My daughter has been full-court press on wanting to sleep in my bed with me, for the past week, and I’ve been too sick, and found it pretty easy to say ‘shutup go away, little precious pancake, leave me alone.’ but last night I was feeling well enough to give her the chance and it sucked, big monkey feces-throwing suck. So, a little setback.
But I’m here, I made it to the kitchen, into the day. One of my boys is officially done with quarantine today though he still has a big ugly cough. The other is still in bed, and he’ll go back to life on the fifteenth. The end is nigh.
I had therapy yesterday and unpacked my belief that being bored means I have no inner resources. My grandmother said that to me one time and I took it in so deeply that it has become one of the primary pillars of my self-worth. Which sucks, because frankly, there are many boring times, and my own self-judgement is pretty damn heavy-handed.
SO. what she posited to me was a change in perspective. Instead of imagining myself empty of resources and therefore the most pathetic thing on the planet, a scourge upon humanity…. I COULD imagine that my resources are being blocked, and if so, I could be curious about what it is that is blocking them.
HA on YOU. The resources are always there. Because that makes more sense then them just disappearing, right? Like, I am FULL of FUCKING RESOURCEFULNESS.
A WATERFALL OF FUCKING RESOURCE.
Being bored is just a sign that some little bitty part of me is staging a revolt and has blocked the flow. SO good goddamn, i need to track down the ittlebitty wonkum and knock him upside his noggin, get him or her out of the way.
If none of this makes sense, I’m blaming it on the level of mucous I’ve got going on. It may be brain matter that I am expelling at this point.
So- I’m on the hunt to investigate my own inner world, its a little bit fun, i’m not going to lie. Its a circus in there, and a manhunt, and so it makes a pretty good action movie. There’s even a waterfall. I’m predicting a cliffhanger.
I am though.
- lovelove you.