I’ve got this sort of cyclical depression going on and I’m trying to figure it out. watching when things go south. I know its pandemica but the hills and valleys must still be lived through. And I’m already on antidepressants. So, I’ll be Holding my hand when I feel myself slipping downwards, taking a good hot bath. Reaching out very gently to friends who will yell or support, either is fine. I have a therapist, I do not feel a danger to myself. (dingding.)
I haven’t got work this week, like i said already. (God! I so hate repetitions. I’m almost afraid of them. Does it mean I’m/you’re not paying attention?! Apologies all around.)
Yesterday was full of things but I FELT morose, which is damn sucky. The things I say to myself are just incredibly vicious. So today I am being more pro-active about it. I will be reading, taking my herbalism class, making sure I am warm and well-fed, without judging myself for having leftover butterchicken at ten am. (Oh good god, it was so good. I will eat it again for dinner, and tomorrow too. Even the kids loved it. It just needed little almond slivers, which i forgot.)
Do I really need a job outside the house, just to battle this shit? Because how can I write at all if I do that? Why God, why did you have to make cinnamon gummy bears bad for me?
I’m off to a bath soon, and I did get to my writing group this morning, and maybe I’ll try to save my poor begonia instead of seeing it as proof of my suckitude. Aye? Depression can suck it today.
Give me a topic to write about. Seriously. I beg of you.
Its been a shit week, friends. And today will be long. Yesterday I took a nap in the middle of the day, and I think it was because I was upset still about conversations from Wednesday. The old memories cause bad dreams, wherein I fight for something I am doomed to fail at. (primarily my self-respect, hello?!) So I don’t sleep well, but sleeping in the middle of the day? This is a bad sign, for me. It makes me worry. I only left the house to do pickups at 4:30. Dinner had been prepared the day before otherwise these kids would’ve had takeout. Believe it or not, I just can’t afford to get takeout every time I’m bothered.
There are times when working at home is not all that easy.
This week I’ve had three days in a row with no kids here during school hours, and I haven’t even had to drive anyone to and from school. I think the schedule-less time is a challenge for me. I need a structure as much as I say the kids do. Yesterday, when I slept? I was supposed to be maintaining a certain number of words written in another project. I did not.
*And yes, I am gentle with myself and yes, I know it is a pandemic, still. So I make my coffee strong enough to peel my face off, I have a to-do list that will provide a certain amount of structure. I have a few animals to care for and a tax form to sigh at. I’m here, and I’m on it.
I’m going to spend some time today making a house list. What the hell are my plans for this place? Are plans just dreams? How can I get it to be a help to me instead of a millstone? I think I can do it, I’ve just got to make another list, I think.
*Its still a hard time, for all of us, and sometimes I feel like the weather change is actually hard. this spring stuff, because it takes me longer than I think it should to shuffle off my winter’s growth. I need the shearing first, and comfort is not as easy as taking off a winter coat. First its a risk to even remove it, right? Then there is the inevitable chill. The cold nose, the chapped fingers. I’m not ready.
so, yes, I’m fine. and its friday, which feels completely irrelevant to my life at this point. so fuck it.
its a snow day of sorts. everything is panicky shutting down but the kids still had ‘remote’ learning. i took two of us for covid tests today, because of exposures.
two of four. right?
i took us to fast food when it was all done and now i feel bloated, at all the ends, and does everyone feel like this but just forget each time? The only good thing about a quarter pounder is the pickle. and it even looked disgusting. but i still ate it.
its beautiful outside.
i haven’t written in three days and i’m fearful of letting it go any longer. The kids are embattled with each other today and I don’t know what its about, but maybe they’re responding to the food too.
the snow is so beautiful and the ground is too warm to let it stick, so driving is a pleasure and there is a feeling of cozy, even in the car.
i have my green tea with ginger waiting and i’m trying to work through my feelings and i’m tired of the way i seem to fling myself about. why can’t i just move sedately like adult people? i feel just a mass of limbs lately. today. today i feel that way, a pile of frog legs on the plate.
i’m not following a prompt, but they’ve been influencing me greatly these past two weeks.
the creative minds of others. i’m just blown out of my space by these people. out of my orbit. How can they walk around with all this color and word-richness in their heads? How do they bear the weight?!
