Humanity

okay okay

here we are: the otherside.

I’ve completed the hardest of my projects for this week, and i’m basking. Just momentarily, but still. And, a birthday is completed, and I can’t tell you how glad I am. And the cactus in the houseplant section of my kitchen are blooming. and there is joy in mudville. and tomorrow I get to go feed the chickens again. and that is invigorating. so much so.

so, its not necessarily the otherside, but its well down the path towards it. I can see those greener pastures of january first, i can.

there will be bumps, this is guaranteed.

I’m a bump-ridden kind of girl. But also, I’m a bump rider. I throw my hands up when the car goes over the tracks and I love the thump of my base when I hit the speedbumps. SO.

I wrote this morning about what is in my fridge and how I’m sadly familiar with the liquifaction of zucchini. and thats a bump, but i’m waving my arm around like I just don’t care. Can you see me? More liquid magic for the compost heap, baby.

And, determination. So much determination that maybe next year, I’ll even plant zucchini, just to prove it to myself that there is a way, somehow, someway, to get my kids to eat it. There is. I will lazerpoint my steely eyes on those children and watch them with glee when it happens to them.

The zuke.

(whats funny is that most of my writing this morning had to do with myself being a ‘pantser’ style (by the seat of your pants) writer, a writer without a plan who gets an idea and just runs. This post is a perfect example of the problem with pantsing. No doubt you did not expect the first sentence to lead you through this journey. Neither did I. I’m just along for the ride, like you.)

And herein lies the problem with this every day thing… no, no, i’m not going to say it, or type it, or even think it anymore.

i’m just going on faith here that if you read it, you’ll find something in it that you like. go digging. find something.

maybe my kids won’t need me to play hide the zucchini.

and because I think that sentence is so funny and leads to so much joy and hysteria, i’m going to stop right there.

love you guys. dig for it.

-kate

pexels-photo-128420.jpeg
Photo by Angele J on Pexels.com
Humanity

Morning! 6

day six of thirty days. writing myself silly for my own jollies.

Its dark out. pitch. Its slightly before seven am on a Saturday. My weekday alarm went off by accident, one of the two kids in my bed reached over my head to shut it off. Yes, two out of three.

The clocks change this weekend which always fucks me up. And I realized I’ll be doing chicken chores in the dark this week, which bites it. (I guess, I mean I’ve never fed 1200 chickens in the dark. I’m guessing its going to be fairly messy. I should invest in a head lamp maybe. Am I going to have to deal with coyotes? fug.)

I’ve been feeding the chickens at my friend’s farm twice a week. I deeply love it, once I’m there. I do. Its a challenge physically, and mentally, and I need that kind of challenge. It gets me out of the house, away from the projects and the ‘must do’ list, and outside, with 1200 little things that love me for my feeding potential.

I can see this as a way forward, once the kids are out of the house. How deeply I need something to let me love them, and care for them. How deeply I need something to run towards me with confidence and love.

Man, you got to see chickens run. It is such a delight. Little dinosaurs.

And that, my friends, is what I’m thinking about this morning, at 6:56 am, with a temperature outside of 28 F. For my brits, and irish and italians, that is slightly below freezing. I’m not doing chickens this morning, thank god. Love of warmth wins out today.

Love you, bear with me during these less pithy posts.

  • kate
Humanity

Amazement, and what is pleasure anyways?

  1. I’m amazed by a lot of things, truly. like, comically almost. There are days I’m just stunned by the incredible luck I’ve had in my life.

My kids are freaking ridiculously cool.

Its been one of the real pleasures I’ve had this past year, spending all the time with them that I have.

(This is not to sugarcoat the exhaustion of having big kids home full time for ever and ever, hollah pandemica.)

2. I’m amazed that I can write and write and write, and highlight and its just all gone. and I just did that now, on purpose. It was just blather.

3. I’m amazed by how quickly my yard, and yours, has gone from simply sticklike, to lush, verdant- overwhelming in its pulse, and thrust.

4. I’m amazed by how much it means to me to have little conversations with friends.

5. I’m amazed that I live in a beach town and I rarely get myself to the water. This week was different.

6. I’m amazed that it took one smart person to make me realize the deep difference between respite and pleasure. And how I’ve been forgetting to get real pleasure, while my tools to relieve exhaustion, give myself respite care, have been wearing thin. Its the difference between maintenance. a bath to clean my body and give myself a hot 15 minutes alone? This is pleasurable, yes, and I dig it. I’ve got candles, and bath salts but its just maintenance, it is. And the reason they are wearing thin, is that I’ve got a significant deficit in pleasure. And, besides men, I don’t really know what my pleasures are, so it is a grave imbalance, my lovelies. so grave. (i’m laughing, kind of.)

But its not the same as joy. Its not the same as something which fills me with elation, makes me remember the light I have glowing inside of me. Are joy and pleasure the same? Related?

its been a year. we all know it. longer than a year, if truth be told.

The weather has turned, the yard is wild, and I’m pretty damn ready for some pleasure.

bring it, dogs.

lovelove,

me.

Humanity

JOY LIST. (February, of course.)

I’m positive there is a part three coming, but this is an interlude, to reassure my lovely friends, neighbors and sister, that I’m fine, just overly thoughtful and occasionally morose. 🙂 I’m fine. (and i adore you, so thank you for reminding me of that adoration.)

Here is my joy. Mostly from yesterday, because today is still new.

  1. The ways that the sun will make a 20 degree day somehow feel sparkly, clean and not deathly.
  2. The way your lungs feel when you walk out in it, quickly, so much cleansing going on. The lungs are happy.
  3. Choosing to wrap a blanket around my shoulders rather than turn up the heat. Makes me feel old and wise, and that’s a fine feeling today.
  4. Pouring out the sweet alcohol drink that I had last night that gave me a headache this morning. My mornings are more valuable than that. The sugar rush is not worth it.
  5. When bundled up, I feel like a mystic, a fortune teller, a rotund mystic of laughter and possibility. (i think this is part of why i’m so much more myself in winter)
  6. All the amaryllis are putting up greens except one, poor thing. I’ve decided to stop watering him. But all that green!! I’m so hopeful.
  7. the kids are gone now through Monday. I’m not at all sure that I won’t cry during the empty spots. But I’m good with crying, I am. And it is good for me, a challenge that I will survive. (look, it made a joy list after all, the kids are deliriously happy right now, and i wouldn’t ever take that away)
  8. The kitchen table is cleared off, and man, it seems so simple, but that’s a real joy to me. Ok, there ARE things on the table, but a jug of fading flowers and a circle of candles, wait. and a seed catalog and the watering can. but man, for me, that is cleared off. (does this worry any of you type A’s?) laughing.
  9. More snow came last night, just enough to coat things again. And I’m going to meet a friend for burgers and fries tonight. I’ve been trying to eat healthy and I’m just hungry all the time and so a burger and fries might provide the inspiration I need. I think I may be going about this in a backwards fashion. but FRENCH FRIES!! THEY ARE A THING OF GREAT GREAT JOY!!
  10. Last night I ate some chocolate that I bought for my kid’s late valentine celebration. I felt really guilty for many reasons, but then realized that I can buy candy for them ON SALE! CANDY ON SALE!! A GREAT GREAT JOY!! (also, possibly problematic- but this is a joy list, thats it. nothing more. look away.)

kitchen tables and candy, thats what its all about.

love love,

me.

fried potatoes
French fries in a bowl . . . Photo by Dzenina Lukac on Pexels.com