Humanity

Blargh.

Its funny. As I type I think, boy, I should check that I haven’t used that as a post title before. How often do I type some version of Blargh? Pretty often I think. I’m something special, kids, something very special.

(I don’t have the energy to actually look it up, I think I’m just pointing at it and giggling)

I haven’t been tested yet but it makes all the sense in the world that I have covid as well as my two kids, and that my third probably does as well. Just, you know, common sense. Covid has not exactly brought about an enormous upswing in common sense, but you know that already.

It feels a little bit like a completely typical massive headcold for me. I feel stuffy and disconnected from the world. And I can’t feed the chickens and I can’t sell the potatoes. And I’m not allowed out anywhere at all really, and can’t take the kids anywhere either, so I’m just lying on the sofa and moaning. The dog is happy to have us all home again.

Its fine. At this point, december of 2021, this is all old hat. We have done this for a year plus, in terms of school, and I think I’ve surrendered my soul to the morass of the complications involved in covid.

I see nothing to rail against, not just because I am swamped by a stuffy head. I am just not that type, I guess. Schools? Just tell me what to do to get my kids’ back to you. Job? Yes, just tell me. Take the burden of thought and sorting out the many complications, take it.

Everyone has a different rule, and I don’t care what your belief system is, just tell me how to get us back to society, if we can, if it is worth it.

Gargh.

Is it?

brown pomeranian lying on snow
This dog is what my mental acuity looks like right now. Photo by Татьяна Чернышова🍒 on Pexels.com
Humanity

Asshole. And Rattle practice.

Well, two of the three kids have tested positive for covid. So, if you read that last post in which I whine? WELL.

I’m an asshole and so it is. No more whining except that I’m glad I’m vaccinated, and since they’re really quite recovered already, I can say I’m glad that they’ll have antibodies. Sigh.

And, on a positive note, my freezer will finally have its day. (i’m vaccinated, so according to the town nurse I can go to the store, but I’m concerned about the ego of the freezer, and how much its been looking forward to this day.)

It brings up a host of problems in co-parenting, in case you were wondering. So many and so varied, and so much of my life right now is just spent listening, and keeping my mouth shut and waiting for ‘conversation’ to end. I’m definitely out of practice of talking, because I do not know how people rattle on anymore. I really don’t.

Should I get out there and practice? (well, after we’re done quarantining.) Just go up to strangers and rattle off on them? or maybe that is what I use this forum for?

I honestly do not know. I think it might be time for more rattle practice, because listening sucks. I’d like to be the rattler for once.

LET ME RATTLE GODDAMNIT. LET ME RATTLE.

Humanity

Whatever man.

See here for a small complaining post about why I wish we were all more thoughtful about covid in the schools, and parents, and homelives.

SO. My kids school requires a PCR molecular test if the kid has any of the covid symptoms. Not more than one, or seriousness or any such combination, just one. So my kid had a fever, a mild one but enough to knock her off her game and I kept her home til she recovered. Now, unless I get a doctor to say she has strep or some other distinct alternative to covid, she is essentially presumed to have covid and I have to keep her home for ten days.

And now I have another one with a fever.

SO. I feel this. I know that it is so complicated, and putting decisions like this in the hands of school nurses is just tragic. So, I really do get that. But with kids? There isn’t always a diagnosis to explain everything. Like, sometimes they just have a fever, or get a cold, you know? And yes, I’m getting two of my kids a PCR test today, Thursday, in hopes that, with a negative, they can go back to school on Monday. Because they have a dad who can GIVE a pcr test. because there were no appointments anywhere until SUNDAY. WHICH WOULD MEAN THEY COULDN”T GO BACK TIL POSSIBLY THURSDAY WHICH WOULD PUT ME AT ALMOST A WEEK PLUS OF NO SCHOOL FOR a 24 hour something or other, and in my daughter’s case she’s up and raring to go.

so. MONDAY.

I work at home, and won’t be doing any today or tomorrow and that is just wretched. But what are parents doing? Taking days off? A whole week’s worth?! Are parents going to start lying? Are doctors, knowing what vaguery is doing to a typical family life? Will people just send sick kids to school? Will nurses have to meet kids at the door to keep them out? How is this being handled?

ALL of this is grotesquely caricatured in the assumption that they are negative, of course.

I do not like this, sam.

And here I am. Driving for a covid test, fingers crossed that they’ll go back to school and science is a tricky business and full of rebels and thy will be done, etc. etc. And no, my kids aren’t vaccinated yet, but honestly, it would change absolutely nothing about this post, because the protocol is the same for everyone.

and yeah, i hear you out there calling me a whiner. I do. and I know, I am.

HERE ME WHINE.

-ugh.

Covid, in the shape of the light fixture in the living room. Its everywhere.

Humanity

Out with a pbbbt.

well, here we are, at the end of November. Sitting pretty on a sturdy ladder, like some posed country whitegirl photoshoot. I’m even wearing buffalo plaid. (nah, i’m not.)

But anyhow, here I am, mid-way through the hardest two months of the year. Knowing my dearest lady may die soon is a humdinger, but I can’t do anything about it. I’m adding some more cooking to my list, so I can bring down food to her husband once in a while.

But all in all, I’ve survived well, more than I thought I was capable of, at this point. I had a kid-birthday party in which my ex and his nextwife were invited, and I survived and I weathered another death anniversary and an extended-family Thanksgiving which deflated because of Covid and devolved all the way into a sick kid meaning I couldn’t even go to the church fairs. I mean, my god.

And I’m laughing at myself because I am still so damn lucky. I recognize my complaints are utterly benign, sometimes funny, and I’m not exactly doing a ‘poor me’ post, but I wrote a little this morning about how and what a privilege it is to have faith. faith that everything works out somehow. I have that. I’m well aware that it is probably not going to look like I think it is, whatever the future is. . . And it is a sign and a symptom of my privilege, right? And since there is not much I can do about it, I’m going to sink down into it like I’m in a warm embrace, or a tub.

Okay, I’m off to make a sandwich for the sick kid, who I abandoned for three hours to go and do chickens, who are immeasurably harder when their water system freezes. The bitches ain’t happy, friends.

(said for humor only, although they were especially peckish today)

lovelove you,

kate

last day of the uber pressure-filled nanoblowrimomo.

Humanity

Sinking feeling.

i’ve forgotten my antidepressants for two days. (just as an fyi) Took a late dose today because I’ve started falling off the path into past losses. I even spent a minute resenting that married guy I liked so much who neglected to tell me that he was married. men can really be assholish. I know its gender fluid, that assholish-ery, but I stand by my sentence, as the body of my experience is with male assholes.

my former mother inlaw is in the hospital again, and i’ve been told now, for the third time, that she just has a little bit of time left.

She’s one of my oldest friends. I met her when I was fifteen and loved her even then, and never stopped. I will miss her terribly. I admire her so. I do not envy her children, because they really don’t know what is in store for them, despite all the assurances that they do. maybe they are in fact, different from the rest of us. time will tell i guess.

i don’t like writing bullshit like that there, but feel the need to leave it because i know how common that attitude is in me, full of resentment and past bullshittery…. just so you see me as I am.

Bullshit it is, because grief and how you feel it is yours, and yours alone and i have no right to fling my own ego on this situation.

its going to be a large loss, and we will all feel it.

I’m making cookies. Plain old chocolate chip. Enough to fill the cookie jar and more.

I’ll get through, changed, but through.

love you all.

-kate