I finished the big project today, and sent it off. shortly had a mini-meltdown of mood. its not the first time, and this past few weeks i was struck by how often i could feel myself at the top of a hill, spilling downwards like Jill. I couldn’t seem to stop it, and there it was, despair. great hairy balls of fire.
my old college roommate (she’s old, not me) allows me to use her as an accountability partner on these big projects. I let her know each time i zoom past another thousand words. It makes such an enormous difference. really. Lets Hear it for KIM!! RAAAAH!!
i love the winter, the darkness, the safety in staying home. BUT my kids are chafing, so very chafed. pandemica makes me not want them doing anything at all, and i do let them do things, and i have fears that i am killing people by doing this. i both see the irrationality and don’t, so don’t address it with me. the middle starts in-person this week and the eldest in two weeks. i want a complete and total freeze on the old people. no, zero. no.
i made two lasagnas today, because i’ve been worried about my former in-laws. they will get one, yes, my father-in-law claims to love love love them. my mother in law is my best woman ever, and she is going into dementia and it hurts my whole body.
holy fuck kim. i just did math. its been a long damn time.
i’ve decided to suspend rational thought when it comes to men. yes, i have suspicions that mine and their wants are different. but now, i just want to deal with right now. i’m too tired to dwell in suspicion. its a thing i can just let go. i can always live in regret.
tomorrow there will be a new president. and yes, i have been holding my breath for the past few weeks.
all the cups are empty, and they are all over the house. Should i read into this?
my middle kid has requested a peach tree. how damn cool is that? I am looking into it. For real. Peaches in the yard.
Dickie December? Yes. Its funny because my kid requested two pieces of Dickie merchandise for Christmas. and also, because life is dick-ish currently.
Nothing is really wrong, no worries.
I had a list of beautiful words, to say, to think about, to feel, and I was going to give it to you, but instead I fell into sobs in the Target parking lot. lots of them.
and herein lies todays post.
none of us are really okay. its been too long, we are missing people. we are getting old. we know that people are suffering in big ways around us, if not in our own home. My kids want game systems and there might be people hungry on my street right now. (sidenote: the parents of my kid’s pack have decided not to buy it, so i am granted reprieve from the fear that my kid will be the only one without- which was what was driving me deep down. the fear of being the failure mom.)
I’m sure that people in healthy relationships are relying on each other, and yes, i think that probably helps a whole lot. So I am missing that little bit.
But I’ve got great resources, and I’m 46 and I’ve been through this kind of thing before. In the car, while crying, I contacted my health insurance to find out who i’m covered to see as far as therapists. Texted a friend, and gave up on going in to Target. I hadn’t made a list and I would have spent a bunch of money on myself when really, I need to fucking focus on getting Christmas done, and not buy myself another scarf/lipstick/sweater I’m not really going to wear, just ’cause its pretty. I literally don’t wear any makeup at all, and I’m coveting lipsticks lately.
The subject of the overwhelm is what we all feel right now PLUS:
I stepped on the scale and I’m five pounds OVER the number I cannot mention but have stayed at for an entire year. I have glaucoma and spent the morning having talks with my doctor and having stinging stuff put in my eye and facing the fact that on the day i can’t drive after the appt, i’m just going to sit in the car because I refuse to ask my 75 year old mother to drive me home. I’m single momming and deeply worried that I am not enough. For me, the anxiety of the covid era has WAY WAY exaggerated my low self-esteem and I heard myself talking to myself (yes, this is a thing) about how I didn’t know why I was taking this new job because I would do a crap job anyhow. (oh?) I’m in a new and very beginning stage dating situation which might not even be dating honestly and I can’t offload all this crap on him just yet. (see previous self-esteem problem).
Its truly all interwoven. And I’m just succumbing to it today. The kids are at their dad’s til 8 or so, so I can go take a bath and work on re-writing the thing thats been edited five times, again. Essentially I am removing my self and my writing voice from it, which is what I’ve been slowly realizing. Just erasing. bummer.
So there. thats a truth. I have enough. I give. I’m okay almost all the time. But I’m worn thin. We need to be holding hands right now, but a text message will do.
(not me. really, you don’t need to text me, i’m heading upwards. send a text to everyone on your list. do it.)
There is still joy. There is. Look at this photo. I’m the biggest goob you know, really. And the man who I’m doing all that re-editing for sent me a hundred bucks today because he knows how hard i’ve been working. I’m going to take a bath now. Breathe deep, my friend told me. Breathing interupts the anxiety/overwhelm. Just Breathe.