How much midnight do you carry?

*i spent yesterday going through one old journal, making notes, writing down things that i thought were remarkable. Today’s post title got me right in the chest. i think everyone should write about it.

My heart is in the shape of a walnut again. In my older blogs I wrote about my walnut heart many times, in many ways, and all of my worries about it, what it might mean and all the things, all of them.

When I realized this week that I was feeling the pain of it, the hardness in the center of my self, the hurt I am carrying, I realized I had been years without it, and I’m not sure I remarked on that enough. Maybe I didn’t even know my lightness had returned? Is that possible?

My mother-in-love will die very soon, and is definitely in another phase of existence even now. My favorite mentor for decades, I am deep in grief these days and it has been almost unbearable to recognize the walnut as grief.

Was I really grieving the marriage all that time? All those jokes, that mistake of identifying myself as cold, or hard-hearted? Grief? Really? It makes me weep for the woman I have been.

I am deep in the midnight, and the dawn and all the places where there are cracks, I am in there.

love love,


3 thoughts on “How much midnight do you carry?”

  1. A friend asked me to watch The Lost Daughter as she had questions about it she wanted to ask. I couldn’t find it on Netflix, so I Googled it. Saw a trailer and read some summaries. So glad I didn’t watch the movie. That’s my midnight. I can no longer watch movies about childhood neglect and abuse, adultery, relationships gone bad, pain, suffering, and hopelessness. I have heard enough of these stories, been witness to the teller’s pain and suffering, and I have had enough. Sorry to disappoint my friend, but I have to defend the human limits of my battered, sensitive, resilient core. Occupational hazard. My midnight.

  2. Oh Kate, I am so sorry to hear it. Still sometimes surprised to find myself without my mother-in-law and then I think how remarkable it is to have had such a great one. Sending lots of love from one walnut-hearted gal to another. Xo

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