Humanity

Happy, like Pharrell happy.

  1. I’ve got another writing project again and I can kvetch about how its hard to write for hours a day but now I can and I will get paid. I’m very happy about that.
  2. I’m already procrastinating about said job and am going to take a bath today while it rains on my garden which is going to explode. I’m so very happy about that.
  3. I’m thinking the rain will cancel both baseball and lacrosse and everyone will be home for a real honest-to-god sit down dinner and I might even break out the placemats. I’m wildly ecstatic. (crazy rare right now)
  4. The rain. Let it rain. rain. rain. farmers are dancing all over right now. dancing. Their joy will feed us!
  5. I took the sweatshirts off the line before the rain came. While everything around me might be falling down? Dry sweatshirts and a victory are pretty damn satisfying. (small things are breaking, just small ones. no worries.)
  6. Still haven’t completed my taxes but I’m feeling great that they are finally underway. Productivity and accomplishment are coming! I’m quite pleased.
  7. This is the kind of rain that will end in rainbows. And i’m wildly happy about my life, that I know this.
  8. I have a chicken who refuses to sleep in the coop and she lays her eggs in the shed. She has survived so far, and I think she might believe herself to be a rooster. I’m thrilled for her. I have no idea where she/he lays his/her head at night. Whatever it takes.
  9. I can sit and type and look out at the rain. And this is part of my work. To let my brain wander and fill in characters and wander back again to the page. How could anything be better? (delirious.)
  10. School is out in a day and a half. I’m a little nervous, but also feel like a pro at this point. I’ve already heard the ‘its so boring, we have to do something fun every day’ pitch and it is a little bit panicky to hear it before school even ends, but damnit, they say every summer is the best summer ever, every year, so I must be doing something less than horrible. And I’m clutching to the joys of corn on the cob and kids happily playing with friends. Clutching to Joy. (my next book. HA! WHITE KNUCKLED GRASP OF JOY!)

love you,

me.

Pharrell* If you don’t know what this is, for goodness sakes. Do it now.

Humanity

The internet is telling me.

Or, what the algorithm thinks I need, want, will buy.

  1. I need a new swimsuit. I do. Curvy gurls all over need suits that are high-waisted, off the shoulder, or possibly one shouldered. Every day, a million ads. One million.
  2. I need to refinance. I do. All I need to do is enter my zipcode and I’ll take advantage of a program Obama set up. A while back it was set up by Trump, but times have changed. Good on those changing the algorithms.
  3. I need solar. I do. and it will be no-cost, because this is America, and that is highly likely.
  4. I need another swimsuit.
  5. I need one of those meal plans, because my kids should eat more than burgers and hot dogs for the next three months, evidently. the heat and i do not work well together for food production. meal plans! food in a box on the porch! insanity!
  6. I need a lot of art for the wall. I do. At least its not the paint-by-numbers anymore. (which, believe me, i coveted for a while) ART! FOR THE WALLS! TO LOOK AT!
  7. I need to assess my changing hormones and take a pill. I do. Maybe a face cream? Or an exercise that they can’t tell me about in the ad because it is so secret?
  8. I need help sleeping, and should take a squishy vitamin. I do. Its pink. How ’bout that?
  9. OOOh. New glasses. With clipons. I need those. I do.
  10. Huh. Go figure. They think I need to cut my caffeine. I do. But I’m sufficiently spooked, and will make another pot of tea that I didn’t buy on the internet. I went to a real store for it. Did I break an algorithm? Where do the algorithms go?

Sigh.

Beautiful day here, outside, off the internets.

Love love,

kate

Beach stone, off the grid.
Humanity

Two things I’m stuck on. Questions.

  1. Cynthia Lee asked, “what are your non-negotiables?”
  2. Anna Lovind asked, “If you could have a miracle, right now, what would it be?”

It shouldn’t be as hard as I’m finding it, to make an answer to either of these questions. Is my imagination dead? Am I truly as world-weary as I feel somedays? I had thought I was exaggerating to myself.

I’m assuming that the miracle has to be beyond ‘world peace’ or ‘i wish the first plastic had all been truly biodegradable.’

So, as far as the miracle goes, a first thought of money arrives. But how much? Is that a miracle really? Then I go to a healthy supportive loving partner, an actual partner, someone to yin and yang with so I can feel part of something and interwoven into things a bit more. I’d love to love someone and have them be delighted by me. That would be pretty miraculous. I’d still have to deal with myself, but man, I mean, that is something when you have it. I didn’t in marriage, but I did with the old boyfriend LM. So, I know how it can feel. And I think that would be pretty miraculous, right?

And then, Cynthia’s question: non-negotiables.

