My youngest is 11.

I’m tired of writing facts. This is going on. That is going on. I want to write dapple and splinters of silverfish at my feet when the waters come in.

bubbles of joy and overwhelm that fizzle and steam and lift, depending on the day.

the rush of the heart against the ribcage when the tears rise, a wild irrational thrust towards escape

cold fingers typing, calloused hands barely registering on touch screens these days. i may as well have lifeless clay in digit form. but then again, i do not. there is life in this clay, and i’m in reformation mode again.

(at times anyways, because sometimes i am also too much with my couch)

the heartbreak of november is heavy with me. the light itself brings me to tears. the cry of the newly red leaf, the flutter of the gold, as they fall, food for my next year’s garden.

i feel that veil is thin, yes, and it is the grey boundaries between past and future in which i feel myself becoming a flock of birds. the neither here nor there, an inability to be present for it.

clay, sodden ground, mud and how much value do i put on a clean shoe anyhow?

there is so much going on, and nothing. and i love you, and i’ll see you soon.



what i learned in vegas.

Spent five days in Vegas, no kids and a lovely bf.

  1. what happens in vegas stays in vegas.
    yep, because there should be a wall put around the area and all the money and greed and waste and environmental ignorance should be encapsulated, so that the rest of the world can go on and on without any of that. Lets move trump’s mexico wall to nevada?
  2. the world of human creativity is alive and well, my faith in human goodness and magic is restored. the engineering feats? the lighting technicians who found their niche? the armies of cleaning people in the mornings? the ways in which an entire civilization has been built where no people can survive? Astonishing. I was constantly astonished. Look up, look down, its everywhere.
  3. Addendum to 2: I saw two Cirque de Soleil shows, Love and Ka. And I cried because my heart was so full of the majesty of humanity.
  4. the scenery of the cowboy movies is real, and that blew out the walls of my small world, and i’m better for it. buttes, bluffs, red rocks at sunset, all just outside the city limits, visible from my hotel room in the Fremont area.
  5. i love moscow mules. probably way too much. way.
  6. drag show humor is one of those things that restores my faith in humanity. i laughed so much, and loved those beautiful performers and their catty ways. It should be required for everyone to watch one, every year, like a thanksgiving dinner, good for the soul.

AND. I haven’t even told you about my sister’s wedding yet, at which there was a QUEEN, but not in drag. That body was 100% booming, and 100% hers. I’ll fill you in next time. I haven’t even had a chance to talk to my sister about it yet. But holy love fest, guys. HOLY LOVEFEST.

Chihuly ceiling at the Bellagio. A flipping ceiling.

wedding week

My sister is getting married this coming weekend. I’m so excited I can’t focus. (or is it the covid?) I can’t stop wandering around the house doing tiny inconsequential tasks that are filling up my time. I’ve got a heavy load in trying to make a tiny speech for the wedding and I’m filled up with memories of my dad and all the joy that there is in this situation. just filled up. and its spilling over and out and all around. who knows what will happen.

last time i talked to her about wedding stuff i was stunned to realize i was walking down the aisle. now there is something i have only ever done once, and in quite a different capacity. I’ve never been in a wedding before! I mean, bride doesn’t count at all in this instance and I’m feeling all dancey inside. Walking down before my sister?! what a crazy bit of wonder! THE BRIDE?! Holy smokes.

I really am this excited folks and no matter what i do or say, nothing is going to get in the way of this awesome new couple entering the world hand in hand.

So, wish me well, but even if i give a toast in Klingon or fall on my ass, there is nothing more gorgeous than ANNE AND STAN.

Raise your glass!!


bokeh effect
Photo by Pixabay on

oVER A month?!

Its been over a month since my last post. I’d apologize but its been out of my control because my brain has been entirely on strike.

My friends, do you know what a demogorgon is? Its a thing from greek mythology really but has been popularized on the Stranger Things series. It’s a monster. A monster.

It is what my brain has been like this month. Just flayed, spread out and incapable. (looks like a flower, but carries a whole lot of teeth) while my body does all the things necessary: kids are mostly fed, laundry is done and even folded, sports are attended, jobs are attended, my brain has been uninvolved.

dandelion flower head on a pink background
Photo by Karolina Grabowska on

its spring, the things are growing, the work is much more, the chickens are big now, the graduation is looming, there is a man in town who is dear and domestic and sexy, and all the things that are exploding my brain and that i talk a lot to my therapist about, are having me walk around in a bit of a daze.

i’ve been sashaying my way around the place, not knowing which way i’m going, not knowing anything but what is on the sport schedule for the day and if i need to provide food. thats it, thats the sum total of my brain’s abilities. still with the sashay.

some might call it a drunken stagger. but whatever.

I’m laughing. mostly. sigh.

still sashaying.

swing it, girls.



I love us.

Its spring and I’ve started to want to rake things. I just volunteered to clean the duck pen out on a day that I don’t usually work because the weather has changed and I am in love with everything. Try and stop me.

(my farmer will pay me, don’t worry.)

I love the smell of too cold dirt, getting muddy at its edges, as it, too, feels itself.

I love the people doing the jobs, the cashiers, the bus drivers, the people who’s real lives are outside of the work they do, but they’re showing up. showing up and showing up. keeping the world on its feet.

I love the people who say what they do as their identity. How incredible. God bless ’em, showing up and showing up. artists, farmers, healers, plumbers, keeping the world in water and wisdom, maybe even beauty if we get lucky. we so often do.

I love that so many humans have pets. come on and love a strange little beastie, come on. I love Bella the cat and Eddie the dog and the ten little wee dinosaur birds that are chirping in the next room. I also love the nearly 1500 big dinosaur birds that I get to feed each week. Them’s a lotta bird.

I love all the kids, all of them, with all of the learning they still have to do, and all they have to teach us as they do. (especial love today to trans kids and the kids without a box. holding them to the deepest depth of my ability. how incredibly brave they are to make something new.)

I love watching kids grow. I love watching spring hit this part of the earth. Yellow has begun to arrive and I am captured.

I love the candy, oh man, I do. too much. I could fill notebooks on the days when candy has gotten me through. My teeth are sad, sometimes, and probably my internal organs, but my god, I love it, and the relationship we have.

I love good parents and the ones who love their kids. I love all of us. the hard work we do for them. the way we love them long after they leave the house we first met them in. forever and a day.

I love the weirdos. I do. The truth is, everyone is a little bit weird. so, guess what?


(This message brought to you by the sun, and the dirt and the outside.)