Humanity

The last day 2021.

oh boy. its here. they all arrive home in the next three hours and they won’t leave again until august.

(yes, i’m exaggerating. they spend a lot of time with their dad, and friends and a whole bunch of things outside the house. but this is it, the end of routine.)

And i’ve decided to bring my laptop outside, which I never do. Somehow I feel like I ‘need’ to be productive and there can’t be any pleasure in that. And if there is, it must not be productivity. Somehow the joy should be in the ‘completion’ but not the task, like with yesterday’s taxes. (which is asinine and maybe i’ll rethink that thought tomorrow.)

But here I am, typing outside. I have a lot of work I’m supposed to do this month, and I can’t see how I’m going to do any of it. I’m pretty damn sure I can’t type while driving or making lunches or sitting on the beach keeping children from drowning. or at least watching like a hawk to be sure I am the first to know that they Are.

shitake.

Its beautiful today. The clouds are that stretched-out type that look almost flat, I’m sure one of you knows the name. It feels still, but when the treetops are this busy, there is no way there are that many squirrels up there.

I’ve been avoiding thinking about this being the end of this particular year. Why is that? The kids arriving home today signals the end of something enormous. If they stick around long enough this afternoon, I think I need a family hug. Or a family nap. They made it. I made it. Most of their teachers made it, though I’m sure one or two lost their minds. God bless us all.

Its so big, I don’t know how to wrap my head around it. There is something that needs to be done, some way to mark it. Face tattoos? Hair dye?

Shit.

The world is so beautiful guys, and we made it through a very long year. Since last march. My god.

my god.

lovelove.

different pebbles on beach as abstract background
Photo by kira schwarz on Pexels.com

Humanity

Old enough.

Shah, right.

I got my taxes delivered to the tax man.

(my aunt can now breathe more freely…)

And after doing so I walked around the downtown of the small city I live near. I love this little city. I’ve spent some of my young adulthood here. There is so much that keeps changing and so much that is still the same. I re- remembered about crazy people and eye contact vs. no eye contact. Its debatable, really. Eye contact lets them know you’re not a pushover and also, if they’re truly crazy, gives them the belief that they should talk to you.

which i do not like.

So be it. call me walled off, whatever.

I’m old enough to do what I want, right?

I opted for no eye contact today but I did return the hellos I got with a hello and a smile directed at my own feet. And I did get a fabulous coffee and a breakfast sandwich that someone else made. AND I spent some time remembering the skater boys who owned the skate shop and who were so damn cute. I imagine they’re all dads now… Their store is hella bigger than it used to be, and I’m pretty damn happy for them. I spotted the restaurant that is so good at social media stuff. It was a good time. And I drove off like a grown up, feeling so happy that my taxes are now in someone else’s hands. There is a gaping hole on my desk where the paperwork was. How brilliant. How old am I, you ask? Plenty old, I say.

But there it is. I am just old enough to feel the satisfaction of one less dead branch hanging over my tent. One less broken rung in the ladder. This is the week I replaced all the flickering light bulbs and re-hung the clothesline. These are the things. And in my days and nights when I don’t recognize them as ‘enough’, there are other things too.

There are the secretaries who call the wrong number on the medical form when they should be calling the kid’s dad. We laugh, and they get all the information from me anyhow. Because I’m the mom. Women are good, and we laugh together. I like that.

My garden is growing, in fits, and waiting is hard for me. legitimately hard. but I have a thing to do every day now when I’m avoiding a feeling or a project and its good for me, and i think the cucumber plants know my name now, so we’re all doing better for it.

And I’ll be okay about the summer. I will. (just remind me of this post, when i forget mid-july and begin to despair.)

And my tax man is already asking me questions and I am in love.

I’m definitely old enough.

love love,

kate

what an interesting photo, you say? hmm. yes. Intersections of empty. And a fairy on a frog, intersected.
Humanity

Happy, like Pharrell happy.

