Humanity

These are the days of Bartleby.

I’m in therapy.

Hollah, situational depression!

And yesterday I asked to just do a half session because I was boring myself.

If that’s not hysterical, I don’t know what is. There could be an entire skit about this.

These are the days of Bartleby, I tell you. I’m still adjusting to the kids being in school full time, it is so weird to have the house empty all week, and it just keeps happening. I just joked that I kept eating all three lunches. I do crack myself up, depressed or not. Probably save myself a dozen times a day.

This is the third week in a row, of full time schooling, this year. I’ve had them home for a year, with me, growing right in front of my face. There will never be another year like this, I know. I miss the hungry buggers, it is so unsatisfying to have them gone all the time. so very. There is too much time in the day, and yes, I wish everyone else had this luxury and could show me how to handle it. I feel like the family dog, eddie. He’s morose now, with the kids gone all the time. Lots of depression sleeping, more than normal anyhow.

And I hope you know my titular reference, but in case.. Bartleby the Scrivener was a famous character in a Melville serial, famous for saying “I would prefer not to” and those around him were powerless to affect him in any way, because he just kept replying that way. Bartleby, please remove your things from this office…. make me some copies of this… for instance.

“I would prefer not to” is entirely descriptive of a mood that swings through me daily. I get up, I do my thing, I try to protect the hen-pecked chicken, (i’m really not sure she’s going to make it, i want to isolate her but I think that might make it worse- she could lose the few friends she has…) I water the plants, I tend, I tend. I do the things. I do. I even write, or think about writing, or talk about writing. I do. I text. I reach out, gently. But I don’t wanna. I am feeling the ‘force yourself’ of mild depression or pandemica or whatever this is. I’m tired of forcing myself. I want to feel the clarity of ‘I want to.’ and ‘this is fun’.

I’m not joyless or anything, not at all. I am still a beauty hunter and I see it all around me. it’s just not ‘moving me’ like it used to. I need to be dragged, and the ‘to-do’ list of errands and chores is not an effective hook.

side note: there is an actual robin’s nest outside my window, and I watch baby robin’s daily now. So, being depressed in the face of that miracle is really damn hard, so I deserve some kind of medal, right?

second side note: i am starting to make plans to see friends for coffee. so i am trying, actively. super-actively. well, for me.

GIVE ME A MEDAL! DRAG ME OUT OF MY FUCKING HOUSE!

no, i am not asking you to do that. I am just going to put it on the list, though. See if I can force myself through this shit.

(ehem. no thanks, I prefer not to.)

love love,

me

Bartleby, assessing the laundry.

Humanity

I fell off the world. (Depression post)

And I’m sure I will again.

I’ve got this sort of cyclical depression going on and I’m trying to figure it out. watching when things go south. I know its pandemica but the hills and valleys must still be lived through. And I’m already on antidepressants. So, I’ll be Holding my hand when I feel myself slipping downwards, taking a good hot bath. Reaching out very gently to friends who will yell or support, either is fine. I have a therapist, I do not feel a danger to myself. (dingding.)

I haven’t got work this week, like i said already. (God! I so hate repetitions. I’m almost afraid of them. Does it mean I’m/you’re not paying attention?! Apologies all around.)

Yesterday was full of things but I FELT morose, which is damn sucky. The things I say to myself are just incredibly vicious. So today I am being more pro-active about it. I will be reading, taking my herbalism class, making sure I am warm and well-fed, without judging myself for having leftover butterchicken at ten am. (Oh good god, it was so good. I will eat it again for dinner, and tomorrow too. Even the kids loved it. It just needed little almond slivers, which i forgot.)

Do I really need a job outside the house, just to battle this shit? Because how can I write at all if I do that? Why God, why did you have to make cinnamon gummy bears bad for me?

I’m off to a bath soon, and I did get to my writing group this morning, and maybe I’ll try to save my poor begonia instead of seeing it as proof of my suckitude. Aye? Depression can suck it today.

Give me a topic to write about. Seriously. I beg of you.

love love,

me.

Bowl of Pastel chalks on a rainy day.

Humanity

Friday, motherfuckers.

Its been a shit week, friends. And today will be long. Yesterday I took a nap in the middle of the day, and I think it was because I was upset still about conversations from Wednesday. The old memories cause bad dreams, wherein I fight for something I am doomed to fail at. (primarily my self-respect, hello?!) So I don’t sleep well, but sleeping in the middle of the day? This is a bad sign, for me. It makes me worry. I only left the house to do pickups at 4:30. Dinner had been prepared the day before otherwise these kids would’ve had takeout. Believe it or not, I just can’t afford to get takeout every time I’m bothered.

