December headaches.

These are little things, and drips of my personality.

sorry. and you are welcome.

  1. i use a lot of humor with my kids, especially when we are camped out like this for a week. together. nowhere to go, no routine to adhere to. no school, no sports, no friends (covid). there is a certain level of hysteria in it, as the resident adult. lately its been ‘you people constantly want FOOD. what is wrong with you?!’ They laugh, I laugh… but it comes from my sincere desire to never cook again, i tell you. never ever. i can’t believe i have to do it again, at breakfast, then lunch, and then dinner. Its an absolute killer of soul.
  2. i have a headache again. i think this one is from being too hot in my sleep. have to eat something more before i put the medicine in my body. coffee is made. just trying to avoid throwing up all over the kitchen again. Not sure I could deal with that AND kids needing food. and yes, they know how to make sandwiches, toast, and ramen. they will never starve.
  3. the broken down chair i sit in is still pretty damn comfortable. its wide enough that i can pull my legs up and sit criss-cross apple sauce… many years as a sub, my friends. i love my elementary teacher days. still and always. just like i love buffy. might not want to watch it all the time or do it again, but the love is real.
  4. who am i kidding? i would love to work with kids again. and as much as i deeply want to serve the need my schools have for subs, now is not the time. at all. i wish i were that person, but i am not. i see it as keeping my mom around for a while longer, and no desire to be a hero will top that.
  5. i’m having a hard time with no attention from men. there, i said it. i think its lame, myself, but i miss the randomness of texts and the titillation of stranger flirtation and heavy handed innuendos. instead, i have discovered poshmark, and my friends, i have purchased a pair of boots, a bra and some pants. (i do not even wear bras, friends. what the flucking fuck? oh my though, its so pretty!)
  6. i need to remember this time period after christmas, financially. i’m just so relieved that i made it through, all the kids are supplied! We have this time together and i’m WAY too spendy. This year is a little better because I’m not going out to browse anyone’s Christmas clearance section, but still. I’ve blown my budget for months. sigh. and the truth? its all stuff for me. i think there is a final pushback against all the money i’ve spent on the kids and family for the months prepping for Christmas. i have this sense that ‘i deserve’ and everything is on sale, and i just lose my flipping mind.
  7. On Christmas Eve, we watched Die Hard as a family, and I think it made me just as happy as watching the Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe. I may have a personality split coming or going. Psychosis? (they liked it, happily, otherwise i would be driving them across the border to drop them for the Canadians.)
  8. the kids leave tomorrow for five days straight. i desperately need to get my head on straight. i’m sure the vacuum will play a role. but i will also light some candles around the bathtub and do it up right. and i will, evidently, have new boots on, though not in the bath.
  9. i’m dirty. my hair is dirty. the last time i bathed was a long time ago. i hate showers with a passion and feel like a petulant kid when someone suggests one. seriously. you can’t make me.
  10. i love katherine hepburn. (she’s on the vision board too) yes, i know, a richy rich, but still. i love her prickly ways.
  11. gah. i freaking have to think about food again. JAYSUS.

love you love you. really do.


thinking of changing the name of the writing again. the unwifed part of me being smaller and smaller as the time goes by. fuck that, right? what do you think?

comfortable and colorful but collapsing…


December noticing 2

the next nine. (thanks again to cynthia lee. find her on patreon and give her $3)

SMELL. a mix of what is here, and what i like, and what i remember.

