Tag: love

Humanity

Allright, hold on.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I did some writing yesterday, about how I don’t really let go of things. There were pieces of it that were downright beautiful, and that was a real delight. I’m sure I’ll share it eventually. It was a little bit storytelling and a little bit metaphor and a little bit imaginative. but tangibly imaginative, if that makes sense. Things dirty and worn, and dragging on the ground.

It was a snowfall, a quiet one, and I’m really glad I had it.

My college-aged son went back to school yesterday too, and everything feels off again. This time, I know it’ll reset back to me and the two, and our ‘just fine-ness’, but there is a gentle tearing, as we perforate. It was so good and heartwarming to have him home. It is a change of many relationships to be getting used to letting him go.

When was the last time you called your parent’s home yours? I’m feeling my age when I think about how many years that has been, and where i have been all that time.

I’ve got a fire going, and earlier I mostly cleaned off the kitchen table to use the candle holder that i love. the shape is thrilling and I suppose is probably resonant of Naruto, the anime my kids loved for so damn long. Or maybe you want to say its Nordic? Maybe that’s classier, I don’t know anymore. As my kids say about everything, that’s racist, and I think they may be right, most of the time, even though they think everything is a joke.

I’ve broken the charger on this laptop, inside of the laptop somehow, so now I’ve got to figure out the whole world of hardware vs. software and do a backup while i wait to get it fixed. For now, I’m just waiting for an appointment, and for the battery to die, both. Somehow it seems meaningful, to invest in my typing machine. Also, I may have to look into how I treat my tools, because it is broken because I stepped on it, because I store it on the floor. And what is that?! ??

Sigh.

i love you much.

-me

Humanity

pneumonia

Lovelovemotherexpletive

i missed two thanksgivings. one of which i was supposed to host, and had spent hours getting ready for. furniture moved, rug purchased, rugs cleaned… I’d even been writing about what it means, how much it means for me to be a host, to be a table upon which sustenance is served.

but no. instead, i host (still) a withering soul-destroying cough, granny panties for all the pee, and a fixed need to look into the colors of my own mucous.

i deeply missed seeing my family. touchstone moments for me, these yearly traditions, set me aright in identity and history. Too much of my own mortality at stake in not having these sightings and sit downs. Found myself enraged and trying to figure out how to be present there without anyone seeing me. Sent five dishes of food, much help if not all help given by the lovely bob. So many sighs.

dirty dishes heaped in kitchen sink
Photo by Gary Barnes on Pexels.com

And now I’m sitting here, back on the sofa, feet curled up and a few books read. Not read well, mind you, because i’m not entirely connected to my brain. Somehow ‘Gift from the Sea’ showed up on the floor nearby and so I’ve broached it yet again, and the slow down is immediate. And the withdrawal from the phone, and the recognition of how my brain is changing with all this immediacy of interplay that the phone gives. It is a mindlessness. And there is a part of me that is actually gravely concerned that I really do need to give it up in order to maintain my personality, the enjoyment of the ways in which my brain hops and sizzles on the skillet.

It takes me away from the slow, pulls me into a here-and-now that is somewhere else. If I need to stare out the window for ten minutes, can I do this without reaching for the phone to tell someone or to check something that occurs to me? I’m not being overly dramatic when I say it is changing something in me. And I’m not a fan.

And i’m done now, here. for today. I’ve got some reading to do. and maybe a little thinking, maybe some random staring. I’d wink at you if you were here.

love you much, shout out from the sick bed,

Kate

Humanity

My youngest is 11.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’m tired of writing facts. This is going on. That is going on. I want to write dapple and splinters of silverfish at my feet when the waters come in.

bubbles of joy and overwhelm that fizzle and steam and lift, depending on the day.

the rush of the heart against the ribcage when the tears rise, a wild irrational thrust towards escape

cold fingers typing, calloused hands barely registering on touch screens these days. i may as well have lifeless clay in digit form. but then again, i do not. there is life in this clay, and i’m in reformation mode again.

(at times anyways, because sometimes i am also too much with my couch)

the heartbreak of november is heavy with me. the light itself brings me to tears. the cry of the newly red leaf, the flutter of the gold, as they fall, food for my next year’s garden.

i feel that veil is thin, yes, and it is the grey boundaries between past and future in which i feel myself becoming a flock of birds. the neither here nor there, an inability to be present for it.

clay, sodden ground, mud and how much value do i put on a clean shoe anyhow?

there is so much going on, and nothing. and i love you, and i’ll see you soon.

-kate

Humanity

what i learned in vegas.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Spent five days in Vegas, no kids and a lovely bf.

  1. what happens in vegas stays in vegas.
    yep, because there should be a wall put around the area and all the money and greed and waste and environmental ignorance should be encapsulated, so that the rest of the world can go on and on without any of that. Lets move trump’s mexico wall to nevada?
  2. the world of human creativity is alive and well, my faith in human goodness and magic is restored. the engineering feats? the lighting technicians who found their niche? the armies of cleaning people in the mornings? the ways in which an entire civilization has been built where no people can survive? Astonishing. I was constantly astonished. Look up, look down, its everywhere.
  3. Addendum to 2: I saw two Cirque de Soleil shows, Love and Ka. And I cried because my heart was so full of the majesty of humanity.
  4. the scenery of the cowboy movies is real, and that blew out the walls of my small world, and i’m better for it. buttes, bluffs, red rocks at sunset, all just outside the city limits, visible from my hotel room in the Fremont area.
  5. i love moscow mules. probably way too much. way.
  6. drag show humor is one of those things that restores my faith in humanity. i laughed so much, and loved those beautiful performers and their catty ways. It should be required for everyone to watch one, every year, like a thanksgiving dinner, good for the soul.

AND. I haven’t even told you about my sister’s wedding yet, at which there was a QUEEN, but not in drag. That body was 100% booming, and 100% hers. I’ll fill you in next time. I haven’t even had a chance to talk to my sister about it yet. But holy love fest, guys. HOLY LOVEFEST.

Chihuly ceiling at the Bellagio. A flipping ceiling.
Humanity

wedding week

Lovelovemotherexpletive

My sister is getting married this coming weekend. I’m so excited I can’t focus. (or is it the covid?) I can’t stop wandering around the house doing tiny inconsequential tasks that are filling up my time. I’ve got a heavy load in trying to make a tiny speech for the wedding and I’m filled up with memories of my dad and all the joy that there is in this situation. just filled up. and its spilling over and out and all around. who knows what will happen.

last time i talked to her about wedding stuff i was stunned to realize i was walking down the aisle. now there is something i have only ever done once, and in quite a different capacity. I’ve never been in a wedding before! I mean, bride doesn’t count at all in this instance and I’m feeling all dancey inside. Walking down before my sister?! what a crazy bit of wonder! THE BRIDE?! Holy smokes.

I really am this excited folks and no matter what i do or say, nothing is going to get in the way of this awesome new couple entering the world hand in hand.

So, wish me well, but even if i give a toast in Klingon or fall on my ass, there is nothing more gorgeous than ANNE AND STAN.

Raise your glass!!
LOVE LOVE.

-kate

bokeh effect
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com