Humanity

Writing week. Thursday.

I’m sitting at a car repair place again, this time, a dealership, because evidently that is the only way forward. hundreds and hundreds of ways. the man behind the counter is handsome and i’ve already glimpsed at a naked ring finger.

yes, that makes me sick, too. I will not take another step, just sitting my ass down, maybe not facing that direction.

i’m starting to feel a little bit like dating is work. and thats no good. weary and curious cannot exist in the exact same space.

but here i am, in the car repair waiting room. and i smell coffee but can’t find it, and thats maddening. it is not for me? is it not for me?

it was a big day yesterday. I had two ‘very important’ new things. (virtual via zoom, both of them.)

  1. a meeting with a spiritual director. she is an old, virtual friend of mine, though i have actually met her in person and even shared food. she’s finishing a program in spiritually directing people and i am a rambling, distractable seeker. Seeker. yes i am. we talked a lot about how to ritualize some of my daily tasks, imbue them with my feelings about the divine.
  2. a meeting with a potential new therapist. she uses a similar modality to the last therapist I liked, called IFS (Internal Family Systems) which encourages and allows all the different voices we hear in our heads, in our body. For example, the voice which tells me I’m doing just fine with the kids, in contrast to the voice which panics internally any time there is the smallest hitch in their happiness levels. Defensiveness, aggression, shame, pride, all the things are just fine, and working together to protect and defend my inner golden core. I’m good. I don’t need quite as much protection as they think I do, so its a matter of going in, diving down to see what my pieces are doing in there. it suits me very well, and I think we’ll be a match. Its amazing how explaining myself to someone can make me feel shame, and how much that is exactly why I am there.

Go get yourself a therapist. Everyone should have one. Yes, I mean you.

I also had another first date. Will let you know.

The waiting room is playing Sarah Mclachlan. Never fails to make me feel teenaged angst. Hello Dawson, its me… get off my fucking roof. Its not my favorite re-do, I’ll tell you that.

Did I tell you I’m 47? I am. Deeply.

love love,

me. ( i found the coffee!)

toddler wearing floral dress holding doll
This means something. How are you facing things today?
Photo by Саша Лазарев on Pexels.com
Humanity

Sweeping Realizations

I’m serious.

The realizations have been sweeping over me like a summer thunderstorm.

  1. Most men out there don’t deserve me. Couldn’t handle me. And that is the truth. I’m a genuine, bonified friend, and I focus on other people most of the time. And I don’t know what people are looking for, except not that, from me. I love hard and deeply and fast, and then need to be reassured that it is reciprocated. If I can’t find myself reassured, I will make up stories to tell myself I’ve made a mistake again, and should withdraw. That’s my story, that’s my pattern.
  2. We had a good shot at recognizing the power of the little people in this pandemic. There was a long, hot moment where we all recognized that it was the grocery store workers and the delivery drivers that were keeping us afloat. The small businesses that completely upended their way of doing things to satisfy the new status quo. They saved us, kept us going. (not amazon itself, but the truck drivers. see the difference?)
  3. If i had all the money in the world I would not spend millions on a amusement park ride to the edge of the atmosphere. I guess I’m just built that way. Its not glorious, but it is true.
  4. I don’t care about a lot of this mask bullshit. I’m fine with having my kids wear them. I’ll wear them. Whatever. Call me a sheep or an educated person, whatever. I just don’t care that much. If i am misguided? I don’t fucking care. The merest hint that it might help someone else? Yeah, I’m going to wear a fucking mask. Sometimes I wear one just to keep my 8 year old company. Yeah, you heard me.
  5. I’m not very financially sound. I feel this. Yet i have all this money coming in that I am given by the court system. So I can not complain, but I really feel the insecurity of it, still depending on someone else. It is not aligned with who I am. Yes, I am working on it, but I am not working on it to my satisfaction, so there is that.
  6. I’m never going to try eggplant. I told someone at my farmstand job that i just needed to grow up and try to cook it to my satisfaction. I realized this week that I was lying. I hate eggplant. I see no reason to change my mind about this. I can eat carrots, and zucchini all the livelong day, and be completely fine. Fuck growing up and eating eggplant. WHY? WHY?
  7. I do love doing what I want, not looking like everyone else and not giving a flying fuck. except when I hate it, and wish for all the opposite thing fruitlessly. Its amazing how sharp a swing it is. At least now I’m only dealing with perimenopause and not puberty. (can you feel the sweaty sarcasm dripping there? Let it be known, I am dropping all sorts of shit as soon as I hit 60. I swear it. As long as I don’t need to medicate to deal with the consequences of my actions, I am done. And i’m smoking again when I hit 70. that too. fuck it. )

So thats my story. I am still procrastinating. I had a whole day this week when it was intensely hot and I just lay on my sofa (after doing yard stuff and roof stuff) and moaned. I swear to god. I didn’t even open the project, even once. I am totally screwed. utterly.)

AND YET.

8. I’m an optimist. Despite all of it, I still think its going to turn out allright. I can get it done. I will find or bump into someone who does deserve me and I will recognize it and not freak out.

love you guys,

really do.

  • me.

Humanity

Happy, like Pharrell happy.

