its been ages again. so be it.
i’ve had covid this week, the full monty of fever, knockedflat grossness that seems to be its hallmark for me. lost a week’s worth of salary and i’m not going to lie, thats fucking horrible right now. but so damn what. right? I mean, lottery tickets don’t seem to work for me and i’ve just got to figure it out. i did definitely come to the conclusion that I cannot be bored like this again, any time soon. i don’t like tv enough. the pandemic definitely cured me of that. i’ve been hearing a lot of echos of 2020 this week.
i did read two books. the better one was by kerry clare, which was a good good read, a lovely long-term friendship story between women and their ways of dealing with motherhood, fertility, reproductive choices and friendship. the ways we rely on each other in that deep, ‘like a rock’ way until things like life and mates and work make rocks float and we get all worried about where the rocks have gone, and then we find them again. There are a few lines and descriptions that will be staying with me for a long time.
(kerry is not paying me for such a concise and sharply worded synopsis.)
its just women, or maybe me. the ways i’ll dip in and out of consciousness about my friendships, but how deeply i believe in them is unaltered. hm. i’m sure men have some version of something similar, i just can only speak for what i know myself.
and motherhood? what a shitshow of change-ups. the ways we almost die, gather our strengths again and then stretch so thin we almost disappear and then re-gain perspective, and its over and over again, and are rewarded by kids who mostly leave without even knowing us.
(aha. do you think its the meds talking? i don’t know either but holy shit.)
sigh. I’m fine, really… but much older lately. Have one kid gone and uncommunicative 9/10 days, and one teenaged boy who is constantly and bitterly disappointed in me, and then a pre-teen lovebug who is going to shock and thrill me every day for a long time.
i’m figuring it out. as always. or maybe not. but i’m here for the ride.
miss me, miss me, now you gotta kiss me.