Today is the anniversary of my father’s death. I’m not focusing on what I have lost, but on where I am winning.
BIG TIME WINNING.
- I’ve already had some minutes of kitchen dancing, trying to untie my knots. arms flinging. mostly soundtracked by pharrell.
- I’ve got a new cup of coffee and its not bad. I’ve cleaned the counter behind the coffee maker and under the toaster. I’m winning.
- I’ve taken my antidepressants. also winning.
- am realizing I need to take care of my eyes better, and that might mean I fork out money for the glasses from the eye glass place, which galls me to no end. I just want to yell schiester! all the time, and I’m pretty sure my grip on yiddish is nonexistent and i don’t know how to spell that.
- I’m reading a book called Invisible City by Julia Dahl which takes places all around a Hasidic community in New York, so I’m an expert on Yiddish now. (#4 and #5 are slightly contradictory, i know. but facts are irrelevant.) Its good, by the way, the main character is a plucky smart barfly reporter, with ties to the community that she’d rather ignore. I bet she’s going to help solve the murder, but I’m just a quarter in. dig it.
- This year is the first time in my life I will not be seeing my extended family for the weekend after Thanksgiving. IN MY LIFE. (Unless I was in a foreign country.) This is a big deal. You and me both, probably. It makes me a little sick. But I’m winning, somehow, because I will take the kids for a walk on the beach no matter what the fucking weather, because I fucking want to and pneumonia is NOTHING at this point. except that I’d have to treat it at home. whatever. WINNING.
- fucking hell, I don’t feel like it.
- I always fight against the anniversary of his death day, even when it was happening I was saying, no, no, we have to celebrate his BIRTHDAY, not this. not this. But its inevitable, and I carry it every November. ten days after the last photo I have of him, at my daughter’s first birthday. Sigh. Fucking fuck.
- I tried to drink heavily last night but made it through half a can of drink and was feeling wasted, so stopped. I think it was maybe 7 pm. I am just no good at the drinking heavily. I love my mornings, see? except maybe today. But that there is a lie. I even like today’s morning, its gorgeous, and I should really take care of the chickens.
- I keep looking around the yard, seeing the stuff that needs to be done before real winter. who the hell am i? when did this happen? I also deal with the fact that I might be one of those people who end up with a rusting out car in the yard, because I just can’t muster up the energy to make it matter. I did put the grill away though. So there. ( I hope I never end up with a car in my yard, I mean, couldn’t I sell it or something? )
Sigh. Guys. Not my best work, I grant you. Here’s to today. rah.