i do what i can to take care of myself lately. i’m only talking to people i like and i am not looking at a dating site. (now that i’ve typed it, i’ll probably look tonight, goddamnit)

i’m trying to go to yoga twice a week, i’m taking my vitamins.

i’m making sure to water the plants and i’m even using fertilizer this year, which i’ve never been willing to do because i’m all ‘nature should be untouched’ and all that shit.

we’re still not going to the beach very much. two redheads you know. they don’t really want to, and i would have to start drinking if i spent a full day in the sun now. and that sounds gross to me.

i send a letter occasionally.

i’ve figured out a way to get air conditioning on the entire bedroom set. it involves several pushpins and a sheet hanging from the ceiling. we will see. the truth is, i think i sleep better without it. it seems to be giving me headaches. what a bitch.

i’m taking my kid to camp for three weeks this weekend. i will be more fragile than i think. or, as fragile as i think. there will be a lot of driving and my older teenager has completely opted out to stay with friends for two nights, and someone is coming to watch the dogs and release the chickens!! (you have to yell that, right there, as in RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!)

there are a few moving parts. i’m taking my youngest to visit with two of her great aunts and their husbands, greatuncles too, and we’re going to a fabulous garden on the coast. maine has a whole damn lot of connection and visitation spots, as its where both my parents were born and raised. I wonder if i should visit some grave sites… it might freak my daughter out, and i don’t think the dead will notice. hm.

i had a job this week and it felt pretty damn good to have my wednesday all filled up. I purposefully cleared these past three weeks to spend time with kids before camp. and then it was cloudy and humid and rainy in a million ways. and too much screentime for us all. so it was less than ideal and i’m thrilled that my kid goes to camp for three weeks screen free.

i’ll have more work next week and I’m hoping structure will help me give us more activity. we’ll see.

first i’ve got to leave a kid in a place that makes him supremely happy and makes me feel like i have a hole in my heart.

i’ll be fine. i will.

remind me he needs a flashlight. okay?

allright. glad i’m writing? HA! a bunch of nibbles for you. I’m thinking a lot. I’m looking forward to when it starts spilling out onto a keyboard. its been a good time, believe it or not.

love you,


person holding flashlight during nighttime

Off the cuff .

(the whole ‘in which i’ thing has died. i can’t sustain it. I love its format, but it is incompatible with today’s off the cuff nature. maybe it will resurrect later? No idea. Don’t hold your breath.)

i’ve got my coffee, i’ve got a prompt to follow, i’ve probably got another man i like who drinks too much. i’ve got a lot of thoughts today, and giant pauses in between them.

so, here is where i work it out, in the full glory of the public eye. (no, not everything. but still.)

  1. wasted time. can time be wasted? lots of divorced people say they wasted their best years. because of my kids, i never say that. so, it wasn’t wasted and i don’t feel like my life ended. surprised? yes i am. . . and i also feel curious about what lies ahead of me all the time, even if its sometimes bleak, in my mood. wasted?
    its one of those things, that is a perspective shift. a personality trait. of course it wasn’t wasted time, it was just life. i think it was damaging to me, but i did the best i knew how and I got three amazing kids birthed and raised, so, wasted? no. difficult? yes. perspective.
  2. i’m realizing how thought-filled i am, all the time. i mean, i suppose its not surprising to a reader, but maybe more specifically, i am realizing that it isn’t the norm. I spend too much time on my phone, like most people these days but in between that scrolling compulsion? I could just sit and stare for quite a long time and be fine.
  3. alcohol. shit, man. a whole lot of people depend on it, a lot. I don’t have any frame of ‘normal’ in reaction to it. I actually ‘try’ to drink once in a while so that i can keep myself in the norm. isn’t that insane? it really kind of is. but i don’t see anything wrong with a glass of wine with dinner and i even appreciate it, as a nod to pleasure and deep appreciation of food. but lately i have been hungover from a single glass of wine, and i’m not willing to give up my mornings. — so what is it? what is this reliance born of habit and why are so many people who take care of themselves including it in their lives? is it the pleasure and appreciation i mentioned or is it the escapism that i also sometimes feel? when my kids are away and i go buy a can?! of watermelon margarita? (so classy) Its basically a swedish fish alcohol, which makes me laugh. so predictable.
    oh god, this is all so random. Escape. I think its about escape. (maybe i don’t have anything really to escape from anymore?)
  4. The prompt was to make a list or write for ten minutes on what you say no to. I say no to lying, to looking like everyone else, to trying to. I say no to mean humor, at my table and in my kids. i say no to pretending i’m not mad. i say no to stupid thinking, easy ways out. i say no to kale. i say no to closed doors, unless i’m in the tub. i say no to littering.
  5. I laugh at myself a lot. Littering? That was a fantastically glib ending to a ten second writing. i’m tired of alcohol being a thing in my life. i really am. And yet, life. There is nothing better than a cold beer with a hot slice. Nothing. I nod at it as I move about.
  6. I’m trying to work out what my dreams for the future are. and I’m bumping into a lot of resistance to making a plan. or even writing down what the dreams are, (i have two big ones and even typing that is stupid scary) and it comes back to fear, in a big way. that the dreams are stupid, unreachable (for me, because i am stupid, you see.)
  7. I am making a mental list of things I need to actually fix in my house. That will make me feel like a million bucks. I know it will.
  8. Sigh. God bless you for reading. I don’t know how you do it, somedays.

ha. love love,


random, mug, glasses, tax forms, lamp and heart cutouts on a chair. Random shapefest.

Non-sequitur: December

Nothing makes sense. Nothing follows the other. There ya go.

  1. I think unicorns are malevolent. I do. They’ve always creeped me out. They’ve got magical blood and go after virgin maidens. What is not to love?
  2. I’ve ordered a dozen bombs filled with various delicious things to celebrate christmas eve and morning with. If that is all I feed them all day, we’re good, right?
  3. There was a solar eclipse while I was in the grocery store. I think this is representative of this entire year. (also missed a meteor shower last night, damnit.)
  4. Tomorrow is my kid’s 13th birthday. That’ll be two teenager boys at once. I’m looking forward to it. I’m looking forward to it all. I can’t believe I’m here though. Amazing.
  5. I’m whacked out entirely that people are still resisting masks.
  6. My fifteen year old is screaming like a little tiny hysterical baby. that mad cry that they make if they legitimately need and are not being seen to? yep. he’s doing that. 15. video gaming.
  7. I’m moving so quickly into the next era of my life that I worry my littlest one, at 8, might lose part of her childhood. (one half of me thinks that is nuts. the other half though? )
  8. Today I’m giddy to be divorced. GIDDY with burbling joy.
  9. I’m going to spend New Years by myself on my sofa like every other night that the kids are away. I’m kind of bothered. but then, not. my favorite day of the year is New Years. I buy into all of it. ALL OF IT. restart, refresh, plan, dream. ALL OF IT.
  10. If someone were to buy you a toy animal, what would it be? I think I’d like a hippo.

peace out, weirdos.


black hippopotamus laying on ground during daytime
Photo by Pixabay on