Humanity

December 26

what are you, literally, feeling today?

THE FEELS.

(ala Cynthia, again. I love her. You should go see her. really.)

  1. my eyes are tired, they’ve got that slight delay to them, the blink is slower. i feel that.
  2. pride. i’m proud that yesterday was so nice. i had a good time. i lost my shit around 4 trying to assemble the rowing machine. but i did it. my first ever solo voyage. and the kids accepted my apology and i lay under the incredibly soft and weighted blanket my sister got me and i cried a little. there’s no one to ask for any help, or even any sympathy and sometimes that gets to me. i feel it. self-pity party. in my freak out i did mention ‘real subtle-like’ some of the reasons why i might be so tired to the kids. it is good for them to gain some knowledge on christmas day. i’m sure they won’t remember. but still.
  3. its legit cold this morning, and i put on my boots and got the trash can out in time. the cold was good for my spirit. i think it cleared out some stuff. certainly made me realize that pajamas are not really winter weather gear. the sharpness on my skin was a good reminder of what is, and what is not.
  4. the coffee is so strong. the mug is porcelain poured over something else, smooth. i have no idea if its porcelain, its just smooth, with an imprinted, ‘christmas red’ design and i love it, and spent minutes this morning wondering if it were green would it last longer seasonally… like, could i use it into spring without feeling ‘behind’ in cleaning up, somehow. (i do not clean up quickly, but i do need another clearing of house some time in january, so it does get moved away)
  5. my skin is still soft, and smells good. oh my. soft. like old-lady soft. bring on the pastel mints.
  6. i keep having to consciously pull my shoulders down and relax my arms. i’m carrying some physical stress and I’m not sure what thats about, or why i keep getting wound up. once an hour at least.
  7. i just-about sliced the tip of my finger off last week (with scissors, thank you very much) when i was unpackaging a sled. it still hurts. it probably was a stitch-able thing but whatever and its my thumb. everytime i bump it my stomach lurches. i’ve had three freaking babies, folks. what the hell. it hurts distractingly. Its healed up mostly but good lord.
  8. i watered all my plants today, it felt like feeding chickens, taking care of babies. i was born to be a mom and i didn’t know it didn’t have to do with kids until after i started having kids. how bout that? i’m just that loving. i love my friends, my plants, my animals, my strangers. its just THAT obnoxious. gah.
  9. i always put oranges in stockings. yeah, old school but man, the texture of that skin. can’t you feel it and smell it now?
  10. i’m so damn lucky. i know it. my kids are awesome and healthy and i got to see my mom and sister (windows open, everyone masked the whole time, even kids y’all) yesterday. i feel the luck and love.
  11. today i’m going to read, and feed them and maybe get them out to the beach for a beauty walk. but thats it, and except for reading, the rest is negotiable. 😉
  • i missed yesterday and thought about it a few times. i slept downstairs on the sofa by the tree and woke up before everyone. it was blissy but not necessarily good sleep. i saved my energy for the inevitable ‘will you play this new ooo with me?’ i did, i played, and then i said no, and then i ‘napped’ and then fed them. it was a win for the feeding, after all that. so i forgive myself the miss of not writing. life and all.
  • still loves you all plenty.
  • me.

Humanity

Dickie December.

Dickie December? Yes. Its funny because my kid requested two pieces of Dickie merchandise for Christmas. and also, because life is dick-ish currently.

Nothing is really wrong, no worries.

I had a list of beautiful words, to say, to think about, to feel, and I was going to give it to you, but instead I fell into sobs in the Target parking lot. lots of them.

and herein lies todays post.

none of us are really okay. its been too long, we are missing people. we are getting old. we know that people are suffering in big ways around us, if not in our own home. My kids want game systems and there might be people hungry on my street right now. (sidenote: the parents of my kid’s pack have decided not to buy it, so i am granted reprieve from the fear that my kid will be the only one without- which was what was driving me deep down. the fear of being the failure mom.)

I’m sure that people in healthy relationships are relying on each other, and yes, i think that probably helps a whole lot. So I am missing that little bit.

But I’ve got great resources, and I’m 46 and I’ve been through this kind of thing before. In the car, while crying, I contacted my health insurance to find out who i’m covered to see as far as therapists. Texted a friend, and gave up on going in to Target. I hadn’t made a list and I would have spent a bunch of money on myself when really, I need to fucking focus on getting Christmas done, and not buy myself another scarf/lipstick/sweater I’m not really going to wear, just ’cause its pretty. I literally don’t wear any makeup at all, and I’m coveting lipsticks lately.

WTF.

The subject of the overwhelm is what we all feel right now PLUS:

I stepped on the scale and I’m five pounds OVER the number I cannot mention but have stayed at for an entire year. I have glaucoma and spent the morning having talks with my doctor and having stinging stuff put in my eye and facing the fact that on the day i can’t drive after the appt, i’m just going to sit in the car because I refuse to ask my 75 year old mother to drive me home. I’m single momming and deeply worried that I am not enough. For me, the anxiety of the covid era has WAY WAY exaggerated my low self-esteem and I heard myself talking to myself (yes, this is a thing) about how I didn’t know why I was taking this new job because I would do a crap job anyhow. (oh?) I’m in a new and very beginning stage dating situation which might not even be dating honestly and I can’t offload all this crap on him just yet. (see previous self-esteem problem).

Its truly all interwoven. And I’m just succumbing to it today. The kids are at their dad’s til 8 or so, so I can go take a bath and work on re-writing the thing thats been edited five times, again. Essentially I am removing my self and my writing voice from it, which is what I’ve been slowly realizing. Just erasing. bummer.

So there. thats a truth. I have enough. I give. I’m okay almost all the time. But I’m worn thin. We need to be holding hands right now, but a text message will do.

