Humanity

falling leaves, right?

One of the things i’ve learned from working with farmers, besides the fact that I’m not actually cut out to be an ACTUAL farmer, is that the seasons actually do follow that whole ‘official first day of… ‘ thing. As in, the weather will still be more warm than chilly until the end of the month (22nd?) and the cold will settle in afterwards. And then, the week that ‘winter’ starts, its going to be actually fucking cold.

And I’m not a pumpkin spice person, so I could probably not give less of a shit about all that. I’ll take the warm days and the cool nights forever and ever, amen.

Its been a while, and its ‘fall’ according to kids being back in school and my outdoor laboring jobs slowing down. I’m turning back to working from home, writing, editing, and the like. Well, i’m going to try damn hard. I’m pretty damn fearful I won’t make enough money and it’s still not enough to force me into some other line of work. not yet.

I’m good otherwise. I have the wood I need to get through the cold spell. Though, most of it is in the front yard, waiting to be split and THAT is waiting on me to go buy an ax. I want to memorialize this action somehow, like dress up in a loose and flowy gown with sparkles before I walk into the big box hardware store and purchase my ax. It is a once in a lifetime thing, and it should be special.

Maybe I’ll carry a lit candle.

I should bring my kids with me. Because I want them to have more core memories of me than just ‘lady who does laundry’ and ‘the boring house’ and ‘why can’t we go out to dinner?’ …. yes, i jest. we have a good time, they are sto damn funny. but goddamn. i do see this as a negative of the two-home family. the comparisons are nonstop, and i really do not do well when held up against ‘the weekend house’ and the laisse-faire. and i think i’ve misspelled that. and guess what? i’m not going to search it up or correct it. because i’d much rather have someone contact me about it and engage in a conversation. how bout that?

i’ve got to go soon, my new leaves in flip still include egg washing chores, and i’m off to wash dozens and dozens of them. While i wash, i do a lot of thinking about ‘dispatches from the cooped-up’. I do crack myself up.

See what I did there?

oh my friends, expect more from me. go on. do it.

love love,

kate

Humanity

The busy dead.

I’m braindead and dreaming about cigarettes. I can’t find my phone. I’m stalling going into work at the greenhouses because oh my god, its august, and greenhouses are over a hundred degrees. i run to the 95* shade like its a relief afterwards. I cannot drink enough water. I am frequently dead.

I sent a picture of myself to my best friend in wisconsin who is a nurse. and she jumped into high alert, which was not my intention. it was funny sad because i was fine, but could see her distress and feel my own distress at humanity not really being suited for outside work when the world is spinning too fast and is losing its protection from the sun.

tomorrow i drive to maine, leaving my middle at the camp of his dreams. he’s such a cool kid, and this summer i’ve been feeling all the sadness of a mom who works a lot and is not with her kids enough. and now he is gone for two weeks. bliss, for him. and bittersweet for me. sports tryouts start directly when he gets back. its a wrap.

i’m trying to write more, guys, and its not all ending up here, which is probably a relief to you, loyal readers, as maybe what i write here will begin to have more form, more direct glow/flow. Clearly, this is not happening today. I think its the impact of the driving day, the time spent just staring and thinking. I really do. I don’t even always listen to music, and the car I drive is a very zippy jetta. I am wholeheartedly in favor of the jetta, and who knew i’d ever have an opinion about a car? who knew? But I LOVE IT, and will actually consider foregoing a subaru when next I am forced to consider car buying.

zippy.

sigh. i’ve got to get ready for today’s work. the boss called and said today is a wear what you want day, which means i can forego the pants, which is a blessing of MAGNITUDE. so there is that.

love love, stay cool,

-me

Well, on second glance, i can see why she was concerned! … 😂
Humanity

I have a day off.

Except for one lacrosse game, which will be the only one of his I have seen all year. So I’m in it, fully. I actually enjoy lacrosse, its so much like hockey, so violent. (i don’t know anything about hockety, honestly, but i know sticks are used as bats and they are allowed to slam into each other. lacrosse is like that.) If my kid were small, I’d be terrified. As it is, he gets battered. Something about males, I know. but god, its so peculiar how much they love it.

And maybe its a female thing, that I sit and am okay with the brutality, from afar. I can deal with the aftermath just fine, and the distance allows me to feel safe that I am not involved. Weird, right?

So, on this day off, which is sort of sprung on me by my own inability to keep going, I have woken groggy from a night with a ceaselessly barking dog. As I am mostly deaf, you can imagine what a racket he was making. A herd of gazelle? A pack of coyotes? Coven of squirrels? I have no idea. It was forever. Anyhow, I am not feeling the joy of an opportunity day before me. I’m just tired and i suppose, a little grumpy.

