*i spent yesterday going through one old journal, making notes, writing down things that i thought were remarkable. Today’s post title got me right in the chest. i think everyone should write about it.
My heart is in the shape of a walnut again. In my older blogs I wrote about my walnut heart many times, in many ways, and all of my worries about it, what it might mean and all the things, all of them.
When I realized this week that I was feeling the pain of it, the hardness in the center of my self, the hurt I am carrying, I realized I had been years without it, and I’m not sure I remarked on that enough. Maybe I didn’t even know my lightness had returned? Is that possible?
My mother-in-love will die very soon, and is definitely in another phase of existence even now. My favorite mentor for decades, I am deep in grief these days and it has been almost unbearable to recognize the walnut as grief.
Was I really grieving the marriage all that time? All those jokes, that mistake of identifying myself as cold, or hard-hearted? Grief? Really? It makes me weep for the woman I have been.
I am deep in the midnight, and the dawn and all the places where there are cracks, I am in there.