What do I consider non-negotiable in my day?

I need space, I need quiet. I need beauty. I need time to stare out the window. I need to recognize beauty in all the things. I do say writing, yes, I do need that. Without the outlet, my brain is too busy with desperate housewife depravity. (This is a thing) Most of the time my brain is full of shit, and the good stuff needs a little shuffle to come forward. The writing allows me to stir the pot of my psyche, and that’s good for all involved. still waters are only ever a mask.

So- what I need in my day, non-negotiable.

  • writing
  • Is there something wrong if I can’t come up with something else? I mean, I could give a toss for food, if i had to go without, i’d survive. space and quiet are things i have only gotten lately, so i know i can live without those. i stargaze and windowgaze all the time, I’m good with days off, but what? What else? Can I start with just one? Can I spend the rest of the days thinking about what is negotiable? It seems I’m already off on that tangent. God bless the flow, the freaking schizophrenic flow.

Sigh. Think about it. Are your answers fast and furious? Where do you end up?

love love,

me.

person doing peace sign hand gesture
Dudes. Fingers up. Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com
Humanity

in which i call bullshit on myself.


It is what it is.

I’m a pleaser. I want the people around me to be happy. I want to smooth their way forward in life. I want to leave behind a satisfied grin. I want to be the hidden favorite, the one who brings a smile. the generous one. the good one.

After I do this pleasing, smoothing thing for a while, with adults, I feel the ting and tang of loss. What have I been given, for all that giving? Have they just taken it all and run? what do they know of me?

You know what? This cycle doesn’t really do me a lot of good. It’s gross. You ever hear of a male artist who spent his free time smoothing the way for others? No? You don’t think Hemingway gave a shit if the kitchen counters were clean do you? You think he gave a shit for anything besides his beer and his next adventure?

Almost all the famous women artists that you know of? No kids.

I don’t even have the energy today to call myself an artist. I fight it, in my head, pointing to other people instead. But you know what?! I call bullshit on that.

Just because I don’t have the myopic self-absorption of a male artist? I’m constantly distracted from thought and doing by children and house and family, constantly. and I don’t want to give that up, or choose otherwise. (i mean, i’d give up the distractability, but not the kids and their lives, right?)

They’re growing, I don’t have anyone physically attached to me anymore, so it is easing. Their demands are for presence and food. And the presence has to be close, but not too close. And I laugh as I type, because its true now of all of them, even the 8 year old girl. I’m the favorite sofa. Necessary at times, but not especially expected to speak. I’m the witness and the solidity. (and that might be the best thing i have ever written about the way i’m parenting these kids. although i need to squish flexible into the solidity somehow and I’ll work on that tomorrow. )

I don’t make enough currently with my writing. I’m still supported by alimony and child support. I’m going to have to get a higher paying job to manage without them. When then will I have the time for the writing and the thinking? I’m not at all digging where my mood is taking me right now.

it is the way it is.

and it’s my whole gig right now, to imagine something else.

my daughter asked me what my dream job would be. just this morning. no lie. and i told her, ‘mom’ and then for the second, i was stuck. but also very very dreamy. what is it? what’s the feeling i want when i go to work, what’s the subject i want to be working with? thinking with? hmm?

I need to get more dreamy.

This is a rambler. I’m working shit out, I think. Maybe next time I’ll write it somewhere else first and come here with something more cohesive.

but i wouldn’t want to shock you too much. heh.

hmmm. thought-filled.

love, love,

me.

Humanity

December Deservings

Do you have problems buying during this time? I do. All of the things that I slightly crave during the year are suddenly on sale and suddenly in front of my social media eyes on the daily. Its so easy just to click. I find it hard to not compulsively buy things. And because there is a massive buy on the part of the kids, and i don’t have presents under the tree unless my siblings and mother are here, sometimes i think i am ‘owed’.

the combo can be problematic. SAVINGS! CRAVINGS! RESENTMENT! DESERVING! THERAPY!!MAKE ME FEEL GOOD WITH THE SHINY THING!LETS CHANGE EVERYTHING WITH A NEW SWEATER!!

This year I am countering the impulse with the knowledge that many of my friends and neighbors are actually suffering. Marriages are strained and worse, jobs are scarce and there are kids that will not have what they need this year for food, forget presents. So I gave a part of my ‘covid’ payment to the Woman’s Shelter and I’ve given more to foster families, and mentorship programs, and veteran’s coat drives and the food banks and all these little bits are better than feeling pinched because my kid has another pair of leggings.

I don’t think its enough, and I hope its helped a little. If you are not dead, you know where to give your money, if you have it.

Please do that.