I’m supposed to finish up a writing project today. I’d be satisfied with four thousand words. I need to move the story along substantially. But. So far I have made coffee. I have broken the lawnmower in a fairly substantially way, but only after finishing the front. So from the street, I look like I’m handling things just fine. It works for passers by, and it works for me. Its satisfying to drive in and see a little neatness. I’m going to try and fix it soon. wish me someone else’s luck.

I haven’t got final numbers from the plant sale yet, but I’ll be happy to have cash in hand. Maybe I’ll buy some chickens. ? I need to figure out the fencing situation though, I can’t let them free-range anymore, they are getting eat and hit and its just too much. (more brutality). I wish I could let them wander, as they really decimate the tick population. And I hate worrying about going out into grass. My god, this world.

(yeah, no, ticks are not the bigger problems i think we need to worry about. just to be clear.)

also. my washing machine doesn’t feel like spinning. so the clothing is sopping wet. and i need one of those wringers my grandmother used to have. where does one get a wringer these days, aye?

also. i know we all like johnny depp but why do we feel so glib about assuming he is not an abuser? seems like a popularity thing going on right now. its so weird and is making me feel very funny about the whole thing. haven’t we learned anything at all?

sigh. (does this count as writing if i bore several people right to death’s door?)

grayscale photography of front load washers
Photo by Adrienne Andersen on Pexels.com

Humanity

Plant sale, midstream

There is a second weekend of plant sale. It arriveth momentarily. Based on the numbers so far, I have outspent my profits by a factor of three. In some ways, this makes total sense, because my expenses included things that I will never have to purchase again. Grow lights, a seedling heat mat, a shelving unit for the trays, etc. Next year’s numbers will look radically different.

But man, it doesn’t make my heart flutter in a good way.

I’ve been coming home from longer work days (everyone is doing the same thing at the same time and my back is sore and I’ve already got a farmer’s tan.) and then repeating the work in my own garden. I cannot get the dirt out of the creases of my hands.

There is something glorious in this, and utterly romantic to the girl who feels romantic about these things, and yet I’m fall down tired, middle-aged, and the kids keep wanting food. I don’t even like pizza anymore and its so damn expensive to fall that way. They just keep wanting food.

The one thing that i did sell that was a boon was bouquets. I made little bouquets from the flowers given to me by flower boss and they jumped right out of my hands. At eight bucks, they were a steal and they were stolen. Makes me wonder and feel happy that i’ve been planting my flower beds so well this year. I wonder if there is a drive-by market for bouquets on my street. Hmm.

But I’m tired, man. Very tired. And yes, energized in my core. Growing things is pretty damn magical.

IF YOU WANNA SING OUT, SING OUT.

Humanity

FLIP FLAP, Zombie Mom scuffle.

A list, and a lot of mind-flakes.

  1. I hate Putin. I cannot understand. I heard a guy on tv saying america is weak but supporting him by buying oil. this from the same citizen-base who blames gas prices on presidents. I’m so confused by the way people look at things. I just cannot understand any of this and my heart is broken for a mindset that says its okay to destroy a nation, for any reason at all. What the fuck.
  2. I don’t watch tv news. But I get suckered by what shows up on my computer screen sometimes. Flickering light of doom.
  3. I am having a hard time with my brain. Adjusting to life outside of my house is proving much more difficult than I’d imagined. (i mean, realistically, not hard, but listen..) I’ve spent most of sixteen years completely at-home. Time moves differently here. There were jobs, small ones. There was and is, a pandemic. Time and space give my brain an elasticity that goes away when everything is rush and hurry. The scheduling of my life has taken a new, more powerful role and yes, i can adjust. I keep bumping into these speed bumps though, and i fall off the road. For instance, I don’t take a lunch at any of these jobs, because what? lose money? no. So, i arrive home around 2 or 2:30 without having had food. I’m not good at feeding myself, and the kids are home and so i forget. So, I’m derailing around 4, moving automatically but not well, and thinking about making dinner or preparing it, and then suddenly its taxitime or bedtime, and i haven’t written, haven’t done a single thing for my inner world, and goddamnit. Its a problem.
  4. Zombie mom is not a good mom.
  5. I’m having a giant plant sale in May. Snapdragons, pansies, sunflowers, nasturtium, you name it, come and buy it. Me. All me. And both my farmers are trying to help me and dude, nothing is planted yet. How does one wrap one’s brain around so much potential and possible disaster all at once? I do not know. I’m sometimes freaking out.
  6. Zombie mom is not a good mom.
  7. I’m starting another refinance process. I’m starting my taxes. They both feel just as good as each other. Skunks with porcupine quills. Imagine that.
  8. Hi, and I’m sorry I haven’t written more. Believe me.
From awhile ago, but goddamnit. I own this post. Here I am.