  1. I’ve got another writing project again and I can kvetch about how its hard to write for hours a day but now I can and I will get paid. I’m very happy about that.
  2. I’m already procrastinating about said job and am going to take a bath today while it rains on my garden which is going to explode. I’m so very happy about that.
  3. I’m thinking the rain will cancel both baseball and lacrosse and everyone will be home for a real honest-to-god sit down dinner and I might even break out the placemats. I’m wildly ecstatic. (crazy rare right now)
  4. The rain. Let it rain. rain. rain. farmers are dancing all over right now. dancing. Their joy will feed us!
  5. I took the sweatshirts off the line before the rain came. While everything around me might be falling down? Dry sweatshirts and a victory are pretty damn satisfying. (small things are breaking, just small ones. no worries.)
  6. Still haven’t completed my taxes but I’m feeling great that they are finally underway. Productivity and accomplishment are coming! I’m quite pleased.
  7. This is the kind of rain that will end in rainbows. And i’m wildly happy about my life, that I know this.
  8. I have a chicken who refuses to sleep in the coop and she lays her eggs in the shed. She has survived so far, and I think she might believe herself to be a rooster. I’m thrilled for her. I have no idea where she/he lays his/her head at night. Whatever it takes.
  9. I can sit and type and look out at the rain. And this is part of my work. To let my brain wander and fill in characters and wander back again to the page. How could anything be better? (delirious.)
  10. School is out in a day and a half. I’m a little nervous, but also feel like a pro at this point. I’ve already heard the ‘its so boring, we have to do something fun every day’ pitch and it is a little bit panicky to hear it before school even ends, but damnit, they say every summer is the best summer ever, every year, so I must be doing something less than horrible. And I’m clutching to the joys of corn on the cob and kids happily playing with friends. Clutching to Joy. (my next book. HA! WHITE KNUCKLED GRASP OF JOY!)

love you,

me.

Pharrell* If you don’t know what this is, for goodness sakes. Do it now.

Humanity

Friday funday. Sigh, yep. Prep time.

Today is the last Friday that the kids will be in school this year.

They have two and a half days next week. Thanks everyone, for that half day. I’m going to make so much use of it and write a few thousand words for work in like, two hours. I love it. (can you hear the blister in there? Ouch. If words could seer…)

I’ve just completed a marathon of errands and house-stocking in order to greet the summer. Once a week they will spend a weekday with their dad, and every other weekend as well. So we are going to be ‘together together’ for so very much of it. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again, but believe me, I am preparing.

I’ve got my beach pass, a rolling beach cart, a cooler, wait, no I don’t. shit, my seven hundred pounds of hamburger, my six thousand bags of chips, a small orchard worth of apples, a garden which will handle the cucumber/tomato situation, as well as a surprising number of red peppers. The farm down the street will supply the corn by mid-July, most likely. Maybe end July.

I’ve discovered, well, i’ve (re-)discovered wine coolers which make me feel like a fancy lady but don’t put much alcohol in my system. I’d get more drunk if an alkie sneezed on me. So there is that to look forward to at the end of the day, and each of the kids has a friend with a pool. So I feel pretty damn squared away. Everyone has a swimsuit that fits, also, and I’m pretty sure everyone has some kind of sandal. (hmm… that third kid… maybe that’s a thing…)

There is sunblock and there is aloe vera gel in the fridge. What else do I need?

Tell me, quick, my time is running out.

(and no, I don’t know why I feel like the gates of summer will clang shut on me if I’m not prepared enough. I mean, I can just go BUY more sunblock, right?)

lovelove.

Heading out for Summer Survival Preparedness Day. There’s a bunker to fill.

Humanity

Beginner.

I’m constantly starting over.

(Or, thats how it feels)

I’m figuring things out, and I rarely get it on the first try. So, I go again.

I think that the writing I did on ‘I want’ prompt made me so unhappy because it became a litany of things I need. It had no magic in it, it had only dreams that were practical in nature, things that are dreams because they would ease hardships, or heat-related tomfoolery. There were nightmares there, and I basically disdain any list that has nightmares on it. Don’t you? Come on now.

I needed to change the language for myself. So herein: A WISH LIST. (its the ticket for me.)

  1. I wish I could incorporate all of the greens I see out my window directly into my soul. That’s the feeling I want to have. That wild euphoric variation. (better than ice cream by a thousand)
  2. I wish I could more fully communicate with the birds who live in the trees outside my window. I’d love to know what’s going on with them.
  3. I wish I could flip a switch when my brain gets rattled and worried about all the things and just get back to the green.
  4. I wish old houses had old faeries to fix all the things. Should I start putting milk out at night for them, in case they are here? (noel, i’m smiling at you.)
  5. I wish I had more patience to wait and see the zinnias. I’m dying man. (and the dahlias? COME ON. I can hardly stand it.)

I do think that my life so far has not been about what I wanted entirely, but I did have time at college and I did make choices when I was ridiculously young, that were about my own wants and joys. So, there is that. I was a real go-with-the-flow girl and so i rode the wave, swept here and there.

When I think about wanting and my ‘life’, I really think about the past decade, the marriage and divorce and ‘when does kate grow up?’ years. I still have this niggling feeling that I’m ‘supposed’ to be doing something else, that someone disapproves of what I’m doing, or its not enough, or I should have a ‘real’ direction. (all whispered)

So. A wish list.

6. I wish I could still ride the wave, and go with the flow. MORE. I wish to do it MORE.

Still figuring it out,

love love,

me.

****It’s the new moon today, so make your own list, what do you wish for? Its the day for setting new intentions!

grass beside the sea
Wishful… Photo by Melanie Wupperman on Pexels.com