(not me. really, you don’t need to text me, i’m heading upwards. send a text to everyone on your list. do it.)

A better day, yesterday, sharing my bag lady look with a friend.

There is still joy. There is. Look at this photo. I’m the biggest goob you know, really. And the man who I’m doing all that re-editing for sent me a hundred bucks today because he knows how hard i’ve been working. I’m going to take a bath now. Breathe deep, my friend told me. Breathing interupts the anxiety/overwhelm. Just Breathe.

Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO: TwentyFIVE. Ghosts.

Ghosts. What do you carry with you?

  1. I’ve made the cardinal into the symbol of my dad, or he has, I’m not sure. But it stands; when I see one, I remember him. There is a cardinal couple who live in my yard, so I see them often, though often in unexpected places. He was a good dad, human, with flaws that were visible. When I remember him, I am helped, in whatever I am doing. I feel comforted. This is a very good ghost to have.
  2. I’ve been having anxiety dreams about my old marriage. I’m waking up thinking of bad times and its not a whole lot of fun. ‘Tis the season. (not a great ghost.)
  3. Along with the anxiety dreams, my brain has been tripping on old conversations. I don’t entirely understand it, as it is one-sided, clearly, and I have absolutely no interest in engaging ever on these subjects again. Past is past. Is a ghost sucking the life out of me? For those minutes, yes.
  4. I’ve got to deliver a turkey to my mom this morning, so she can get it ready for tomorrow. It will just be the two of us, and thats allright. My kids are with their dad, and thats allright. But I tell you, if I see pictures on social media of large family gatherings, my feelings will not be allright.
  5. Ghosts are heavy. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Heavy. Lay them down. Don’t carry anything but your own damn self. Past is past. Shake it off. Dance to the fucking pop song.

I’m out. five is all i can do today, and i’m going to lay it down. boom.

Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO: TwentyONE!! WINNING

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death. I’m not focusing on what I have lost, but on where I am winning.

BIG TIME WINNING.

  1. I’ve already had some minutes of kitchen dancing, trying to untie my knots. arms flinging. mostly soundtracked by pharrell.
  2. I’ve got a new cup of coffee and its not bad. I’ve cleaned the counter behind the coffee maker and under the toaster. I’m winning.
  3. I’ve taken my antidepressants. also winning.
  4. am realizing I need to take care of my eyes better, and that might mean I fork out money for the glasses from the eye glass place, which galls me to no end. I just want to yell schiester! all the time, and I’m pretty sure my grip on yiddish is nonexistent and i don’t know how to spell that.
  5. I’m reading a book called Invisible City by Julia Dahl which takes places all around a Hasidic community in New York, so I’m an expert on Yiddish now. (#4 and #5 are slightly contradictory, i know. but facts are irrelevant.) Its good, by the way, the main character is a plucky smart barfly reporter, with ties to the community that she’d rather ignore. I bet she’s going to help solve the murder, but I’m just a quarter in. dig it.
  6. This year is the first time in my life I will not be seeing my extended family for the weekend after Thanksgiving. IN MY LIFE. (Unless I was in a foreign country.) This is a big deal. You and me both, probably. It makes me a little sick. But I’m winning, somehow, because I will take the kids for a walk on the beach no matter what the fucking weather, because I fucking want to and pneumonia is NOTHING at this point. except that I’d have to treat it at home. whatever. WINNING.
  7. fucking hell, I don’t feel like it.
  8. I always fight against the anniversary of his death day, even when it was happening I was saying, no, no, we have to celebrate his BIRTHDAY, not this. not this. But its inevitable, and I carry it every November. ten days after the last photo I have of him, at my daughter’s first birthday. Sigh. Fucking fuck.
  9. I tried to drink heavily last night but made it through half a can of drink and was feeling wasted, so stopped. I think it was maybe 7 pm. I am just no good at the drinking heavily. I love my mornings, see? except maybe today. But that there is a lie. I even like today’s morning, its gorgeous, and I should really take care of the chickens.
  10. I keep looking around the yard, seeing the stuff that needs to be done before real winter. who the hell am i? when did this happen? I also deal with the fact that I might be one of those people who end up with a rusting out car in the yard, because I just can’t muster up the energy to make it matter. I did put the grill away though. So there. ( I hope I never end up with a car in my yard, I mean, couldn’t I sell it or something? )

Sigh. Guys. Not my best work, I grant you. Here’s to today. rah.

Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO: Seventeen. Wishes ARE horses.

Wish list:

  1. I wish Donald Trump would go completely away and not be heard from again, in any form, (except for/from/by his family, who presumably love him.)
  2. I wish that the sentence, “Black lives matter” just caused nods.
  3. I wish it was more clear to people that I am just what I say I am, and I’m trying my best, all the time and it comes from love, and fear, and love, all the time.  
  4. I wish my kids could live in a bubble of my love for the rest of their lives. And take comfort from the come and go nature of the bubble.
  5. I wish I could feel better about myself on a more regular basis.
  6. I wish I had tons of money so I could not be reliant on alimony and child support and could give a giant fuckoff to it.
  7. I wish I had a spot in the house that was sanctuary like, that I could go to and sit/stand/lie whatever, and sink into worship and thought and holiness.  ( I know I could do it within me, but its not what I am wishing for, damnit. I want OUTER calm. ((now I’m laughing hysterically)) )
  8. I wish everyone had double parentheses at their disposal. Food for their children too.
  9. I wish I liked healthy greens and grains.
  10. I wish I had a personal chef to force me to eat swiss chard. It is so beautiful. I would need to be tied down.
  11. I wish my old friend did not have cancer and dementia. It breaks me regularly. This is the ringer.
  12. I wish my heart would explode and cover and protect this whole world. It is a strong one, and we all need it.

TELL ME YOURS.