Humanity

December Deservings

Do you have problems buying during this time? I do. All of the things that I slightly crave during the year are suddenly on sale and suddenly in front of my social media eyes on the daily. Its so easy just to click. I find it hard to not compulsively buy things. And because there is a massive buy on the part of the kids, and i don’t have presents under the tree unless my siblings and mother are here, sometimes i think i am ‘owed’.

the combo can be problematic. SAVINGS! CRAVINGS! RESENTMENT! DESERVING! THERAPY!!MAKE ME FEEL GOOD WITH THE SHINY THING!LETS CHANGE EVERYTHING WITH A NEW SWEATER!!

This year I am countering the impulse with the knowledge that many of my friends and neighbors are actually suffering. Marriages are strained and worse, jobs are scarce and there are kids that will not have what they need this year for food, forget presents. So I gave a part of my ‘covid’ payment to the Woman’s Shelter and I’ve given more to foster families, and mentorship programs, and veteran’s coat drives and the food banks and all these little bits are better than feeling pinched because my kid has another pair of leggings.

I don’t think its enough, and I hope its helped a little. If you are not dead, you know where to give your money, if you have it.

Please do that.

Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO: TwentySEVEN. Education

What have you learned this week?

  1. My mom likes me, doesn’t always get me but loves me anyhow.
  2. Sometimes i am too quick.
  3. You CAN eat too many mushrooms.
  4. Its hard to stay up til midnight waiting to see if you can get a ps5. I don’t have the stamina and I don’t care and $500 is a fuckton of money for videogames. He’s going to get a blanket and and IOU for Christmas. Are people really nonchalant about $500? I’m not feeling nonchalant and I’m glad I couldn’t find it, but don’t tell him. I’d be happy to spread the cost out over another month. I’m not proud of this sharing, as I think I basically don’t want to buy this thing, and am anyhow. This is complicated and look how stupidly lucky I am to hem and haw over it.
  5. I need help this Christmas. Not with money, but with thought. The kids will have significantly less under the tree because we will have no guests, and so the mom in me is trying hard to envision ways to make it special. They have an unwrapping day at their dads the day before, so I’m already playing catchup and fill in the blanks here. I’m feeling overly ‘singlemom’ about this. How do I make magic??
  6. Every year I kindof think I will do something on Black Friday but every year I stay in my pajamas. and this year? Jesus. of course I’m home.
  7. Christmas crackers? Those British cylinders of goodness that whacko Americans are co-opting for some holiday pleasure? They are called crackers because they make noise. Deafie here never knew. Always wondered but never knew. Learning curves are dizzying.
  8. Pajamas with the addition of my apple dress for warmth mean I look entirely nutso. I think I’m going to go hang out on the porch with a martini glass and just shoot the shit with the birds. Glass will be empty because I don’t really drink and my god, its the morning, and really, martinis have made me vomit in the past. I just want to entertain the neighbors driving by. I’m generous like that.
  9. I can’t always access my inner life. Like, that golden bit in the middle? I’m working on it, honestly, but half-heartedly at the same time, because it can be overwhelming to be in touch with it. Burning bush, right? Doesn’t actually sound that appealing, does it?
  10. I love puzzles. I do. I forget they exist, all the time, even when the puzzle table is just three feet away. But when I remember them, I have to fight myself not to do them all in one sitting. This one, currently, is my littlest’s, and finishing it would be flat-out cruel. But I want to, and I’m perseverating on it. Damn devil of a thing.

Thats all, these are the things I am learning, have learned, am in the process of sharing, with you, who are also learning.

Sigh. What have you learned, my troops? What have you learned today, this week?

Apple dress. Clearly not feeling vain today. (omg)
Humanity

Do you still dream of escape?

I have been, lately. I think that suddenly doing the quarantine singly has thrown me back in time a little. I did this dreaming when the kids were little, when the marriage was sucking me dry and not giving me anything in return. I was thirsting for something, and my dreams of escape were daily and full of despair. I was just drowning, all the time, and the shore seemed like heaven.

I’m back to dreaming of escape. My only resource, really, is this house and the equity I will have in it when the kids are grown. So, it’ll be for sale. No home for the grandkids here. Which fills me with all sorts of sadness of the future grief sort. Not to mention the weight of an imagined future grief of the kids.

And its not the same kind of escape as before. Its not an escape because my life is horrendous. Its an escape because of circumstance, and change. And that’s an entire world, you dig?

I don’t know what will happen. I don’t envision finding a partner who wants to take on the financial burden of this place, even if I got the mortgage down to a reasonable rate. Hello, quarantine/reopeningbedamned makes it pretty unlikely i’m going to be making plans of any kind for a while. (good and bad here. patience is a lesson I am always learning.)

