Tag: family

Humanity

Times are long. Nuts.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

This weekend my cousins and aunts and uncles gather here. It was a yearly tradition to gather somewhere and the past few were here, before covid. Its been a long time now, three years maybe, since we gathered.

i’m excited. really pleased and happy. i like my whole family, even those who are so different from me. and they are, really, different.

my kids will be home, and that always makes me feel more myself, which I deeply like. (hear that? I deeply like myself.)

the other side of the coin: dishwasher broke. its brand new. literally within the past month. (yes, i know i should call someone) septic broke. true feelings about my house came out, when my mom recommended a team of four to come clean it. i have ignored this, and cleaned, but it makes me worry about judgement, because my family is really good at ‘the look’. car broke, has no heat and every time it starts i am happy, but also very stressed. (Septic cleared for the moment; all is well for thirty plus guests) I’m finding this side of the coin exhausting. truly exhausting. like, i’d like to sleep through it.

(this is not a sign of liking myself, by the way. not at all.)

and there’s all the people missing, of course. and i made my mother-in-law’s cranberry relish and i’ll put it out on the table and my heart will cry a little. and the photo of my dad has been cleaned off to look presentable. (because thats the kind of cleaning i care about. there’s probably a whole lot of doghair in the wrong place somewhere.) I’m good with details and not the big picture, i guess. But i’m just going to trust that people love me and can live without insulting me or my house for a day. We’ll see. I’ll be okay.

i’m really looking forward to seeing my people. we are a family that gives fantastic hugs, and i’m going to revel in it. a couple of my cousins remind me so much of my dad that its almost painful, and i’m going to revel in that too. while crying a little more on the inside.

and then it will be done, and I’ll still be okay.

There is more love to be found out there, I just have to look for it. Its all mixed up with a whole bunch of things right now. A nut bowl. Who’s going to try the Brazil Nut? Really.

Deep sigh. Going to make a lasagna now, and clean something small, or big, depending on how I’m feeling.

or maybe i’ll read my book. its a mexican soap opera of a thing. definitely escaping. so be it.

lovelove you. hope your heart is full of love, one way or another, no matter what nuts you might have eaten along the way.

-kate

close up of a mix of nuts
Photo by Mark Stebnicki on Pexels.com
Humanity

Not five, but blathering on…

Lovelovemotherexpletive

LIKES AND LOVES.

Its early morning here, now. My kids are all here, settled, sleeping still, after a whirlwind of a day yesterday. My former father-in-law is also here. He’ll be 90 in January. He’s a character, and unpredictable, and almost 90. 90. (eyes wide and oh my god all over the place) full houses do make me happy, and tired too.

The boys had another championship/states soccer game, which they won. The almost10 year old was picked up with a friend from school early by yours truly and we watched. Well, the girls helped in the snack shack and I watched the game. At this point, knowing what it means to the boys, I can hardly stand the nervous excitement. I’m a real sports watcher right now, full of angst and under-the-breath commentary. (no book, no phone)

The next game conflicts with lovey’s 10th birthday party, which I am hosting, so i’m not going to see it. It is also two and a half hours away, and at seven pm. (lets do that math, shall we? the game will most likely finish at 8:30 pm, with a two-and-a-half-hour drive home afterwards. ehem. solidly in favor of considering children and families in the planning of sports events. solidly. seems I am something of a rarity.)

After the game today, there was a Homecoming Dance. My boys are flipping ridiculously handsome and good nature too, mostly. But RIDICULOUS. so they were dressed and dazzling and I woke up in a panic at four because I didn’t know where they were.

home, in bed. The days are numbered when my panics will be resolved so easily. My eldest won’t be in bed here next year and I’m definitely in a low-grade constant panic about that these days. mix it up with the season, the grief and its a doozy.

So. What do you do when you’re in a tizzy? You add another job. (if you are me, that is. busy minds, busy hands, calm tizzies, something like that) Or perhaps you take a class. I’ve got three separate groups that I write with currently. And one class which I like but will be glad when it ends, because it conflicts with freaking everything.

and i’d really like to learn more about end-of-life caregiving. I know, this is a big thing, sort of a rarity perhaps in blog subject matter. at least here. but, really. If I balance it with the farming, and the flowers, perhaps I’d be good at that, be a flaming ball of goodness in the world.

And i’d still really like to get a greenhouse going.

And i’d really like to win powerball.

i’d like to finish the stupid story.

i’d like to take a pottery class.

i’d love to paint again.

i’d love to figure out how to keep rosemary alive indoors.

i’d like to figure out what i can make with five pieces of saffron that I grew myself.

i’d love to tell you all about how i wrote about a character this week who had bones like coral. isn’t that a beautiful but thought-provoking image? a real focaccia of skeleton.

like and love baby. thats what its all about.

thank you for reading and say hey sometime too, because i like and love that too.

-lovelove,

me.

black and white bones hand x ray
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Humanity

FLudge: transition kicks my ass.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’m not good at transition, I never ever have been. And here we are, in transition. again.

I went from working every second of every day and feeling like an asshole absent parent to having all the kids in school and three days off a week, in which i am supposed to fit all the writing and editing in forevermore.

i’m okay, but not okay. i’m not happy with that blank space in my income, in my adventure, anymore, as much as last year was still all tentative about schools and kids and quarantines, this year does not feel that way. So I’m a bit at a loss, and a bit afraid.

