Humanity

I fell off the world. (Depression post)

And I’m sure I will again.

I’ve got this sort of cyclical depression going on and I’m trying to figure it out. watching when things go south. I know its pandemica but the hills and valleys must still be lived through. And I’m already on antidepressants. So, I’ll be Holding my hand when I feel myself slipping downwards, taking a good hot bath. Reaching out very gently to friends who will yell or support, either is fine. I have a therapist, I do not feel a danger to myself. (dingding.)

I haven’t got work this week, like i said already. (God! I so hate repetitions. I’m almost afraid of them. Does it mean I’m/you’re not paying attention?! Apologies all around.)

Yesterday was full of things but I FELT morose, which is damn sucky. The things I say to myself are just incredibly vicious. So today I am being more pro-active about it. I will be reading, taking my herbalism class, making sure I am warm and well-fed, without judging myself for having leftover butterchicken at ten am. (Oh good god, it was so good. I will eat it again for dinner, and tomorrow too. Even the kids loved it. It just needed little almond slivers, which i forgot.)

Do I really need a job outside the house, just to battle this shit? Because how can I write at all if I do that? Why God, why did you have to make cinnamon gummy bears bad for me?

I’m off to a bath soon, and I did get to my writing group this morning, and maybe I’ll try to save my poor begonia instead of seeing it as proof of my suckitude. Aye? Depression can suck it today.

Give me a topic to write about. Seriously. I beg of you.

love love,

me.

Bowl of Pastel chalks on a rainy day.

Humanity

Lost, Alone, and a list.

I don’t have a paid job this week and so i’m a bit adrift. I finished up my project early so its supposed to be a good thing, a break. but i’m just freaking morose.

I know the NYTimes had labeled it Languishing. but its not right, I’m sorry, the fruitlessness, the vagurey of this time has some words of its own, and its more than that. the recognition of a deep dissatisfaction. the recognition, further, that there is nothing you are truly willing to do to change it?

gowd.

so here is a list of what i have done today, because it is all about clinging to sanity here.

  1. I have gotten three kids to school, with a very small amount of frustration or verbal list-making… i.e. do you have your cleats, your glove, are there socks on your feet?
  2. I have checked a half dozen times on the new pullets i got last week. they are holding their own against the older hens, for now.
  3. I have watched a chicken jump almost six feet straight up to escape the run that I have been fixing up all weekend. Motherfucker.
  4. I have done laundry that is all my own, and some of theirs and they’ll be able to turn in last season’s uniforms freshly laundered. Believe me, i have given that as a gift to another mother.
  5. I have put the dishwasher through.
  6. I made tonight’s dinner already because its bubbling in the crockpot. Butter chicken, babies. If you are not familiar with Indian Food, then just please come visit me. This is my first time making this and aside from collecting the spices initially, it was super easy. I am very much ready to eat it now. it is only 3:30 in the afternoon.
  7. I’ve eaten so much sugar in the past two weeks that I’ve messed up all my intestinal, internal floras and faunas and so now I am on an antibiotic which means I cannot have any alcohol. So of course it is all I can think about. Tomorrow is the last day.
  8. I’ve watched an episode of Alone. I can’t function while cold, I don’t know how these men and women do it.
  9. I have applied the beauty-fying face cream. Not holding my breath.
  10. I’ve arranged for my dog to be played with this weekend while i have a beautiful 24 hour escape with my sister. unprecedented.
  11. And here, this. Adrift

Leaving marks in the wilderness,

kate

brown pie on brown wooden tray
Not my naan, not my dinner, Photo by Saveurs Secretes on Pexels.com