  1. I’ve got another writing project again and I can kvetch about how its hard to write for hours a day but now I can and I will get paid. I’m very happy about that.
  2. I’m already procrastinating about said job and am going to take a bath today while it rains on my garden which is going to explode. I’m so very happy about that.
  3. I’m thinking the rain will cancel both baseball and lacrosse and everyone will be home for a real honest-to-god sit down dinner and I might even break out the placemats. I’m wildly ecstatic. (crazy rare right now)
  4. The rain. Let it rain. rain. rain. farmers are dancing all over right now. dancing. Their joy will feed us!
  5. I took the sweatshirts off the line before the rain came. While everything around me might be falling down? Dry sweatshirts and a victory are pretty damn satisfying. (small things are breaking, just small ones. no worries.)
  6. Still haven’t completed my taxes but I’m feeling great that they are finally underway. Productivity and accomplishment are coming! I’m quite pleased.
  7. This is the kind of rain that will end in rainbows. And i’m wildly happy about my life, that I know this.
  8. I have a chicken who refuses to sleep in the coop and she lays her eggs in the shed. She has survived so far, and I think she might believe herself to be a rooster. I’m thrilled for her. I have no idea where she/he lays his/her head at night. Whatever it takes.
  9. I can sit and type and look out at the rain. And this is part of my work. To let my brain wander and fill in characters and wander back again to the page. How could anything be better? (delirious.)
  10. School is out in a day and a half. I’m a little nervous, but also feel like a pro at this point. I’ve already heard the ‘its so boring, we have to do something fun every day’ pitch and it is a little bit panicky to hear it before school even ends, but damnit, they say every summer is the best summer ever, every year, so I must be doing something less than horrible. And I’m clutching to the joys of corn on the cob and kids happily playing with friends. Clutching to Joy. (my next book. HA! WHITE KNUCKLED GRASP OF JOY!)

love you,

me.

Pharrell* If you don’t know what this is, for goodness sakes. Do it now.

Humanity

The internet is telling me.

Or, what the algorithm thinks I need, want, will buy.

  1. I need a new swimsuit. I do. Curvy gurls all over need suits that are high-waisted, off the shoulder, or possibly one shouldered. Every day, a million ads. One million.
  2. I need to refinance. I do. All I need to do is enter my zipcode and I’ll take advantage of a program Obama set up. A while back it was set up by Trump, but times have changed. Good on those changing the algorithms.
  3. I need solar. I do. and it will be no-cost, because this is America, and that is highly likely.
  4. I need another swimsuit.
  5. I need one of those meal plans, because my kids should eat more than burgers and hot dogs for the next three months, evidently. the heat and i do not work well together for food production. meal plans! food in a box on the porch! insanity!
  6. I need a lot of art for the wall. I do. At least its not the paint-by-numbers anymore. (which, believe me, i coveted for a while) ART! FOR THE WALLS! TO LOOK AT!
  7. I need to assess my changing hormones and take a pill. I do. Maybe a face cream? Or an exercise that they can’t tell me about in the ad because it is so secret?
  8. I need help sleeping, and should take a squishy vitamin. I do. Its pink. How ’bout that?
  9. OOOh. New glasses. With clipons. I need those. I do.
  10. Huh. Go figure. They think I need to cut my caffeine. I do. But I’m sufficiently spooked, and will make another pot of tea that I didn’t buy on the internet. I went to a real store for it. Did I break an algorithm? Where do the algorithms go?

Sigh.

Beautiful day here, outside, off the internets.

Love love,

kate

Beach stone, off the grid.
Humanity

Two things I’m stuck on. Questions.

  1. Cynthia Lee asked, “what are your non-negotiables?”
  2. Anna Lovind asked, “If you could have a miracle, right now, what would it be?”

It shouldn’t be as hard as I’m finding it, to make an answer to either of these questions. Is my imagination dead? Am I truly as world-weary as I feel somedays? I had thought I was exaggerating to myself.

I’m assuming that the miracle has to be beyond ‘world peace’ or ‘i wish the first plastic had all been truly biodegradable.’

So, as far as the miracle goes, a first thought of money arrives. But how much? Is that a miracle really? Then I go to a healthy supportive loving partner, an actual partner, someone to yin and yang with so I can feel part of something and interwoven into things a bit more. I’d love to love someone and have them be delighted by me. That would be pretty miraculous. I’d still have to deal with myself, but man, I mean, that is something when you have it. I didn’t in marriage, but I did with the old boyfriend LM. So, I know how it can feel. And I think that would be pretty miraculous, right?

And then, Cynthia’s question: non-negotiables.

What do I consider non-negotiable in my day?

I need space, I need quiet. I need beauty. I need time to stare out the window. I need to recognize beauty in all the things. I do say writing, yes, I do need that. Without the outlet, my brain is too busy with desperate housewife depravity. (This is a thing) Most of the time my brain is full of shit, and the good stuff needs a little shuffle to come forward. The writing allows me to stir the pot of my psyche, and that’s good for all involved. still waters are only ever a mask.

So- what I need in my day, non-negotiable.

  • writing
  • Is there something wrong if I can’t come up with something else? I mean, I could give a toss for food, if i had to go without, i’d survive. space and quiet are things i have only gotten lately, so i know i can live without those. i stargaze and windowgaze all the time, I’m good with days off, but what? What else? Can I start with just one? Can I spend the rest of the days thinking about what is negotiable? It seems I’m already off on that tangent. God bless the flow, the freaking schizophrenic flow.

Sigh. Think about it. Are your answers fast and furious? Where do you end up?

love love,

me.

person doing peace sign hand gesture
Dudes. Fingers up. Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com