I can pivot and turn and react on a dime, yes.

but when it is an ACTUAL dime? more challenging.

i’m tidying. i’m writing every day so far. i’m reading more. these are the things that are necessary for me when I transition back to work at home, they ground me and get me all ready to go sit in front of the screen. I find that the more I read, the more there is in my brain that opens portals to all that I have ever read, and felt, and I can find it again. the words spill, the gardens are remembered and I can see the jar of buttons for the wild source of story that it is.

It will be a short transition, this, into working too much again, or being torn between what is ‘work’ and what I can be distracted from, and complaints of a sort about chauffeuring kids. They aren’t real complaints anymore, as I see the end of this chapter of my life in the air before me. Just noticings. A habit of complaint, maybe, but no honest one. I see it in its last days now, and already know I will long for such simple time spent with my kids.

Its time for me to rocket off in search of another thing to tidy. I’m not ready to face the applications for jobs yet, its my least favorite part, though I can submit in a flurry fury once I am ready.

love you guys, see you soon.

-me.

  • I’ve had two offers of an ax, by the way, so it looks like i’ll have to save my fancy outfit and candles for some other event. Maybe I’ll chop the wood in it? Or maybe hold the candles up while my boys split? I’ll decide as I go.

Pink candle to bring the light.
Humanity

An ass-kicking

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Family style, work.

My mom had been telling me that my uncle wanted to teach my boys how to paint, for a couple of months if not since the last time I saw him, pre-covid. This is my dad’s brother, the skinniest man alive.

So, I knew, when he came to visit my mom, that he would probably spend a morning here. He is 78 years old and a powerhouse of work ethic. He lives in Florida now so mostly its a twice a year proposition.

He called me last weekend to make sure I knew what supplies to get, which made me realize the error of my ways.

My kid owed me money for utlizing paypal without asking (big fucking no on that.) So my uncle had a chance to teach him how to scrape down stair risers, let them dry and then prep them for painting, and then paint them.

Which he did.

Oh, and then they hauled. And they powerwashed.

My uncle also uncovered the patio pavers, which were covered almost entirely by grass and the dirt and friends that grass brings.

He and my mom restored part of my garden to beauty, pruning a rose bush back into a non-dangerous specimen and giving me a chance to see my daylilies again. By doing so, they uncovered the peeling of the paint on the breakfast nook that my uncle had seen at his last visit. it had bothered him. this would be at Thanksgiving, of pre-covid, so… November 2019. I’m going to type it out, yes, the peeling paint on my window sills bothered my uncle twenty one months ago.

So, the whole point of this post is here. Make a list. Cross things off. Its the best thing in the whole world. (for your nieces.) A long list, a 21 month list.

Honestly, my mom and uncle kicked my ass. They worked like beasts and my kids and I ran around following orders and pulling away tarps full of yard debris. A deck was powerwashed by me, in the fervor of ‘oh my god, work!’ … I made lunch once, drove to pick up lunch once, went to work once… It was two long half days and I’m really truly giddy with some of the things they did.

Its kind of amazing to realize how much things weigh on you, that aren’t even making your lists. It can feel pretty insurmountable here, this house, this yard. It really can.

That said, I’m going to go paint another stair riser, because I wrote a bunch this morning, and I really want to paint more.

A list!

but first, some more painting.

Humanity

Swoops

Lovelovemotherexpletive

My moods are so erratic lately. I’m fine, I am, and when my moods shift, I’m able to watch them while experiencing them. its a little surreal, actually.

I dropped my kid off to camp and haven’t heard from him in five days. This is as it should be, but my god. Its phantom pain, I know, the missing limb calling to me from his barefooted happy place.

my sixteen year old applied for his permit to drive. it was blocked because my license was expired and the birth certificate was not original. So, as far as he is concerned, it was all me. Believe me, I feel the guilt.

I did a great job in a weekend of driving, seeing places that were stunning in their beauty and their role in my past, and driving to greataunts and uncles and cousins and then some more driving. I only made one kid nauseous, once.

I did yoga this morning and for the first time ever, was probably the youngest there. there was a great deal of focus on ‘i am.’ and i’m into that, and lost about it sometimes. it still kicked my ass and is making me a little grumpy.

And my mood on this rainy day makes me want to go into a dark cool cave and sit with my nose to the stone, shutting it all down somehow. I’m feeling overstimulated.

I had my tarot read for me when I got back from my trip, and her first question was, ‘are you very tired?’ and i laughed and laughed until it went crazy sideways. a doozy. I really liked her ways, I know her in person happily but i do, i do, i recommend her highly to anyone who feels like a virtual reading, you can do google meet so you can see her face, or you can do it over the phone. your call, lovelies. You can find her at http://joannakessling.com and on instagram at @paper.birchtarot Have at it. What I find, is that what comes up in cards and in questions, is what i’m already thinking of. Its not magic, (unless you want it to be) … its just reminders, and reminders are necessary. Like, bat-to-the-head necessary.

like, kate, take care of yourself. just baby steps. and remember you’re a goddamn joy bubble. anyone who doesn’t like it can take a flying leap. (um, joanna didn’t say that. but i did.)

heh.

love you. i figure this once a week thing might stay through til the kids go back to school. just the way it is.

love you, love you.

kate

nature people woman sun
Tarot decks are all different. This one is animals, the one Joanna used had people… Its all just reminders, dudes. Take it how you want to… Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com