Humanity

Nibbles

i do what i can to take care of myself lately. i’m only talking to people i like and i am not looking at a dating site. (now that i’ve typed it, i’ll probably look tonight, goddamnit)

i’m trying to go to yoga twice a week, i’m taking my vitamins.

i’m making sure to water the plants and i’m even using fertilizer this year, which i’ve never been willing to do because i’m all ‘nature should be untouched’ and all that shit.

we’re still not going to the beach very much. two redheads you know. they don’t really want to, and i would have to start drinking if i spent a full day in the sun now. and that sounds gross to me.

i send a letter occasionally.

i’ve figured out a way to get air conditioning on the entire bedroom set. it involves several pushpins and a sheet hanging from the ceiling. we will see. the truth is, i think i sleep better without it. it seems to be giving me headaches. what a bitch.

i’m taking my kid to camp for three weeks this weekend. i will be more fragile than i think. or, as fragile as i think. there will be a lot of driving and my older teenager has completely opted out to stay with friends for two nights, and someone is coming to watch the dogs and release the chickens!! (you have to yell that, right there, as in RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!)

there are a few moving parts. i’m taking my youngest to visit with two of her great aunts and their husbands, greatuncles too, and we’re going to a fabulous garden on the coast. maine has a whole damn lot of connection and visitation spots, as its where both my parents were born and raised. I wonder if i should visit some grave sites… it might freak my daughter out, and i don’t think the dead will notice. hm.

i had a job this week and it felt pretty damn good to have my wednesday all filled up. I purposefully cleared these past three weeks to spend time with kids before camp. and then it was cloudy and humid and rainy in a million ways. and too much screentime for us all. so it was less than ideal and i’m thrilled that my kid goes to camp for three weeks screen free.

i’ll have more work next week and I’m hoping structure will help me give us more activity. we’ll see.

first i’ve got to leave a kid in a place that makes him supremely happy and makes me feel like i have a hole in my heart.

i’ll be fine. i will.

remind me he needs a flashlight. okay?

allright. glad i’m writing? HA! a bunch of nibbles for you. I’m thinking a lot. I’m looking forward to when it starts spilling out onto a keyboard. its been a good time, believe it or not.

love you,

kate

person holding flashlight during nighttime
BUY A FLASHLIGHT, GODDAMNIT. TIME IS RUNNING OUT. Photo by Wendelin Jacober on Pexels.com
Humanity

Bullets clattering.

  1. My son turns 16 today, is already 16, in fact. What a joy that kid is. I admire the hell out of him and can’t wait to see what his life will hold. ( i mean, i can wait, i can wait, but it will be a joy, it will.)
  2. I’m supposed to be writing a shit ton today. I’m not. Its not quite ten and i’ve been eating a lot. Birthday boy isn’t here, I had my celebration for him last night. I feel unhinged. Do fathers feel this or is it the damn chromosome thing of female?
  3. I mowed the lawn this morning to try and beat the heat and discovered that barefoot is actually not safe and also, that random swerves and curvy paths are not as satisfying when you only mow for a half hour. i have a maze-like path i have to follow in order to get to the garden without walking in tall grass. This morning’s interpretive mowing was shortsighted.
  4. I just had the most fun ordering the summer reading books for the boys. Honestly, I’m going to read them all, including some re-reading. Slaughterhouse 5? BABY! And, i don’t think i’ve ever read Black Boy, by Wright, so I should. And I will. Best summer morning ever. (see #2)
  5. I’m also writing here, (#2 again) and I feel good about it, shimmering in my sweat as I am, I feel good about it. Having books coming in the mail is a pretty damn enticing thing. I have to finish the writing in order to make money to buy more books. Someone help me (besides the two people i have already enlisted to hold me accountable. Oh god.)
  6. I downloaded an app which will block my from social media when I ask it to. So helpful and I’m incredibly aware of my own self-disdain. “For chrissakes kate, just press ‘off’!” well, thank you very much, inner critic bitch.
  7. I don’t have any more bullets. I’m out. Hiding behind the suv in the shootout, no ammo. Either come and rescue or let it be quick. Maybe the work won’t see me if I crawl under the suv?
grassy meadow with flowers in nature
Not my lawn, but a happy one! Photo by Jill Burrow on Pexels.com

Maybe?

love love,

kate

Humanity

8000 words

Summer has blown my brain up. It was faster than I expected, this falling to pieces bit. I feel pretty flustered by the demands and the comparisons between the funhouse and the momhouse. I suppose I should just give in and do what they want, or suddenly be the person who makes plans. (not my forte)

I’m a go-along girl, always have been.

