Humanity

JOY LIST. (February, of course.)

I’m positive there is a part three coming, but this is an interlude, to reassure my lovely friends, neighbors and sister, that I’m fine, just overly thoughtful and occasionally morose. 🙂 I’m fine. (and i adore you, so thank you for reminding me of that adoration.)

Here is my joy. Mostly from yesterday, because today is still new.

  1. The ways that the sun will make a 20 degree day somehow feel sparkly, clean and not deathly.
  2. The way your lungs feel when you walk out in it, quickly, so much cleansing going on. The lungs are happy.
  3. Choosing to wrap a blanket around my shoulders rather than turn up the heat. Makes me feel old and wise, and that’s a fine feeling today.
  4. Pouring out the sweet alcohol drink that I had last night that gave me a headache this morning. My mornings are more valuable than that. The sugar rush is not worth it.
  5. When bundled up, I feel like a mystic, a fortune teller, a rotund mystic of laughter and possibility. (i think this is part of why i’m so much more myself in winter)
  6. All the amaryllis are putting up greens except one, poor thing. I’ve decided to stop watering him. But all that green!! I’m so hopeful.
  7. the kids are gone now through Monday. I’m not at all sure that I won’t cry during the empty spots. But I’m good with crying, I am. And it is good for me, a challenge that I will survive. (look, it made a joy list after all, the kids are deliriously happy right now, and i wouldn’t ever take that away)
  8. The kitchen table is cleared off, and man, it seems so simple, but that’s a real joy to me. Ok, there ARE things on the table, but a jug of fading flowers and a circle of candles, wait. and a seed catalog and the watering can. but man, for me, that is cleared off. (does this worry any of you type A’s?) laughing.
  9. More snow came last night, just enough to coat things again. And I’m going to meet a friend for burgers and fries tonight. I’ve been trying to eat healthy and I’m just hungry all the time and so a burger and fries might provide the inspiration I need. I think I may be going about this in a backwards fashion. but FRENCH FRIES!! THEY ARE A THING OF GREAT GREAT JOY!!
  10. Last night I ate some chocolate that I bought for my kid’s late valentine celebration. I felt really guilty for many reasons, but then realized that I can buy candy for them ON SALE! CANDY ON SALE!! A GREAT GREAT JOY!! (also, possibly problematic- but this is a joy list, thats it. nothing more. look away.)

kitchen tables and candy, thats what its all about.

love love,

me.

fried potatoes
French fries in a bowl . . . Photo by Dzenina Lukac on Pexels.com

Humanity

Joy bubbles, January

Its time for a joy list… joys and some dips, because that’s how it is.

  1. When I put down the dish soap and a little bubble escapes to float around the sink. I love that.
  2. Sparkling eyes. I love that. (In these days of masks? Sometimes its all I get. But you really can see the sparkle, even if that’s all you see.)
  3. I love the possibilities that I am coming up with when I think about overhauling this house. Two bureaus on the curb. At least. Purge. Purge. Purge. (and I am daunted, amongst the joys, too. There is so much overwhelm here. And in life. So much.)
  4. I’m writing a story called fight crab. I kind of adore the ridiculousness. (I started well but finishing? Ah. The rub, the dip.)
  5. As much as I love color, I am sitting in greys, grey pajama pants with stars, grey sweater and I feel like a Swedish hug. Like, come see me in my Nordic tiny house glowing under the aurora, I am here. I will make you a fire and a magical drink.
  6. Geraniums, by god. The smell of them clarifies the whole damn thing. Last summer I bought five babies after the season was done, a dollar each! And I have so much. Take a walk in my nook. (3 steps.)
  7. Non-sequiturs. I love the way my mind can jump ship and swim for a minute and still catch the boat before its gone, or not. It might be hard to follow, but not for me.
  8. The piles of books around me are maddening, but I’m filled up by looking at them. The chaos brings the possibility that one of them will be a great love. Or take me off to dreamscape #4258. And I haven’t been there yet.
  9. My kids when they sneeze. It makes me see their youth and remember their sneezes as babies. Is there anything cuter than a sneezing baby? (I am such a mom. And so proud of it. And its not going anywhere. And oh my god, babies.)
  10. I appreciate already, how much laughter I bring into the world. My kids are better for it, and I am better for it, and I’ve gifted it to them, and they to me.

*by the way, on my night of restorative sleep, the dog decided to wake me THREE times. THRICE. motherfucker. So, i was up early. I make a joy list in retaliation. Is that questionable? I do not know. but it is Saturday, and as you know, we have no plans. so i will nap. i will.

brown cottage under aurora borealis
EXACTLY. Photo by Stefan Stefancik on Pexels.com

Humanity

There is nothing wrong, January.

