Humanity

Two things I’m stuck on. Questions.

  1. Cynthia Lee asked, “what are your non-negotiables?”
  2. Anna Lovind asked, “If you could have a miracle, right now, what would it be?”

It shouldn’t be as hard as I’m finding it, to make an answer to either of these questions. Is my imagination dead? Am I truly as world-weary as I feel somedays? I had thought I was exaggerating to myself.

I’m assuming that the miracle has to be beyond ‘world peace’ or ‘i wish the first plastic had all been truly biodegradable.’

So, as far as the miracle goes, a first thought of money arrives. But how much? Is that a miracle really? Then I go to a healthy supportive loving partner, an actual partner, someone to yin and yang with so I can feel part of something and interwoven into things a bit more. I’d love to love someone and have them be delighted by me. That would be pretty miraculous. I’d still have to deal with myself, but man, I mean, that is something when you have it. I didn’t in marriage, but I did with the old boyfriend LM. So, I know how it can feel. And I think that would be pretty miraculous, right?

And then, Cynthia’s question: non-negotiables.

What do I consider non-negotiable in my day?

I need space, I need quiet. I need beauty. I need time to stare out the window. I need to recognize beauty in all the things. I do say writing, yes, I do need that. Without the outlet, my brain is too busy with desperate housewife depravity. (This is a thing) Most of the time my brain is full of shit, and the good stuff needs a little shuffle to come forward. The writing allows me to stir the pot of my psyche, and that’s good for all involved. still waters are only ever a mask.

So- what I need in my day, non-negotiable.

  • writing
  • Is there something wrong if I can’t come up with something else? I mean, I could give a toss for food, if i had to go without, i’d survive. space and quiet are things i have only gotten lately, so i know i can live without those. i stargaze and windowgaze all the time, I’m good with days off, but what? What else? Can I start with just one? Can I spend the rest of the days thinking about what is negotiable? It seems I’m already off on that tangent. God bless the flow, the freaking schizophrenic flow.

Sigh. Think about it. Are your answers fast and furious? Where do you end up?

love love,

me.

person doing peace sign hand gesture
Dudes. Fingers up. Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com
Humanity

Mother’s Day

Why do I like this made-up feshta so much? (I live in a Portuguese area and everything important has an sh in it.) Mother’s Day, Mother’s Day!

Mother’s Day.

More than any other it honors the love behind it all. Whether its mom or sister or spouse or best friend, its a love day for the ladies, way more than any Valentine’s might be. Its a day the pressure is mostly off, for me. I don’t have a partner, so its not like i have someone to grill burgers for lunch, so its not that kind of pressure. There’s just some lessening of the code, some ‘i don’t care, just leave your phone in the car’ time with the kids, some pleasure mixed in with favorite foods or take out for dinner, or this year? This year we got to go to my Mom’s, in person, unmasked. My middle kid was giving everyone long hugs, even though he lives with some of us. I’ll take it. My kids told me thank you and I love you multiple times all day, though it was primarily that middle kid again. He does make me smile. I chose to keep my eldest home from a soccer game that was smack dab in the middle of it, and he didn’t give me too much grief, and got a chance to talk to him grandmother and aunt and actually give them a chance to find out who he is, as he grows into his young man self.

That was pretty fucking great.

And yes, I know what a tricky day it is. And I am grieving my mother-in-law who is still alive, and I know this a day of a lot of grief for many many. There is no way not to mention the layers that there are here. Women. Its all the women of the world and what for many of us, is a nurturing capacity. whether we have access to that part of us is massive. And with whom and how the nurture is shared is a multiplicity. Fur babies, friends, step-children? And probably some don’t have it, and how does society view them? There is also so much loss, loss of babies, loss of moms, loss of possibility for babies. Its all in this one day, somehow. Its hard to hide from it, and even I don’t want to see the social media world on this day. There is too much that looks like ‘perfect’, and I don’t want to see it.

My best friend in the world told me that if she could choose anyone in the world to be her mother, it would be me.

And so my heart broke open, and the skies poured down baby rainbows and dandelion puffs. And I loved it. I would do it in a flash. Anyone else need me ? I’m offering the nurture here, free. I’ll bring tea and an extra blanket, maybe some lozenges, and a hand hold, and a shoulder squeeze.

love you all, and holding you in a long hug.

-lovelove

Humanity

I fell off the world. (Depression post)

And I’m sure I will again.

I’ve got this sort of cyclical depression going on and I’m trying to figure it out. watching when things go south. I know its pandemica but the hills and valleys must still be lived through. And I’m already on antidepressants. So, I’ll be Holding my hand when I feel myself slipping downwards, taking a good hot bath. Reaching out very gently to friends who will yell or support, either is fine. I have a therapist, I do not feel a danger to myself. (dingding.)

I haven’t got work this week, like i said already. (God! I so hate repetitions. I’m almost afraid of them. Does it mean I’m/you’re not paying attention?! Apologies all around.)

