Humanity

Chump

I got stood up on a first date. I only waited fifteen minutes. I bought myself a sundae anyhow but didn’t want to pay a dollar for the slices of banana and so robbed myself of a little joy. but there was hot fudge.

(online dating bites the big one, also without banana)

i wore my yoga pants backwards this morning, to yoga. I’m not sure if anyone could tell but man, its that feeling, when you recognize that you are kinda sorta only basically functioning.

I spend a lot of time excusing people, making up imaginary scenarios in which there is a good reason for their bad behavior. I am beginning to see what a waste of my time that is. It is hard to let go of a pattern I’ve had since childhood. Some things are just inexplicable.

I’d like to tell you that I’ve been patting myself on the back for dodging a bullet but that would not be true. I wonder to myself if he saw me, and ran away, like they do in the movies. I am not 27 anymore and my exotic bird characteristics are not for everyone.

And then I think to myself I will stop looking. And then I recognize that it is possibly one of my defining traits, to be looking, seeking, curious. So then what? A break? I have fear that if i do that it will be permanent, I will somehow float off into the woods never to be seen again, disconnected entirely from the world of my body and of men.

and maybe that wouldn’t be so bad. but then there’s these kids that still need to be shepherded to adulthood. and stuff. and i should probably feed the dog. yah.

CHUMP.

thats right. its been that kind of week. And i’m pretty sure its just Monday.

Humanity

Birthday #47

Its great. I am always floating on my birthday, no matter what happens. I force my kids now, to make me a card. And its accompanied by a million groans and comments about lameness. and still i get a card so i feel the golden light in me flickering.

47. I have a friend who says that typically 47 is a crisis year for women. a real mid-point. (she is also 47) I say, I’m pretty strong right now, though tired, I’ll deal with whatever comes.

And. I’ve filled this past week with friends, one way or another. A super long phone call with the bestie, who will visit in august for the first time in many years. All the stories and reality tv of our dreams. or naps. but together!!

I saw a friend for burgers mid-week who was so very happy to see me.

My mom and sister took me out to a stunningly placed restaurant in my very own town. Fish tacos for the win.

I had a friend I haven’t seen for over two years come down and spend hours with me just watching a movie and talking. Alien. I had never seen it so had to do a little pacing and out-loud talking to the screen and the clear idiots on it. (I am definitely not a quiet thriller-watcher) I just watched the trailer again in order to link it up there, and couldn’t handle the ominous buildup feeling. Good lord. But its funny, so damn funny, to be so thrilled. And friends that love you are a bonified treasure.

Friends that love you are a bonified treasure.

bonified.

So I feel that, a lot, this birthday week. Love. and some hope trickles in. It makes such an enormous difference.

I don’t think I was entirely aware how much I was lacking it, hope. I can be very bogged down in the practical, believe it or not. 🙂

The sands are always shifting, right? And sometimes, they’ll bring you right to the oasis. Sometimes. They can. And why not?

Maybe I should get me some lottery tickets. (my almost 16 year old starts driver’s ed this week. Might need the boost.)

(Laughing.)

Love love, and hope.

me.

My mom and sister both have one of these. Now it’s my turn. That’s a lucky stone right there- the stripe, the striation. That’s me…. Lucky.

Humanity

Let’s Get Basic.

It’s time to confess that my relationship with my kitchen table is not platonic. (I am not basic, damnit)

I love it.

(If there was a fire, and my children and animals were safe, and I had a crew of young strong people at my disposal and the fire was unstoppable but at the other end of the building, then I would save this table. -all caveats necessary.)

Its immediately similar to the one I grew up with, but was in fact in the kitchen of my mother-in-law during her young mother-hood. My dog spent his young puppy-hood chewing on the base of it, so it is utterly corrupted from the ‘sell it for money’ point of view.

PLUS. i would never.

I’m going to leave my study right now, to go work at my lover’s lap. (um, wasn’t meant to be so damn sexual, but I’m literally going to bring my laptop into the kitchen now. Gutter-people, gutter.)

So its the basics, here. lightbulbs I bought this morning in a rush that I have figured out I don’t really need. Somehow every lightbulb in the kitchen got knocked loose, and all that flicker is just a matter of a tighter screw. (again. JAYSUS already.)

There’s an alphabet by Russell Maret, which my kids were figuring out today. Its been on the wall for six months or so but today, two of the three were deeply puzzled by a well-wishing new year’s alphabet card without the letters DJT… smirk encouraged.

