Humanity

Chasing

Turns out a lot of women remember that feeling, that long summer night of possibility, moms or not moms, we women have a lot that we carry.

Lets assign ourselves time to put it down. Can we do that? Can I? (besides cancer sticks, and alcohol, can i transport myself?)

I’m not talking about escape. I don’t want to escape the life I have, I love it. Its hard sometimes, but I love it. I’m talking about adding. Not some deluded self-care regimen that is really for someone else- anti-aging serum? nah, thanks, i’m good. (i have spent money, i’m not going to lie, but there are several bottles lying around that have been used for about a week and then forgotten. looks like i’m just going to age.)

Maybe I need to take a walk at midnight (uhm, with a big stick, around here there are big varmints).

If sitting on the porch this morning hadn’t had a cigarette in it, it would’ve been perfect. The air was so still. I’m deaf basically, but I think the birds were still asleep. Sleeping birds is an amazing thing to be part of.

I do pine for company, I’ll admit it. A man as joyous as I am, I think, who sees the beauty in the details. Someone to dance in the kitchen now and again. And hold hands with.

But baby, I can dance on my own.

Maybe we all need a firepit by the kitchen. We can call on our witchy women ancestors and spin.

unknown person standing indoors
Photo by Inga Seliverstova on Pexels.com
Humanity

Cigarettes

I’m not proud. The bestie was here and we smoked ’em while we had ’em.

And today I’m stopping. Its been about three weeks? at least two full weeks. And i’d love to tell you I was just dabbling, but no. I had to tell my kids and everything, because I was whole hog and I couldn’t stand the idea of sneaking around. That’s not my bag.

Its not okay. And I’m going to be a full-on bitch while I try to kick it again. FULL ON.

There is this though. I found pieces of myself that I thought were gone when she (the bestie) was here. And then another old friend visited, and I found some more. I don’t know where the hell they were, but I certainly hadn’t seen them for a decade or so. And part of that was the person that I am, the woman who puts herself first, before the kids, before the overwhelming responsibility of parenting.

If you don’t have kids, thats allright, take my word for it. It is all-consuming for me. I work at home, I love my kids, I do everything in my power for them, all the time, even if it is just availability. They are the sun and the moon, and I still manage to not be a helicopter mom. I watch them with delight and I have time to listen when they actually decide to speak. Two teenager boys and a girl who might as well be. The times are big here, the issues enormous. Driving, military interests, girls, boys, friends, fear, first rejections, bravery.

The cigarette meant that I was that person before all of that. A person who could just walk out the door and sit without caring for anyone else. Free. In three minute intervals.

It got my dander UP, lets just say. (as if anyone but me would ever type a weirdass thing like that.)

I’m shook up. I need to figure out how to feel like that person again. If I chase that feeling, without giving myself lung cancer, what will it look like?

I had joy. I had a best friend. I had a life, a history, opinions, and laughter. So much laughter. A healthy dose of sexuality. An independence from my children and my obligations and love for them.

Maybe its a midlife crisis. I’d prefer to think of it as an awakening.

I went sailing for chrissakes. The kids were left to fend for themselves for dinner. Can you even believe that? Guess what? They were totally fine. And I was even better than that.

So that is where I am at. FULL ON BITCH. and trying to chase a drift of smoke.

here.

love love.

me.

Humanity

Things i love about me.

YES! I AM GOING TO DO IT PUBLICLY.

ugh, i shudder at myself, but find it necessary on these days, when i’m actually struggling. and i’m not allowed to add any of the caveats which expose the flipsides. not today anyways.

  1. i have a smile that makes people smile. I love that. Contagious joy.
  2. i notice and am swept away by little things, little specks of beauty.
  3. i’m an optimist more often than not.
  4. my hair changes color when i go outside.
  5. i am funny and see humor in almost everything, and can draw on it even in struggle.
  6. i have a good brain, albeit devoid of memory.
  7. i can write something from nothing, and that is partly magic.

thats it, thats all i can do. but its an activity that is true. and these things are true, and i need to remember them more often, when i am stressed about getting kids back and forth to things while working and when the soccer schedule just wipes me right down to the ground.

breathe.

love love.

-kate

Humanity

Drastic Times, and shoes on the wrong feet.

Okay. I did it. I cancelled my two dating apps and I am absolutely jonesing for the ping of the phone. JONESING.

the ways in which the random ping can make you think of possibility and romance and dreamy? Oh. yes, sex and titillation, it is all in there. and perhaps i’ve been needing the dopamine hit of a like, a shot of ‘what if?’ once and again.

i’ve been telling myself i can go back to it whenever i want, no pressure. but i’ve already noticed i’ve been less attached to the phone.

honestly, i need some quiet time. the kids were here with me in a way that felt like every day all day and we managed and now they go to school this coming tuesday and my brain is feeling cluttered. very cluttered, as if i haven’t done a sweep in a week, and the dust bunnies and hairdevils are taking over, the world blurry with softness that still manages to be disgusting.

blech.

i’m out of mac and cheese, if you can believe that. i haven’t done a big shop in a million hours. MAC AND CHEESE? HOLY GOD.

i feel like shaving my head. (only kind-of kidding.)

I feel like a wild stallion locked up.

and also, in a rush, i feel like i’ve got to do something fast, or i’ll just repeat all the things i’ve repeated before. you know?

dissatisfaction. the hindrance of the cockeyed feet.

in my head i’m calling people cocksuckers a lot. i’ve also had the kids today for ten days straight with no break and so i think i need a literal quiet moment and also a much larger reorganization of my entire life.

fantastic.

no problem.

win.

gar.

love love,

me.

brown and white stallions running in a field
Pent up no more. . . Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Humanity

Duuuudes, it has been a while.

I’m recovering.

I’m repairing.

I’m figuring shit out. again.

Having my beloved best friend here was awesome, truly. We slid into perfection like a satisfying poop. And yes, if you know, you know. It had been eight years. Deaths, divorce, a million days had passed and we laughed, and cried, and then laughed more. I felt full.

But now i’m morose, and trying hard to figure out how i found satisfaction before. What did I do for fun? How was I spending my time if not laughing all the time? Is this my beautiful life?

So. I am leaving the kids today to go sailing. Some other parents will bring a kid to baseball and the older one will fend for himself if i’m not back in time for dinner.

Because it is time I had more fun. And while I love the kids and I often have a wonderful time with them, it has been a long time since I had fun, just for myself, Kate.

Fun. Laughs. Brilliance of Experience. Kate.

Lets do it. Making the time and the space starts now, when the weather is hitting peak perfection in new england.

for me.

love you, i do.

-kate