I used to judge myself for it. But I don’t anymore. And, when i need to, i can kind of make a plan. kind of. Trying to entertain myself when the kids are gone is pretty damn tough. No one to go-along with? Its been a pretty tough learning curve, and I am really not close to done.

Thankfully my eldest teen makes his own plans. So there is that. One taken care of. The other two ? They are learning.

god. I hate summer. (i mean, no i don’t.) It challenges me all day, every day, and I think I use fall and winter to rest, and recuperate.

But yesterday, my friends, with the fires lit under my ass by some friends, and the kids away with funparent, I wrote 8000 words.

8000 words. It feels like the beginning of a tidal wave, somehow. It is definitely a personal record, and was definitely necessary if I’m to have any hope of finishing my current job on time.

8000. What a fantastic number.

Don’t you want to dance around in it? Shimmy in your silver dress?

I do. I really do.

(too bad I need another few days of that kind of victory to be all done. I asked for the month of july off, with no work from this particular client. Went over like a bag of bricks. So, I have to get this done and well, and soon. And shockingly, the days are full of things, and lulls and more things, and I find it hard to sit and type, and dream and write. Shocking. BUT! I am hopeful now, because I am well underway. So hopeful. )

Its amazing to me how hung over I feel this morning. I sat down to get another few pages in, and my brain was disconnected from the process. I’m literally in another, liminal, space, half in my own katebowie mind, and half in a world of bartenders and fae spirits. Yes, that’s what this one was/is about.

So dang, my friends. 8000 words.

and tomorrow is my birthday. Shamalamadingdong.

how i keep track. It helps me to see, and begin to pick out patterns. Boy, my mornings can be busy. WTF, indeed. 🙂 Kind of like the notes I made when I was keeping track of contractions. Yeah.

love love,

kate

Humanity

Poem: not sure you’ll get it. s’ok tho.

Kids running, street lights buzzing- on, repetitions unplanned for. Distraction, uncoupling, loose car on a track.

My daughter cracks because mom didn’t look. How many times have I wanted to be witnessed? Just WITNESSED… i understand and it still cracks me. i can’t be looking all the time. she must learn to be her witness, and me too, i must.

lack, i am aware of how it plays, how it pays, the dividends of remorse, fear, mistake, compulsion. there is no thing to hold me then.

plenty. there is that too, and i spin in my time alone. each day making up for a sleepless night, a horrified waiting, a heartbreaking arrival. the ratio has not been worked out. but i’m gaining.



young female blowing huge balloon in sky
Photo by Gelatin on Pexels.com

*tried something new today. talked with an old lover yesterday who always challenges me with his words, and i remembered how much i like to twist and turn in poetry, and in challenge. so, i shared it. don’t know if any of it will resonate. but it does for me.

old dogs. new tricks. welcome summer.

love love,

k

Humanity

Friday funday. Sigh, yep. Prep time.

Today is the last Friday that the kids will be in school this year.

They have two and a half days next week. Thanks everyone, for that half day. I’m going to make so much use of it and write a few thousand words for work in like, two hours. I love it. (can you hear the blister in there? Ouch. If words could seer…)

I’ve just completed a marathon of errands and house-stocking in order to greet the summer. Once a week they will spend a weekday with their dad, and every other weekend as well. So we are going to be ‘together together’ for so very much of it. I’ve done it before and I’ll do it again, but believe me, I am preparing.

I’ve got my beach pass, a rolling beach cart, a cooler, wait, no I don’t. shit, my seven hundred pounds of hamburger, my six thousand bags of chips, a small orchard worth of apples, a garden which will handle the cucumber/tomato situation, as well as a surprising number of red peppers. The farm down the street will supply the corn by mid-July, most likely. Maybe end July.

I’ve discovered, well, i’ve (re-)discovered wine coolers which make me feel like a fancy lady but don’t put much alcohol in my system. I’d get more drunk if an alkie sneezed on me. So there is that to look forward to at the end of the day, and each of the kids has a friend with a pool. So I feel pretty damn squared away. Everyone has a swimsuit that fits, also, and I’m pretty sure everyone has some kind of sandal. (hmm… that third kid… maybe that’s a thing…)

There is sunblock and there is aloe vera gel in the fridge. What else do I need?

Tell me, quick, my time is running out.

(and no, I don’t know why I feel like the gates of summer will clang shut on me if I’m not prepared enough. I mean, I can just go BUY more sunblock, right?)

lovelove.

Heading out for Summer Survival Preparedness Day. There’s a bunker to fill.