AND, I also want to allow that my kids will be fine, that they may not have kids, might not need me to have a net for them for the rest of their lives, as much as I want to spend the rest of my life providing one. Imagining the weight of future grief doesn’t seem like the best use of my life’s moments.

And so I am thinking about what I will do then, when the littlest heads off to college or whathaveyou. Will I buy an RV to live in for the remainder of my days? (nah, probably not)

The idea that I could go anywhere, try anything, be anywhere? Its pretty inspiring. and the reality is slightly scary. Presuming that I don’t have family besides siblings at that point, will I try to get closer to them? Will I head for natural beauty? Will I aim for the small town at the center of every picturesque whitey American novel? With the little community coffee shop bustling with gourmet treats and artistic flair?

Will I just buy a little house and try to stay healthy til I die? I mean, its all the rage to be middle-aged, right? But then comes older than that.

I think I need to widen my angle a little. Maybe I’ll have a real income earning job and I can host lots of ladies here, to rest and rejuvenate and chase chickens for their own betterment. I mean, I could do that too.

There are more possibilities than I know about. I have to keep that in mind, and keep my eyes open. Dreaming of escape without despair? Should be dreamy, right?

Right?

Divorce, Humanity

Pitchfork…

  • into this space please insert all the things i cannot and willnot leave behind for posterity about the many things i feel about the man who I divorced. let that be as powerful as saying I married him. why should i keep valuing one over the other?
  • i’ve got pizza sitting next to me that crisped up in the oven and i’m debating very seriously whether burning the roof of my mouth is worth it.
  • i’m planting things but have zero faith that i will ever get them into the ground because they are so spindly. and i am thrilled that the word ‘spindly’ is still around.
  • plus, how many carrots will my kids eat, realistically?
  • i wish i really drank, like on the regular, so that it was part of my life. isn’t that an absurd wish? now, when stressed or emotionally stretched out, i don’t have an easy fix… or if i do have a glass of wine, i have a headache before i even feel a buzz. so. that seems a miss. but i miss it, that brain shutdown, what we call the fall of ‘inhibitions’ but are really just normally healthy boundaries? i want to shed them more often and still manage to watch out for my kids, as a functioning fucked up adult. Does that make sense?
  •  I am worried that i’m not going to regain my proofreading clients when this is done, and that i’ll be back to a square i don’t want to be on.
  •  I am aware that if I were isolated like this and still married like I was, that I would be one of the people you should be worried about, the isolation and the misery combining to unsafe.
  •  The mental health of all of us in my house right now is becoming my ringadembells item, and i’m just as unhinged as they are, but am the grownup.  I am reminding them that all the feelings are okay and that they all will pass, with time, and that nobody has a ‘right’ way to be. its all i can do, that and feed them.
  • my kids have too much screen time. i’ll care later. i obviously care now, but see item previous item, and include ‘screentime guilt’ on the list of feelings that moms are allowed to have and to let pass.
  •  my eyes constantly fill with tears for and of these kids and these times… sometimes it is overwhelm, and disbelief, and sometimes it is laughter and those are the best times.
  • Pitchfork Unwifedmotherexpletive

 

Humanity

#hashtag (SO.MUCH.RANDOMNESS.)

Hmm. My cousin named her dog #hashtag.  She’s in marketing, and lovely, so she is allowed, and encouraged to do so.

🙂

I’m doing some different things this week, in anticipation of yet another long break from the kids as they go skiing with their dad.  i’m, yes, glad for them. and then. but, whatever.  #sparsebutcomplex

#economicchoices #financialstability #skiadventures #iammoreofalodgebunny anyhow.  I’m too low-class for skiing anyways. I get all whacked out by the money involved in going straight down a slippery hill.  but #realdeal?  Its the jealousy that I can’t do the big trips. But seriously, I AM getting over it.

We will go to the Cape this year, like we’ve done the past few years. And two or three nights will feel like a million dollars. it really will.  #sistersaredoingitforthemselves #nocreditcards!

#andtodayiwrote #forme #notwork .  #wewillseewhatcomesofthis … I’ve got a lovely children’s story in the works. I’d love to see it with illustrations some day. sigh. I’m such an old-school person, so much beauty and peace in a slower style.

Hazelwood photo Unwifedmotherexpletive
Photo by Suzy Hazelwood on Pexels.com

I make lists daily, to achieve any thing at all. everyday i have to put ‘chickens’ on the list or i leave those ladies right where they are which is not at all kind.

and lately, i’ve had to put READ .  because really, this work for yourself #hustle, plus the #stupidityofthephone has KILLED MY READING HABIT.  i mean, SHOCKINGLY. so now, i’m getting back into my own body and it is good.

and i’ve gone to the gym.  (godawful boring, but still. 80s music. so, okay.)

 

LOVE YOU. SORRY FOR THE RANDOM. #SORRYNOTSORRY

awww, love…

uwmf