Humanity

A list: what surrounds me

I’m not doing ‘well-considered’ lists today. this is off the cuff and fast. Ready?

  1. I’ve got an old agatha christie book at my feet, bought it at a savers, for its cool-ass cover. it was a bit of a trip to read, the way in which hercule poirot moves through the world and I can’t do anything but picture steve martin trying to say ‘hamburger’ again and again. (Funerals are Fatal)
  2. i’ve got my feet curled up by my side, the cotton socks and the dirty jeans a sign of how little i care for myself. I had to put on dirty jeans today, because i haven’t done my own laundry in a long damn time. good thing i work in dirt. that’s all I’m saying.
  3. i was part of a writing group this weekend and I’m glad about that. It felt really nice and nourishing to have people around my kitchen table, and i really do love people, all my introversion aside.
  4. people are truly fascinating, even when they are boring or totally fucked up. (noone was totally fucked up this weekend, i swear, or boring)
  5. we’re all pretty fucked up. there’s so much goddamned fear out there. its tough to get through the day without bumping into someone’s fear and anger.
  6. i’ve got an empty package of ‘candy kittens’, mango flavored gummies that I ate the other day. the wrapper still here. I want to say i used it as a bookmark but i think i might be lying and its just trash lying around my house.
  7. a mug of tepid coffee, reheated to try and get the chill out of my bones. this spring weather shit can just kiss my ass. its ‘almost’ worse than winter. my toes get wet, its windy, raw. the mess is seething. the world is burgeoning. i suppose its the slick gross of afterbirth or something majestic.
  8. fuck. i’m cold.
  9. i am swaddled in cotton, tee shirt, sweatshirt with hood pulled up and over my hat. i am sure i look ridiculous.
  10. I’ve got dinner in the crockpot and it already smells boring and mushy, and i cannot tell you how much i hate not looking forward to eating. maybe i’ll buy us a dozen donuts for dinner.
  11. my daughter’s tablet is here, and the pile of books next to me is topped by the scissors, which are literally never where they should be. today, they are here. They are a pair of willful bastards.
  12. I’m being held up by the pink velvet sofa. And I will always and forever be happy that I picked the two of them up off the side of the road, even if the cat is mauling them mercilessly. bitch. but i love them. hold me, sofa, hold me.

love you. thats my story and yes, i am sticking to it.

-lovelove

Humanity

Sweeps

I’m at a baseball game in the middle of the day. I mean, I guess they are all in the middle of the day. Fair enough.

I spent the morning trying to arrange rides for all the kids. It was successful and everyone is going to have a good time and that makes me feel all glowy, while i feel like shit at the very same minute because I am absent. this is not good. (goddamned school vacation, and all) and then i drove to my mom’s so that she could drive me to work.

Then, at work, I spent the morning walking my boss’s dogs because one of them was having surgery and my boss was feeling crazy stress and worry and so I went with her to the vet.

And now I am here, having gotten my car out of the shop for an insanely large amount of credit card usage. Its another one of those splits. 1.I am thrilled to have my car back and I would throw any amount of debt-incurring at it to have it back. who cares? and 2. I am feeling nauseous about finances.

But i have my car, and i made it to the game to see him play. I’m good. Its all good.

And I’m sitting in my car, looking at the greens and the golds, and the faintest blue of the sky, and being swept with meloncholy. I feel watery.

I don’t see a way out of some of where I find myself, well, not a way that I like.

Sigh. You know what new phrasing has arrived in our american language that I really like?

I am feeling some type of way.

I am.

I am feeling some type of way.

But I have my car, and I made it to the game, and I am sitting in my car doing something I really love to do, write, and think, simultaneously.

So there.

I am going to find a pigpile of joy today, never you fear. But for now? Watery.

Humanity

Beef Stew

I made a nice beef stew this week. What? Kate cooked while the kids were away, and it didn’t involve eggs?! Why yes, yes I did.

Can you tell I’ve been quiet for too long today? Yes, maybe. Third person referencing is a sure sign.

But I did make a nice stew, with tips from cheffy friends, (bakers’ chocolate? oh yes.) and I took it down to my father-in-law, who is in grief and is feeling isolated. I cooked the beef in a bone broth and the nourishment is off the charts. His children call and visit beautifully, but in-between, he is not having visitors regularly and the house is echoing. I can understand. Part of the reason for my visit is that the kids are gone, I have too much time, and I know his son is away for the weekend. (with the same kids I’m missing). The sheer isolation is enough to make life warp strangely.

God, it is hard to grieve. So damn hard. How to incorporate these prickles of loss, joy, -with appreciation, love, self-reflections on our own mortality, a life reflected upon, memories of earliest life, and latest, all the temperatures mix and all at one single minute and then you are left on a ravaged beach after a tsunami. not even ready to look at the remains.

just blank.

and it happens over and over again.

I needed a very strong hug after the visit. I made it happen.

I think I need another one today. Maybe I can finagle one from my flower farm boss. I think she’s not a fan of the hugging though. I’ll go hug the guy at the quickie mart, give him a story to tell.

Its how I roll.

Love love, hug your people out there. Hug them good.

-me

Humanity

Sinking feeling.

i’ve forgotten my antidepressants for two days. (just as an fyi) Took a late dose today because I’ve started falling off the path into past losses. I even spent a minute resenting that married guy I liked so much who neglected to tell me that he was married. men can really be assholish. I know its gender fluid, that assholish-ery, but I stand by my sentence, as the body of my experience is with male assholes.

my former mother inlaw is in the hospital again, and i’ve been told now, for the third time, that she just has a little bit of time left.

She’s one of my oldest friends. I met her when I was fifteen and loved her even then, and never stopped. I will miss her terribly. I admire her so. I do not envy her children, because they really don’t know what is in store for them, despite all the assurances that they do. maybe they are in fact, different from the rest of us. time will tell i guess.

i don’t like writing bullshit like that there, but feel the need to leave it because i know how common that attitude is in me, full of resentment and past bullshittery…. just so you see me as I am.

Bullshit it is, because grief and how you feel it is yours, and yours alone and i have no right to fling my own ego on this situation.

its going to be a large loss, and we will all feel it.

I’m making cookies. Plain old chocolate chip. Enough to fill the cookie jar and more.

I’ll get through, changed, but through.

love you all.

-kate

Humanity

I like being busy.

I know. Its with a certain amount of chagrin that I say this, knowing how I’ve been complaining these past few weeks.

My projects wrapped up. and while there is a tiny thing I could do, I’m finding myself utterly at a loss and swept away by emotions. I do blame perimenopause for some of it, yes, but not all.

working for myself, at home, is not an easy gig.

i’m thinking i might go binge on the walking dead, because i can hide from the gratuitous gore and just hang on to the mystery of who is going to survive or what will ever cause things to get better. (i’m on season six somewhere so don’t say a word.)

the kids are also away this weekend and i’ve had them for the past two, so there is this gaping maw sensation. I’ve got some entertainment in my social life these days but i’m thinking i’m going to take the weekend off from that too. and so, its just me, and tv.

never fear. i’ve got a crockpot going and have fed the chickens and things look normal from the outside. but still. this month. tsk.

Its nice to think about cooking good food. I’ve been assigned brussel sprouts and butternut. Plus, mashed potatoes. All will be well. I can actually just live on those, anyhow, so we’re good.

love you guys. hope your search for food will be fulfilled.

-lovelove

My ladies, of Flying Carrot Farm