I don’t have a paid job this week and so i’m a bit adrift. I finished up my project early so its supposed to be a good thing, a break. but i’m just freaking morose.
I know the NYTimes had labeled it Languishing. but its not right, I’m sorry, the fruitlessness, the vagurey of this time has some words of its own, and its more than that. the recognition of a deep dissatisfaction. the recognition, further, that there is nothing you are truly willing to do to change it?
so here is a list of what i have done today, because it is all about clinging to sanity here.
- I have gotten three kids to school, with a very small amount of frustration or verbal list-making… i.e. do you have your cleats, your glove, are there socks on your feet?
- I have checked a half dozen times on the new pullets i got last week. they are holding their own against the older hens, for now.
- I have watched a chicken jump almost six feet straight up to escape the run that I have been fixing up all weekend. Motherfucker.
- I have done laundry that is all my own, and some of theirs and they’ll be able to turn in last season’s uniforms freshly laundered. Believe me, i have given that as a gift to another mother.
- I have put the dishwasher through.
- I made tonight’s dinner already because its bubbling in the crockpot. Butter chicken, babies. If you are not familiar with Indian Food, then just please come visit me. This is my first time making this and aside from collecting the spices initially, it was super easy. I am very much ready to eat it now. it is only 3:30 in the afternoon.
- I’ve eaten so much sugar in the past two weeks that I’ve messed up all my intestinal, internal floras and faunas and so now I am on an antibiotic which means I cannot have any alcohol. So of course it is all I can think about. Tomorrow is the last day.
- I’ve watched an episode of Alone. I can’t function while cold, I don’t know how these men and women do it.
- I have applied the beauty-fying face cream. Not holding my breath.
- I’ve arranged for my dog to be played with this weekend while i have a beautiful 24 hour escape with my sister. unprecedented.
- And here, this. Adrift
Leaving marks in the wilderness,