Humanity

Let’s Get Basic.

It’s time to confess that my relationship with my kitchen table is not platonic. (I am not basic, damnit)

I love it.

(If there was a fire, and my children and animals were safe, and I had a crew of young strong people at my disposal and the fire was unstoppable but at the other end of the building, then I would save this table. -all caveats necessary.)

Its immediately similar to the one I grew up with, but was in fact in the kitchen of my mother-in-law during her young mother-hood. My dog spent his young puppy-hood chewing on the base of it, so it is utterly corrupted from the ‘sell it for money’ point of view.

PLUS. i would never.

I’m going to leave my study right now, to go work at my lover’s lap. (um, wasn’t meant to be so damn sexual, but I’m literally going to bring my laptop into the kitchen now. Gutter-people, gutter.)

So its the basics, here. lightbulbs I bought this morning in a rush that I have figured out I don’t really need. Somehow every lightbulb in the kitchen got knocked loose, and all that flicker is just a matter of a tighter screw. (again. JAYSUS already.)

There’s an alphabet by Russell Maret, which my kids were figuring out today. Its been on the wall for six months or so but today, two of the three were deeply puzzled by a well-wishing new year’s alphabet card without the letters DJT… smirk encouraged.

They got it. Even the 8 year old. I’m definitely successful at the indoctrination of my children.

Money from the busdriver for the eggs I give him weekly. I really should pay him, my kids are so sick of eggs. So sick of eggs.

A baseball schedule, a book someone picks up every three months and leaves on the table so it ‘won’t get lost’.

Scratch tickets for big big money equaling the egg money, easily.

An art project, a pocketbook, waterglass and list of prompts. A joker, an M, a yo-yo and some trouble besides. . . What can you see? What can you find? None of it’s basic, my friends. What’s on Your mind?

Can we just let it lie, that nothing is basic? I’m deeply in love with the ephemera in my life. Would I still pay a lot of money to have someone clean my home? Yes, yes I would.

See? Not BASIC.

I’m laughing and sighing.

Yes, I love love you.

kate

Humanity

Avoidance

I will now confess that I did not get my car inspected on time. I will add to the confession a full twelve months. Twelve months of knowing that it would be a very expensive problem if I were to be pulled over. I would not be shot, most likely, because i’m a white woman, but I would get a large bill in the mail.

big difference.

It is like me to avoid things, but it is not like me to risk on something so dumb. But now that the car has been inspected, I feel secretly quite proud that I scammed the government of a year’s worth of time. None of this is rational.

I also avoid doing my taxes. I’m old enough that I’ve done them myself, had them done by others and its all good, its a pain but it is not hard. and yet. It weighs on me, and I look away.

I’m avoiding the next step in my creative doer class. It has to do with a lot of work with fear, and I am ready, there is a stack of paper next to me right now. and no. can’t make me. no. go to hell. GO TO HELL.

I’m avoiding my former in-laws. because I get so upset. I’m very unproud of this. I get so upset on so many levels and it is hard to level myself out afterwards. I really actively hate so many of the memories that are stirred up by being pulled back into that whirlwind. And it hurts, and I don’t want to feel hurt. And so I will make some kind of food and bring it down this week because I am an asshole.

Sigh. so there. I’ve also been avoiding writing here, I think. I am feeling deeply bored, and don’t want to know that I am spreading that particular virus.

LOVE LOVE. Yeah, I still love ya.

-kate

Not avoiding dessert. 😊

Humanity

Two things I’m stuck on. Questions.

  1. Cynthia Lee asked, “what are your non-negotiables?”
  2. Anna Lovind asked, “If you could have a miracle, right now, what would it be?”

It shouldn’t be as hard as I’m finding it, to make an answer to either of these questions. Is my imagination dead? Am I truly as world-weary as I feel somedays? I had thought I was exaggerating to myself.

I’m assuming that the miracle has to be beyond ‘world peace’ or ‘i wish the first plastic had all been truly biodegradable.’

So, as far as the miracle goes, a first thought of money arrives. But how much? Is that a miracle really? Then I go to a healthy supportive loving partner, an actual partner, someone to yin and yang with so I can feel part of something and interwoven into things a bit more. I’d love to love someone and have them be delighted by me. That would be pretty miraculous. I’d still have to deal with myself, but man, I mean, that is something when you have it. I didn’t in marriage, but I did with the old boyfriend LM. So, I know how it can feel. And I think that would be pretty miraculous, right?

And then, Cynthia’s question: non-negotiables.

What do I consider non-negotiable in my day?