  1. I made popcorn this morning to satisfy the ‘special snack’ for the ‘christmas snack bag’ broohaha for the youngest. I made the popcorn with a large amount of frustration and resentment. I think I am too tired, and I don’t entirely get it. although the dog woke me up at three to go outside. its just 9:30 in the morning and i’m tired. i’ve got to go to the grocery store soon and i’m tired, just so tired. the kitchen still smells of popcorn.
  2. i wrote today about my dad’s holiday pants. a great wool plaid that i remember so vividly, from the church fairs and the dinner parties of my early childhood. early childhood. before i was ten. there is a legend of the day i grabbed the car salesman’s legs, and clung, because he was wearing those pants and i thought it was my dad. a legend. a story forged, melted and solidified. i can still smell those pants. i miss my dad.
  3. i brushed my daughter’s hair before the popcorn mood fizzle. i brush it almost every day. she’s got strawberry red though she believes its blond, always uses yellow crayons to make her hair. i can’t really understand the willfull misstake, but i am here to tell you how good it smells, her hair. perpetually clean, fresh, makes me think of princesses and lacy doilies.
  4. the crisp crunch of snow. its a smell. it really is. its a blue smell. i can’t say anything more about it.
  5. libraries. i don’t know how it is that they all smell the same, but they do. paper, pragmatism, age.
  6. the radiator next to me smells of warmth. literal heat in waves to my nose. substantial. warm metal. huh. so much in there.
  7. the chicken coop smells like a chicken coop should. but its a reminder in all this warmth, there is a hell of a lot of shit.
  8. the lotion i’ve started putting on my face at night. i’m a little incredulous that i’ve developed, or have started to develop, a routine of pampering. i rub this yummy smell into my face and i just feel a tiny bit of delight about it. and my daughter told me i smelled good yesterday. because of my face. tiny delights.
  9. bacon. because really, this had to be bookended by the two best scents in the world, popcorn and bacon. bacon is the only thing that makes me pity vegans and vegetarians. otherwise, they’ve got the right of it. but still. bacon. sigh.

yeah, weight watchers is going well. (hysterical laughing/sobbing)

love love love,


look at her hair. oh my goodness. the wave is a curl for most of the year. sigh. beauty.


NOVEMBER NONO: TwentyNINE.. Startups

  1. Started out thinking I’d write to the men of the world who want to date women in their 40s. Then I realized I don’t give a shit. If you don’t already know? Why would I want to be your teacher? I’m tired, man.
  2. Started a craft project with my eight year old and then got distracted by eating my lunch. I am in deep shit. glue and foam of some kind.
  3. Started with one bowl of mashed potatoes and the last bits of the mushrooms. Got carried away. Two bowls, one with stuffing. Thanksgiving just keeps on giving.
  4. Started and finished putting up the lights in the yard. Way more didn’t light than I expected but that pile will stay on the porch through the winter, irritating me until one by one i fix them. I most likely will fix them. I might fix them.
  5. Started reading my book again, The Lost Queen, and realized I’m approaching the end. Glad I overreacted to book boredom and bought the second one when I bought the first. I’m okay with finishing when the next is close at hand.
  6. Started saying ‘what the heck’ instead of what the fuck with my kids. Its only at a 50% success rate. I think maybe I’ve gone too far to the dark side.
  7. Started (again) trying to recognize that being nice does not always serve me. People who are trying to manipulate my emotions for no flipping purpose sometimes have me twisted in knots trying to figure out how to still be nice, when, in fact, I should kick them in the face and be done with it.
  8. Starting to acknowledge the depth to which my resistance goes. Did you ever see the movie ‘Secretary’? It is a tour de force of submissive-dominant relationships (not necessarily a healthy one of those). I see all the power lying in her, in her refusal. And I think there is some of that in me. But the things I am refusing are not meant to be refused. Forward motion, release, striving, competition. exercise. These. Sigh. What the fuck.
  9. I’m starting to clean random areas, like we all did at the beginning of this. Oh? You think I should sort the napkin drawer? Oh? Lets just clean out the ornaments now? This one? So long. Sentiment be damned. If I am the only carrier of the sentiment, can’t I get a reprieve? Lighten up the damn season. Lighten up the house. Remove some of the weight on the foundation.
  10. Starting to wonder what I’ll do in December. Will I keep writing? Should I ? I have really liked the feeling of connection I’ve gotten from it. I’m proud I’ve finally done a month. (if i miss tomorrow you can just call me a turkey and move past it.)
  11. have loved doing it this month. really.
  12. what are you starting up?
Starting to wrinkle up in a formidable fashion. sigh. That blue!!