Humanity

Drastic Times, and shoes on the wrong feet.

Okay. I did it. I cancelled my two dating apps and I am absolutely jonesing for the ping of the phone. JONESING.

the ways in which the random ping can make you think of possibility and romance and dreamy? Oh. yes, sex and titillation, it is all in there. and perhaps i’ve been needing the dopamine hit of a like, a shot of ‘what if?’ once and again.

i’ve been telling myself i can go back to it whenever i want, no pressure. but i’ve already noticed i’ve been less attached to the phone.

honestly, i need some quiet time. the kids were here with me in a way that felt like every day all day and we managed and now they go to school this coming tuesday and my brain is feeling cluttered. very cluttered, as if i haven’t done a sweep in a week, and the dust bunnies and hairdevils are taking over, the world blurry with softness that still manages to be disgusting.

blech.

i’m out of mac and cheese, if you can believe that. i haven’t done a big shop in a million hours. MAC AND CHEESE? HOLY GOD.

i feel like shaving my head. (only kind-of kidding.)

I feel like a wild stallion locked up.

and also, in a rush, i feel like i’ve got to do something fast, or i’ll just repeat all the things i’ve repeated before. you know?

dissatisfaction. the hindrance of the cockeyed feet.

in my head i’m calling people cocksuckers a lot. i’ve also had the kids today for ten days straight with no break and so i think i need a literal quiet moment and also a much larger reorganization of my entire life.

fantastic.

no problem.

win.

gar.

love love,

me.

brown and white stallions running in a field
Pent up no more. . . Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Humanity

Today and then Tomorrow.

My best friend arrives tomorrow.

Haven’t seen her in eight years. She flew here when my dad had his heart attack and helped us with the decision to let him go. She’s a nurse and just the whole world for me as best friends go. I met her when we worked in the same store in Key West. She was my boss. She was the first person I knew in her thirties who still seemed cool. (oh boy, i was young.) She still seems cool and its been twenty something years.

and she knows everything i’m about to type because i’ve already told her.

-i’m scared she’s going to not like me. (ten minutes after i set out for the airport, this will go away.)

-i’m scared I’ll forget to feed her again and she will think i mean something by it. (past event. i am soooo clueless sometimes. oh my god.) in truth, i don’t think that will ever happen again because it was so scarring.

-our plans include lots of tv, a beach, plenty of boxes or bags of candy, some alcohol, maybe a pack of cigarettes and i might make her visit a mansion in newport, and maybe have dinner out somewhere.

-and thats it, i mean, really, thats the whole and all of what i can think about right now. dither tither to and fro and all that mumble jumble.

-also, did i mention that the kids are away for the first four days of her visit?

heh heh heh. hopefully we will not end up on a police blotter.

OH MY GOD, I AM SO EXCITED.

kiss kiss, mwah.

-me.

photo of girl carrying her sister
Here we are as children, when we didn’t know each other and were slightly more Asian. . . I’m the one in red, but the color suits her better than me. Photo by Migs Reyes on Pexels.com
Humanity

Sweeping Realizations

I’m serious.

The realizations have been sweeping over me like a summer thunderstorm.

  1. Most men out there don’t deserve me. Couldn’t handle me. And that is the truth. I’m a genuine, bonified friend, and I focus on other people most of the time. And I don’t know what people are looking for, except not that, from me. I love hard and deeply and fast, and then need to be reassured that it is reciprocated. If I can’t find myself reassured, I will make up stories to tell myself I’ve made a mistake again, and should withdraw. That’s my story, that’s my pattern.
  2. We had a good shot at recognizing the power of the little people in this pandemic. There was a long, hot moment where we all recognized that it was the grocery store workers and the delivery drivers that were keeping us afloat. The small businesses that completely upended their way of doing things to satisfy the new status quo. They saved us, kept us going. (not amazon itself, but the truck drivers. see the difference?)
  3. If i had all the money in the world I would not spend millions on a amusement park ride to the edge of the atmosphere. I guess I’m just built that way. Its not glorious, but it is true.
  4. I don’t care about a lot of this mask bullshit. I’m fine with having my kids wear them. I’ll wear them. Whatever. Call me a sheep or an educated person, whatever. I just don’t care that much. If i am misguided? I don’t fucking care. The merest hint that it might help someone else? Yeah, I’m going to wear a fucking mask. Sometimes I wear one just to keep my 8 year old company. Yeah, you heard me.
  5. I’m not very financially sound. I feel this. Yet i have all this money coming in that I am given by the court system. So I can not complain, but I really feel the insecurity of it, still depending on someone else. It is not aligned with who I am. Yes, I am working on it, but I am not working on it to my satisfaction, so there is that.
  6. I’m never going to try eggplant. I told someone at my farmstand job that i just needed to grow up and try to cook it to my satisfaction. I realized this week that I was lying. I hate eggplant. I see no reason to change my mind about this. I can eat carrots, and zucchini all the livelong day, and be completely fine. Fuck growing up and eating eggplant. WHY? WHY?
  7. I do love doing what I want, not looking like everyone else and not giving a flying fuck. except when I hate it, and wish for all the opposite thing fruitlessly. Its amazing how sharp a swing it is. At least now I’m only dealing with perimenopause and not puberty. (can you feel the sweaty sarcasm dripping there? Let it be known, I am dropping all sorts of shit as soon as I hit 60. I swear it. As long as I don’t need to medicate to deal with the consequences of my actions, I am done. And i’m smoking again when I hit 70. that too. fuck it. )

So thats my story. I am still procrastinating. I had a whole day this week when it was intensely hot and I just lay on my sofa (after doing yard stuff and roof stuff) and moaned. I swear to god. I didn’t even open the project, even once. I am totally screwed. utterly.)

