lovelovemotherexpletive

i’m here to work on my therapy. get ready. these are the things i’m feeling and the ways i’m making up to try and flip them.

1. life is financially unsustainable. I don’t want a stupid job just to pay my benefits. i will be trapped inside doing something that kills my soul.
   FLIP THAT, motherfuckers.
   
   FLIP: anything is possible, kate, maybe you will really love working with kids again. (true, i know i will.) Maybe it will lead to a position which will really feed you. (and remember, paying bills is a pretty nice thing too, and working outside sucks for a couple weeks every season, so there is that.)
   
2. I’m not going to win the lottery and i have to make a change. and i’m just waiting and waiting for the moment when i literally cannot pay a bill to force me to do it, because I DO NOT WANT TO. THIS MAKES ME HATE MYSELF. I AM AN IRRESPONSIBLE CHILD.
   
   FLIP: I’m going with my instincts, waiting for something to happen organically that will be more suitable for my situation, soulwise and financial-wise.
   
3. TRAPPED. I’M GOING TO BE TRAPPED. I’M GOING TO BE A CONVENTIONALLY EMPLOYED PERSON WHO IS UNHAPPY IN EVERYTHING THEY DO.
   
   FLIP: maybe paying bills kind of easily will be something that makes you happy. Maybe having people you work with (who are not farmers) will be interesting. I do like people in general, I do. And remember, I was a conventionally married person who was almost dead inside, and I got myself out of there. I won’t let it happen again, right? RIGHT?

I spent the morning looking up school jobs and I just feel overwhelmingly anxious. Maybe its the interviews? the idea that someone might say no? Or maybe its the ears? The idea that I will be challenged exhaustingly every single day of a work week, and I might fail some of the challenges? Maybe its the people? The idea that I’ll be in a community of women and have to re-enter that pool of interaction?

Oh dear god, and you wondered what you were missing?

sigh. so many sighs.

i’m off to the DNRT garden soon. I’m going to get me some dirty.

love you,

me.

its my birthday week. I turn 49 at the end of it. My oldest son will be 18 a week later and will be off to college in the fall, which is less than two months away. I’ve got a handsome devil man in my life. I fell asleep on the highway and woke up when i hit the guardrail. the car, that is. I feel lucky to be alive. And scared, too. There are things to talk about. I have had three jobs for the past few months and the first started at seven am and has just finished until the fall, so now i feel like a rock star because the morning exists again. look at me, i mean, i have the time to type. I don’t know how I’m doing, or how things are going, because i’m just getting through each day. I’ve got a new hearing aide set-up which is making me feel like crawling under the bus. but i’m not, and i’m just continuing on, and i’ve got a garden again, if it is somewhat lagging because i’ve not had the time for it. yesterday i got some more flowers, to begin the birthday week extravaganza. its amazing how different things are from year to year, season to season. last year we were still deep in recovery from the homebound life of the pandemic. there is further healing to go, and some underway still, but here we are, all leaving the house each day. And thats nosmall beans. None of it is. and i slept on clean sheets last night, and have a morning today, and these small things are how i am getting by. and i love you and i’ll talk to you sooner, now. sooner.

-kate