“The pleasure of abiding. The pleasure of insistence, of persistence. The pleasure of obligation, the pleasure of dependency. The pleasures of ordinary devotion.
The pleasure of recognizing that one may have to undergo the same realizations, write the same notes in the margin, return to the same themes in one’s work, relearn the same emotional truths, write the same book over and over again – not because one is stupid or obstinate or incapable of change, but because such revisitations constitute a life.” –
Maggie Nelson

This quote. This thing settled down on me like a net, slicing through me in geometries.

Its not, repeat and repeat until you finally learn the lesson, its not ‘cycle after cycle of the same lesson’ because you just cannot get it, you are so thick you fell for another addict…it is the revisitation that constitutes a life.

i’m not stupid, i’m just living.

JESUS. Pleasure, not trial.

PLEASURE.

I mix my hedonism with practicality, i do. but i wish more people could lighten up. get earthy with themselves.

there is so much in there, and i don’t even know how to begin to dig it up, to unearth it for you.

PLEASURE.

go find some.

i’m going to organize another raised bed for myself this spring. I might go wild and plant all flowers again. my kids don’t flipping eat vegetables, so what is the point of spinach? Maybe a pepper or two? I’ll have lavender to sell this year, barring pestilence.

Sigh.

Pleasure. run your hands through a bowl of rice if you have to. climb under the weighted blanket, or lover, or dog. whatever you got.

that quote. man, i am sliced.

slices of red orange on white background
Photo by Any Lane on Pexels.com

there’s nothing wrong with you. you’re just living.

sigh.

-me

Humanity

January: It begins with

It begins with , from Cynthia lee prompt parade.

  1. It begins with time, and thought and a space for them all.
  2. It begins with coffee, and the luck to have some left over from yesterday afternoon, so- fastest ever arrival of joy.
  3. It begins with I, because I can’t still be arguing with myself about my own self-worth. Put me on the damn list, already. (I literally resisted this one. what the fuck is that about ? I am 46 fucking years old and i still resist putting myself on a list?! Jesus.)
  4. It begins with putting candles around the bathtub, now clean because, you know, it also begins with bathroom cleaning.
  5. It begins with paying the mortgage.
  6. It begins with re-assessing my relationship with retail therapy. I’m cut off, folks. I’m getting sloppy and trigger-finger with the amazon. It is not need-based and must cease. It is going to cause me problems paying the tripling heat bills. Cease.
  7. It begins with rejoining a dating site. (and possibly ends there too. I’m of two minds. Its so deeply unsatisfying, and I have great trouble not putting too much import on it.)
  8. It begins with locating the tarot cards, a focus is needed. There are so many things I need to find, this year, in this house, out there. Lost and Found, Hide and Seek, on a global scale.
  9. It begins with reading the story I’ve been wanting to read but couldn’t find the time, or that focus.
  10. It begins with clear eyes, feathers brushed along their closed forms to take the year’s cobwebs and tears away.
  11. It begins with acknowledging what has died this year. And that somber note rings and rings and shakes the ground.

There is so much friends, and then so much more.

How does it begin, for you?

love love,

me

Beach stones in the light of a sunset. Large driftwood tree trunk. It begins with this...

Humanity

December Wishes

What do you wish on?

not for, but ON…

  1. dahlias, when the dahlias are in bloom, i’m enraptured and can’t keep from being romantic and wistful and dreamy.
  2. when the clock says 11:11 , i pause and make me a wish, or feel the magic, or remember an old friend.
  3. the giantess of a full moon. she may be the quiet sister of the Sun, but our gaze is direct, we look at each other plainly. and i wish.
  4. the hair of my children, i’m so astonished by it, the peace i find in smelling them (most of the time, because honestly, sometimes they are RIPE)… the wishes i can’t help but make for them…
  5. everytime i’m in a candy section, i wish i had more self-control. Does this belong on this list? I don’t know either, but its in, on a technicality, i guess. (i’m always in a goddamned candy section, i swear to god, i don’t know how it keeps happening!)
  6. early morning dew on the grass, the path i can make through it, and see behind me as i walk to the chicken coop. so dreamy. makes me think of my effect on the world, the space i take up, the impact i really have.
  7. fires in the woodstove, firepits outside, all the intentional and not-terrifying fires. theres a level of humility in me when i watch, this most ancient of entertainments.

I’m not going to strain to make eleven today. I’m going to make wishes instead. I think the world needs more of them floating around. Maybe you’ll bump into one of mine today. Its going to be a good day.

love love,

me

+ala Cynthia Lee- her list today is amazing.

More wishfilled things. If wishes were toy burritos. . .