I’m constantly starting over.
(Or, thats how it feels)
I’m figuring things out, and I rarely get it on the first try. So, I go again.
I think that the writing I did on ‘I want’ prompt made me so unhappy because it became a litany of things I need. It had no magic in it, it had only dreams that were practical in nature, things that are dreams because they would ease hardships, or heat-related tomfoolery. There were nightmares there, and I basically disdain any list that has nightmares on it. Don’t you? Come on now.
I needed to change the language for myself. So herein: A WISH LIST. (its the ticket for me.)
- I wish I could incorporate all of the greens I see out my window directly into my soul. That’s the feeling I want to have. That wild euphoric variation. (better than ice cream by a thousand)
- I wish I could more fully communicate with the birds who live in the trees outside my window. I’d love to know what’s going on with them.
- I wish I could flip a switch when my brain gets rattled and worried about all the things and just get back to the green.
- I wish old houses had old faeries to fix all the things. Should I start putting milk out at night for them, in case they are here? (noel, i’m smiling at you.)
- I wish I had more patience to wait and see the zinnias. I’m dying man. (and the dahlias? COME ON. I can hardly stand it.)
I do think that my life so far has not been about what I wanted entirely, but I did have time at college and I did make choices when I was ridiculously young, that were about my own wants and joys. So, there is that. I was a real go-with-the-flow girl and so i rode the wave, swept here and there.
When I think about wanting and my ‘life’, I really think about the past decade, the marriage and divorce and ‘when does kate grow up?’ years. I still have this niggling feeling that I’m ‘supposed’ to be doing something else, that someone disapproves of what I’m doing, or its not enough, or I should have a ‘real’ direction. (all whispered)
So. A wish list.
6. I wish I could still ride the wave, and go with the flow. MORE. I wish to do it MORE.
Still figuring it out,
love love,
me.
****It’s the new moon today, so make your own list, what do you wish for? Its the day for setting new intentions!
#3 You can. It takes practice. When you notice that your brain is all caught up with worries, You can close your eyes, take a deep breath, relax, and refocus on the green, the prince of green, of peace. And repeat as necessary: breathe, relax, refocus on the green until you can feel it. Worries make you feel out of control so take control of your mind and do the above. You could also add “I am enough,” or “I am OK.” Repeat as needed until calm is achieved.