There are times when working at home is not all that easy.

This week I’ve had three days in a row with no kids here during school hours, and I haven’t even had to drive anyone to and from school. I think the schedule-less time is a challenge for me. I need a structure as much as I say the kids do. Yesterday, when I slept? I was supposed to be maintaining a certain number of words written in another project. I did not.

*And yes, I am gentle with myself and yes, I know it is a pandemic, still. So I make my coffee strong enough to peel my face off, I have a to-do list that will provide a certain amount of structure. I have a few animals to care for and a tax form to sigh at. I’m here, and I’m on it.

I’m going to spend some time today making a house list. What the hell are my plans for this place? Are plans just dreams? How can I get it to be a help to me instead of a millstone? I think I can do it, I’ve just got to make another list, I think.

*Its still a hard time, for all of us, and sometimes I feel like the weather change is actually hard. this spring stuff, because it takes me longer than I think it should to shuffle off my winter’s growth. I need the shearing first, and comfort is not as easy as taking off a winter coat. First its a risk to even remove it, right? Then there is the inevitable chill. The cold nose, the chapped fingers. I’m not ready.

so, yes, I’m fine. and its friday, which feels completely irrelevant to my life at this point. so fuck it.

Damn. bet you’re glad you read that one.

heh.

love you anyways, ya mugs.

-me.

grayscale photo of human face statue
Today, me. Photo by Jean Pierre on Pexels.com
Humanity

BLOAT. February.

its a snow day of sorts. everything is panicky shutting down but the kids still had ‘remote’ learning. i took two of us for covid tests today, because of exposures.

two of four. right?

i took us to fast food when it was all done and now i feel bloated, at all the ends, and does everyone feel like this but just forget each time? The only good thing about a quarter pounder is the pickle. and it even looked disgusting. but i still ate it.

its beautiful outside.

i haven’t written in three days and i’m fearful of letting it go any longer. The kids are embattled with each other today and I don’t know what its about, but maybe they’re responding to the food too.

the snow is so beautiful and the ground is too warm to let it stick, so driving is a pleasure and there is a feeling of cozy, even in the car.

i have my green tea with ginger waiting and i’m trying to work through my feelings and i’m tired of the way i seem to fling myself about. why can’t i just move sedately like adult people? i feel just a mass of limbs lately. today. today i feel that way, a pile of frog legs on the plate.

i’m too full.

bloat. february. bloat.

love love,

me.

Humanity

These things, January.

i’m not following a prompt, but they’ve been influencing me greatly these past two weeks.

what has?

these things.

  1. the creative minds of others. i’m just blown out of my space by these people. out of my orbit. How can they walk around with all this color and word-richness in their heads? How do they bear the weight?!
  2. I finished the big project today, and sent it off. shortly had a mini-meltdown of mood. its not the first time, and this past few weeks i was struck by how often i could feel myself at the top of a hill, spilling downwards like Jill. I couldn’t seem to stop it, and there it was, despair. great hairy balls of fire.
  3. my old college roommate (she’s old, not me) allows me to use her as an accountability partner on these big projects. I let her know each time i zoom past another thousand words. It makes such an enormous difference. really. Lets Hear it for KIM!! RAAAAH!!
  4. i love the winter, the darkness, the safety in staying home. BUT my kids are chafing, so very chafed. pandemica makes me not want them doing anything at all, and i do let them do things, and i have fears that i am killing people by doing this. i both see the irrationality and don’t, so don’t address it with me. the middle starts in-person this week and the eldest in two weeks. i want a complete and total freeze on the old people. no, zero. no.
  5. i made two lasagnas today, because i’ve been worried about my former in-laws. they will get one, yes, my father-in-law claims to love love love them. my mother in law is my best woman ever, and she is going into dementia and it hurts my whole body.
  6. holy fuck kim. i just did math. its been a long damn time.
  7. i’ve decided to suspend rational thought when it comes to men. yes, i have suspicions that mine and their wants are different. but now, i just want to deal with right now. i’m too tired to dwell in suspicion. its a thing i can just let go. i can always live in regret.
  8. tomorrow there will be a new president. and yes, i have been holding my breath for the past few weeks.
  9. all the cups are empty, and they are all over the house. Should i read into this?
  10. my middle kid has requested a peach tree. how damn cool is that? I am looking into it. For real. Peaches in the yard.

i love you guys. i’m really tired.

love love,

me .

Kate in the kitchen