They got it. Even the 8 year old. I’m definitely successful at the indoctrination of my children.

Money from the busdriver for the eggs I give him weekly. I really should pay him, my kids are so sick of eggs. So sick of eggs.

A baseball schedule, a book someone picks up every three months and leaves on the table so it ‘won’t get lost’.

Scratch tickets for big big money equaling the egg money, easily.

An art project, a pocketbook, waterglass and list of prompts. A joker, an M, a yo-yo and some trouble besides. . . What can you see? What can you find? None of it’s basic, my friends. What’s on Your mind?

Can we just let it lie, that nothing is basic? I’m deeply in love with the ephemera in my life. Would I still pay a lot of money to have someone clean my home? Yes, yes I would.

See? Not BASIC.

I’m laughing and sighing.

Yes, I love love you.

kate

Humanity

Avoidance

I will now confess that I did not get my car inspected on time. I will add to the confession a full twelve months. Twelve months of knowing that it would be a very expensive problem if I were to be pulled over. I would not be shot, most likely, because i’m a white woman, but I would get a large bill in the mail.

big difference.

It is like me to avoid things, but it is not like me to risk on something so dumb. But now that the car has been inspected, I feel secretly quite proud that I scammed the government of a year’s worth of time. None of this is rational.

I also avoid doing my taxes. I’m old enough that I’ve done them myself, had them done by others and its all good, its a pain but it is not hard. and yet. It weighs on me, and I look away.

I’m avoiding the next step in my creative doer class. It has to do with a lot of work with fear, and I am ready, there is a stack of paper next to me right now. and no. can’t make me. no. go to hell. GO TO HELL.

I’m avoiding my former in-laws. because I get so upset. I’m very unproud of this. I get so upset on so many levels and it is hard to level myself out afterwards. I really actively hate so many of the memories that are stirred up by being pulled back into that whirlwind. And it hurts, and I don’t want to feel hurt. And so I will make some kind of food and bring it down this week because I am an asshole.

Sigh. so there. I’ve also been avoiding writing here, I think. I am feeling deeply bored, and don’t want to know that I am spreading that particular virus.

LOVE LOVE. Yeah, I still love ya.

-kate

Not avoiding dessert. 😊

Humanity

Two things I’m stuck on. Questions.

  1. Cynthia Lee asked, “what are your non-negotiables?”
  2. Anna Lovind asked, “If you could have a miracle, right now, what would it be?”

It shouldn’t be as hard as I’m finding it, to make an answer to either of these questions. Is my imagination dead? Am I truly as world-weary as I feel somedays? I had thought I was exaggerating to myself.

I’m assuming that the miracle has to be beyond ‘world peace’ or ‘i wish the first plastic had all been truly biodegradable.’

So, as far as the miracle goes, a first thought of money arrives. But how much? Is that a miracle really? Then I go to a healthy supportive loving partner, an actual partner, someone to yin and yang with so I can feel part of something and interwoven into things a bit more. I’d love to love someone and have them be delighted by me. That would be pretty miraculous. I’d still have to deal with myself, but man, I mean, that is something when you have it. I didn’t in marriage, but I did with the old boyfriend LM. So, I know how it can feel. And I think that would be pretty miraculous, right?

And then, Cynthia’s question: non-negotiables.

What do I consider non-negotiable in my day?

I need space, I need quiet. I need beauty. I need time to stare out the window. I need to recognize beauty in all the things. I do say writing, yes, I do need that. Without the outlet, my brain is too busy with desperate housewife depravity. (This is a thing) Most of the time my brain is full of shit, and the good stuff needs a little shuffle to come forward. The writing allows me to stir the pot of my psyche, and that’s good for all involved. still waters are only ever a mask.

So- what I need in my day, non-negotiable.

  • writing
  • Is there something wrong if I can’t come up with something else? I mean, I could give a toss for food, if i had to go without, i’d survive. space and quiet are things i have only gotten lately, so i know i can live without those. i stargaze and windowgaze all the time, I’m good with days off, but what? What else? Can I start with just one? Can I spend the rest of the days thinking about what is negotiable? It seems I’m already off on that tangent. God bless the flow, the freaking schizophrenic flow.

Sigh. Think about it. Are your answers fast and furious? Where do you end up?

love love,

me.

person doing peace sign hand gesture
Dudes. Fingers up. Photo by cottonbro on Pexels.com