Off the cuff .

(the whole ‘in which i’ thing has died. i can’t sustain it. I love its format, but it is incompatible with today’s off the cuff nature. maybe it will resurrect later? No idea. Don’t hold your breath.)

i’ve got my coffee, i’ve got a prompt to follow, i’ve probably got another man i like who drinks too much. i’ve got a lot of thoughts today, and giant pauses in between them.

so, here is where i work it out, in the full glory of the public eye. (no, not everything. but still.)

1. wasted time. can time be wasted? lots of divorced people say they wasted their best years. because of my kids, i never say that. so, it wasn’t wasted and i don’t feel like my life ended. surprised? yes i am. . . and i also feel curious about what lies ahead of me all the time, even if its sometimes bleak, in my mood. wasted?
   its one of those things, that is a perspective shift. a personality trait. of course it wasn’t wasted time, it was just life. i think it was damaging to me, but i did the best i knew how and I got three amazing kids birthed and raised, so, wasted? no. difficult? yes. perspective.
2. i’m realizing how thought-filled i am, all the time. i mean, i suppose its not surprising to a reader, but maybe more specifically, i am realizing that it isn’t the norm. I spend too much time on my phone, like most people these days but in between that scrolling compulsion? I could just sit and stare for quite a long time and be fine.
3. alcohol. shit, man. a whole lot of people depend on it, a lot. I don’t have any frame of ‘normal’ in reaction to it. I actually ‘try’ to drink once in a while so that i can keep myself in the norm. isn’t that insane? it really kind of is. but i don’t see anything wrong with a glass of wine with dinner and i even appreciate it, as a nod to pleasure and deep appreciation of food. but lately i have been hungover from a single glass of wine, and i’m not willing to give up my mornings. — so what is it? what is this reliance born of habit and why are so many people who take care of themselves including it in their lives? is it the pleasure and appreciation i mentioned or is it the escapism that i also sometimes feel? when my kids are away and i go buy a can?! of watermelon margarita? (so classy) Its basically a swedish fish alcohol, which makes me laugh. so predictable.
   oh god, this is all so random. Escape. I think its about escape. (maybe i don’t have anything really to escape from anymore?)
4. The prompt was to make a list or write for ten minutes on what you say no to. I say no to lying, to looking like everyone else, to trying to. I say no to mean humor, at my table and in my kids. i say no to pretending i’m not mad. i say no to stupid thinking, easy ways out. i say no to kale. i say no to closed doors, unless i’m in the tub. i say no to littering.
5. I laugh at myself a lot. Littering? That was a fantastically glib ending to a ten second writing. i’m tired of alcohol being a thing in my life. i really am. And yet, life. There is nothing better than a cold beer with a hot slice. Nothing. I nod at it as I move about.
6. I’m trying to work out what my dreams for the future are. and I’m bumping into a lot of resistance to making a plan. or even writing down what the dreams are, (i have two big ones and even typing that is stupid scary) and it comes back to fear, in a big way. that the dreams are stupid, unreachable (for me, because i am stupid, you see.)
7. I am making a mental list of things I need to actually fix in my house. That will make me feel like a million bucks. I know it will.
8. Sigh. God bless you for reading. I don’t know how you do it, somedays.

ha. love love,

kate