Yesterday was full of things but I FELT morose, which is damn sucky. The things I say to myself are just incredibly vicious. So today I am being more pro-active about it. I will be reading, taking my herbalism class, making sure I am warm and well-fed, without judging myself for having leftover butterchicken at ten am. (Oh good god, it was so good. I will eat it again for dinner, and tomorrow too. Even the kids loved it. It just needed little almond slivers, which i forgot.)

Do I really need a job outside the house, just to battle this shit? Because how can I write at all if I do that? Why God, why did you have to make cinnamon gummy bears bad for me?

I’m off to a bath soon, and I did get to my writing group this morning, and maybe I’ll try to save my poor begonia instead of seeing it as proof of my suckitude. Aye? Depression can suck it today.

Give me a topic to write about. Seriously. I beg of you.

love love,

me.

Bowl of Pastel chalks on a rainy day.

Humanity

A list. B list. C list. Love and Fear it.

IF its not cup size, I just don’t care, guys.

A list, for me. Because I need to get the swing back in my hips.

What do I love? What am I scared of? What do I love…

  1. I love the ellipses… the dangle, the possibility of surprise, and the more, more, more…
  2. I’m scared that I’m not doing enough for my kids, that my predilection to let them do stuff on their own is just laziness and that they’ll compare me so unfavorably to their dad who is so flawed, but ‘fun’.
  3. I love the ups and downs and whoopsadaisys. I wish there were more ups right now. But I’m in it for the longhaul, I am. Whoopsadaisy.
  4. I’m scared of a lot of things. I have these ‘great ideas’ but kind of want to give them to someone else to do. I have a hard time overcoming myself. Anyone want to come to a writing workshop at my house? and pay for it? Yeah, me too.
  5. I love fish and chips. with vinegar, and with ketchup. and tartar sauce. its been ages. AGES.
  6. I’m afraid I will never read all the books I have staring at me. The library is starting to smoke its anger at me. I just can’t stop. Anyone want to do a giant bookswap in July? My yard. Tables and tables. Bring yours.
  7. I love my body, I really do. Its pretty damn amazing. Its larger right now than it is meant to handle, and I’m adjusting to that very slowly. (Do not give me advice or pointers on this because I will seriously resent you and probably never forget it, either.)
  8. I’m afraid that I’ll never stop comparing myself to other people and intellectually I realize it is fruitless and entirely imaginary, but goddamn, I haven’t found the trick to stopping yet.
  9. I love my body, did I say that yet? Damn, she is a hot one.
  10. I’m afraid I won’t get used to being alone. I’m working on it.

I’m working on all of it. Taking it apart. Getting it together. All with jazz hands. (No.)

love love,

me.

fried meat beside sliced lemon and white mustard
Fish and Chips. Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.com
Humanity

Don’t Give Up

(These are not subsistence, safety or emergency directions. These are directions of immense privilege, once the other ones are addressed.)

Instructions on not giving up:

(idea from an Ada Limon poem, found here, and in yesterday’s post, here.)

  1. Call a friend or put the phone down. Like, an actual phone call, not a text. Voices are so good, and so are faces. You can even look at them while you talk if you want. Totally Jetsons.
  2. The second part of number one is important for me. If I can shove it off, the phone, I’m better for it. Really. All the damn scrolling! I can see it for the damage its doing. I can SEE it. goddamnit.
  3. Read a book. Don’t just say you are going to, do it. Don’t do it with the phone in your lap. Don’t feel guilty the whole time you are doing it. There is enough time. Laundry will always be there. So will the fucking game of uno and/or the epilogue you’re supposed to write.
  4. Fucking phone.
  5. Go outside. Look at things that don’t care who you are or what you are worth to worthless people. Just go stand next to a tree. It’ll love you or drop a stick on your head. Clear. (Don’t chop it down, or accept its giving its life to you. No, Asshole. Don’t ask it to, Creep. Just stand there.)
  6. Make a list. Listen when your friends tell you not to give up. Don’t read into it, just listen. Make another list.
  7. Lose yourself in the shape of a leaf. I mean, go for it. Pick an interesting one or just the nearest one. Imagine standing on that leaf. Spend some time there. I mean, try.
  8. Go water something. Be it a kid, or a pet, or a plant. Go feed something a truly nourishing drink of sustenance. Tell yourself how you are keeping life.
  9. Don’t clean anything, for godssakes, unless it makes you feel good. If you want to break a plate instead of washing it, go for it. Just wear safety goggles or real shoes maybe.
  10. I do like to sweep something though. I’m a fan of the sweep. Amazing how many things get caught up in that.
  11. In your moment of quiet, ask for help, guidance. If you don’t believe in a bigger thing, than make the ask to your own higher self, the pieces of you that want to be the best thing. Make it personal. Make it. Your act of creation, in asking, is a waterfall of possible. Rumble.

Do it all again the next day. Give yourself time in the morning, even if it means lying in bed thinking. Or staring at the coffee. Just be. Recognize how fucking awesome that is.

(if you can’t. call me. i’ll take the call, because the phone is still in my fucking lap. And I’ll take the call.)

Don’t Give Up.

lovelove.

me.