AND YET.

8. I’m an optimist. Despite all of it, I still think its going to turn out allright. I can get it done. I will find or bump into someone who does deserve me and I will recognize it and not freak out.

love you guys,

really do.

  • me.

Humanity

Swoops

My moods are so erratic lately. I’m fine, I am, and when my moods shift, I’m able to watch them while experiencing them. its a little surreal, actually.

I dropped my kid off to camp and haven’t heard from him in five days. This is as it should be, but my god. Its phantom pain, I know, the missing limb calling to me from his barefooted happy place.

my sixteen year old applied for his permit to drive. it was blocked because my license was expired and the birth certificate was not original. So, as far as he is concerned, it was all me. Believe me, I feel the guilt.

I did a great job in a weekend of driving, seeing places that were stunning in their beauty and their role in my past, and driving to greataunts and uncles and cousins and then some more driving. I only made one kid nauseous, once.

I did yoga this morning and for the first time ever, was probably the youngest there. there was a great deal of focus on ‘i am.’ and i’m into that, and lost about it sometimes. it still kicked my ass and is making me a little grumpy.

And my mood on this rainy day makes me want to go into a dark cool cave and sit with my nose to the stone, shutting it all down somehow. I’m feeling overstimulated.

I had my tarot read for me when I got back from my trip, and her first question was, ‘are you very tired?’ and i laughed and laughed until it went crazy sideways. a doozy. I really liked her ways, I know her in person happily but i do, i do, i recommend her highly to anyone who feels like a virtual reading, you can do google meet so you can see her face, or you can do it over the phone. your call, lovelies. You can find her at http://joannakessling.com and on instagram at @paper.birchtarot Have at it. What I find, is that what comes up in cards and in questions, is what i’m already thinking of. Its not magic, (unless you want it to be) … its just reminders, and reminders are necessary. Like, bat-to-the-head necessary.

like, kate, take care of yourself. just baby steps. and remember you’re a goddamn joy bubble. anyone who doesn’t like it can take a flying leap. (um, joanna didn’t say that. but i did.)

heh.

love you. i figure this once a week thing might stay through til the kids go back to school. just the way it is.

love you, love you.

kate

nature people woman sun
Tarot decks are all different. This one is animals, the one Joanna used had people… Its all just reminders, dudes. Take it how you want to… Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com
Humanity

Nibbles

i do what i can to take care of myself lately. i’m only talking to people i like and i am not looking at a dating site. (now that i’ve typed it, i’ll probably look tonight, goddamnit)

i’m trying to go to yoga twice a week, i’m taking my vitamins.

i’m making sure to water the plants and i’m even using fertilizer this year, which i’ve never been willing to do because i’m all ‘nature should be untouched’ and all that shit.

we’re still not going to the beach very much. two redheads you know. they don’t really want to, and i would have to start drinking if i spent a full day in the sun now. and that sounds gross to me.

i send a letter occasionally.

i’ve figured out a way to get air conditioning on the entire bedroom set. it involves several pushpins and a sheet hanging from the ceiling. we will see. the truth is, i think i sleep better without it. it seems to be giving me headaches. what a bitch.

i’m taking my kid to camp for three weeks this weekend. i will be more fragile than i think. or, as fragile as i think. there will be a lot of driving and my older teenager has completely opted out to stay with friends for two nights, and someone is coming to watch the dogs and release the chickens!! (you have to yell that, right there, as in RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!)

there are a few moving parts. i’m taking my youngest to visit with two of her great aunts and their husbands, greatuncles too, and we’re going to a fabulous garden on the coast. maine has a whole damn lot of connection and visitation spots, as its where both my parents were born and raised. I wonder if i should visit some grave sites… it might freak my daughter out, and i don’t think the dead will notice. hm.

i had a job this week and it felt pretty damn good to have my wednesday all filled up. I purposefully cleared these past three weeks to spend time with kids before camp. and then it was cloudy and humid and rainy in a million ways. and too much screentime for us all. so it was less than ideal and i’m thrilled that my kid goes to camp for three weeks screen free.

i’ll have more work next week and I’m hoping structure will help me give us more activity. we’ll see.

first i’ve got to leave a kid in a place that makes him supremely happy and makes me feel like i have a hole in my heart.

i’ll be fine. i will.

remind me he needs a flashlight. okay?

allright. glad i’m writing? HA! a bunch of nibbles for you. I’m thinking a lot. I’m looking forward to when it starts spilling out onto a keyboard. its been a good time, believe it or not.

love you,

kate

person holding flashlight during nighttime
BUY A FLASHLIGHT, GODDAMNIT. TIME IS RUNNING OUT. Photo by Wendelin Jacober on Pexels.com