this week.

i did read two books. the better one was by kerry clare, which was a good good read, a lovely long-term friendship story between women and their ways of dealing with motherhood, fertility, reproductive choices and friendship. the ways we rely on each other in that deep, ‘like a rock’ way until things like life and mates and work make rocks float and we get all worried about where the rocks have gone, and then we find them again. There are a few lines and descriptions that will be staying with me for a long time.

(kerry is not paying me for such a concise and sharply worded synopsis.)

its just women, or maybe me. the ways i’ll dip in and out of consciousness about my friendships, but how deeply i believe in them is unaltered. hm. i’m sure men have some version of something similar, i just can only speak for what i know myself.

and motherhood? what a shitshow of change-ups. the ways we almost die, gather our strengths again and then stretch so thin we almost disappear and then re-gain perspective, and its over and over again, and are rewarded by kids who mostly leave without even knowing us.

(aha. do you think its the meds talking? i don’t know either but holy shit.)

sigh. I’m fine, really… but much older lately. Have one kid gone and uncommunicative 9/10 days, and one teenaged boy who is constantly and bitterly disappointed in me, and then a pre-teen lovebug who is going to shock and thrill me every day for a long time.

i’m figuring it out. as always. or maybe not. but i’m here for the ride.

love you.

miss me, miss me, now you gotta kiss me.

boy and girl sitting on bench toy
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Humanity

in a flipping mood

Lovelovemotherexpletive

i’m here to work on my therapy. get ready. these are the things i’m feeling and the ways i’m making up to try and flip them.

  1. life is financially unsustainable. I don’t want a stupid job just to pay my benefits. i will be trapped inside doing something that kills my soul.
    FLIP THAT, motherfuckers.

    FLIP: anything is possible, kate, maybe you will really love working with kids again. (true, i know i will.) Maybe it will lead to a position which will really feed you. (and remember, paying bills is a pretty nice thing too, and working outside sucks for a couple weeks every season, so there is that.)
  2. I’m not going to win the lottery and i have to make a change. and i’m just waiting and waiting for the moment when i literally cannot pay a bill to force me to do it, because I DO NOT WANT TO. THIS MAKES ME HATE MYSELF. I AM AN IRRESPONSIBLE CHILD.

    FLIP: I’m going with my instincts, waiting for something to happen organically that will be more suitable for my situation, soulwise and financial-wise.
  3. TRAPPED. I’M GOING TO BE TRAPPED. I’M GOING TO BE A CONVENTIONALLY EMPLOYED PERSON WHO IS UNHAPPY IN EVERYTHING THEY DO.

    FLIP: maybe paying bills kind of easily will be something that makes you happy. Maybe having people you work with (who are not farmers) will be interesting. I do like people in general, I do. And remember, I was a conventionally married person who was almost dead inside, and I got myself out of there. I won’t let it happen again, right? RIGHT?

I spent the morning looking up school jobs and I just feel overwhelmingly anxious. Maybe its the interviews? the idea that someone might say no? Or maybe its the ears? The idea that I will be challenged exhaustingly every single day of a work week, and I might fail some of the challenges? Maybe its the people? The idea that I’ll be in a community of women and have to re-enter that pool of interaction?

Oh dear god, and you wondered what you were missing?

sigh. so many sighs.

i’m off to the DNRT garden soon. I’m going to get me some dirty.

love you,

me.

Humanity

I’m here.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

its my birthday week. I turn 49 at the end of it. My oldest son will be 18 a week later and will be off to college in the fall, which is less than two months away. I’ve got a handsome devil man in my life. I fell asleep on the highway and woke up when i hit the guardrail. the car, that is. I feel lucky to be alive. And scared, too. There are things to talk about. I have had three jobs for the past few months and the first started at seven am and has just finished until the fall, so now i feel like a rock star because the morning exists again. look at me, i mean, i have the time to type. I don’t know how I’m doing, or how things are going, because i’m just getting through each day. I’ve got a new hearing aide set-up which is making me feel like crawling under the bus. but i’m not, and i’m just continuing on, and i’ve got a garden again, if it is somewhat lagging because i’ve not had the time for it. yesterday i got some more flowers, to begin the birthday week extravaganza. its amazing how different things are from year to year, season to season. last year we were still deep in recovery from the homebound life of the pandemic. there is further healing to go, and some underway still, but here we are, all leaving the house each day. And thats nosmall beans. None of it is. and i slept on clean sheets last night, and have a morning today, and these small things are how i am getting by. and i love you and i’ll talk to you sooner, now. sooner.

-kate