I need space, I need quiet. I need beauty. I need time to stare out the window. I need to recognize beauty in all the things. I do say writing, yes, I do need that. Without the outlet, my brain is too busy with desperate housewife depravity. (This is a thing) Most of the time my brain is full of shit, and the good stuff needs a little shuffle to come forward. The writing allows me to stir the pot of my psyche, and that’s good for all involved. still waters are only ever a mask.

So- what I need in my day, non-negotiable.

  • writing
  • Is there something wrong if I can’t come up with something else? I mean, I could give a toss for food, if i had to go without, i’d survive. space and quiet are things i have only gotten lately, so i know i can live without those. i stargaze and windowgaze all the time, I’m good with days off, but what? What else? Can I start with just one? Can I spend the rest of the days thinking about what is negotiable? It seems I’m already off on that tangent. God bless the flow, the freaking schizophrenic flow.

Sigh. Think about it. Are your answers fast and furious? Where do you end up?

love love,

me.

person doing peace sign hand gesture
Dudes. Fingers up. Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com
Humanity

Mother’s Day

Why do I like this made-up feshta so much? (I live in a Portuguese area and everything important has an sh in it.) Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day.

More than any other it honors the love behind it all. Whether its mom or sister or spouse or best friend, its a love day for the ladies, way more than any Valentine’s might be. Its a day the pressure is mostly off, for me. I don’t have a partner, so its not like i have someone to grill burgers for lunch, so its not that kind of pressure. There’s just some lessening of the code, some ‘i don’t care, just leave your phone in the car’ time with the kids, some pleasure mixed in with favorite foods or take out for dinner, or this year? This year we got to go to my Mom’s, in person, unmasked. My middle kid was giving everyone long hugs, even though he lives with some of us. I’ll take it. My kids told me thank you and I love you multiple times all day, though it was primarily that middle kid again. He does make me smile. I chose to keep my eldest home from a soccer game that was smack dab in the middle of it, and he didn’t give me too much grief, and got a chance to talk to him grandmother and aunt and actually give them a chance to find out who he is, as he grows into his young man self.

That was pretty fucking great.

And yes, I know what a tricky day it is. And I am grieving my mother-in-law who is still alive, and I know this a day of a lot of grief for many many. There is no way not to mention the layers that there are here. Women. Its all the women of the world and what for many of us, is a nurturing capacity. whether we have access to that part of us is massive. And with whom and how the nurture is shared is a multiplicity. Fur babies, friends, step-children? And probably some don’t have it, and how does society view them? There is also so much loss, loss of babies, loss of moms, loss of possibility for babies. Its all in this one day, somehow. Its hard to hide from it, and even I don’t want to see the social media world on this day. There is too much that looks like ‘perfect’, and I don’t want to see it.

My best friend in the world told me that if she could choose anyone in the world to be her mother, it would be me.

And so my heart broke open, and the skies poured down baby rainbows and dandelion puffs. And I loved it. I would do it in a flash. Anyone else need me ? I’m offering the nurture here, free. I’ll bring tea and an extra blanket, maybe some lozenges, and a hand hold, and a shoulder squeeze.

love you all, and holding you in a long hug.

-lovelove

Humanity

I fell off the world. (Depression post)

And I’m sure I will again.

I’ve got this sort of cyclical depression going on and I’m trying to figure it out. watching when things go south. I know its pandemica but the hills and valleys must still be lived through. And I’m already on antidepressants. So, I’ll be Holding my hand when I feel myself slipping downwards, taking a good hot bath. Reaching out very gently to friends who will yell or support, either is fine. I have a therapist, I do not feel a danger to myself. (dingding.)

I haven’t got work this week, like i said already. (God! I so hate repetitions. I’m almost afraid of them. Does it mean I’m/you’re not paying attention?! Apologies all around.)

Yesterday was full of things but I FELT morose, which is damn sucky. The things I say to myself are just incredibly vicious. So today I am being more pro-active about it. I will be reading, taking my herbalism class, making sure I am warm and well-fed, without judging myself for having leftover butterchicken at ten am. (Oh good god, it was so good. I will eat it again for dinner, and tomorrow too. Even the kids loved it. It just needed little almond slivers, which i forgot.)

Do I really need a job outside the house, just to battle this shit? Because how can I write at all if I do that? Why God, why did you have to make cinnamon gummy bears bad for me?

I’m off to a bath soon, and I did get to my writing group this morning, and maybe I’ll try to save my poor begonia instead of seeing it as proof of my suckitude. Aye? Depression can suck it today.

Give me a topic to write about. Seriously. I beg of you.

love love,

me.

Bowl of Pastel chalks on a rainy day.