what’re you up to now that the world has shut down?
in truth, so far, about once a week I have a complete sobbing meltdown. the fear, the anxiety, the worry for the kids, for LM, for my mom and for everysingleperson.
LM is here, as he has severely compromised lungs and my place is best for not being full of germshare.
my kids dad doesn’t believe in the benefits of social isolation, so gave them to friends for a sleepover a little over a week ago. he does not have much respect for my being an informed adult and seems to think i am a hysteric who gets her news from gossip.
so i am doing all that i can when i can and cursing his soul. i hope he feels it. and yes, i am a little kidding, and some of me is not kidding at all.
and then there is hope. because, as hard as it is for me to believe, beneath all the layers of fear, anxiety, cynicism, despair, niggling worries, fear of schooling my children and deep betrayal lies a golden molten core of beauty and brilliant LIGHT that, evidently, cannot be dimmed.
and so she SHINES.
sometimes. when the night is dark and dreary, she flashes. and i’m seeking her out, and holding hands, and
SEEKING HER OUT.
and i think it is saving me, and so there is that.
and i’m hoping to re-enter this world here more often. but lets not hold our breaths.
I can’t tell you what it is like to have ‘hints’ of devastation. i mean, devastation is shattering, life-ending, altering, forever changed, yes? and, ‘hint’ doesn’t seem to match or belong in that deeper stone-sinking way. the simple sink of stone.
i’ve been having a head cold. Oh my god, you think, this fool is talking about a cold? In this world? In this time? Coronavirus, Flu, Corporations as People, Trump? These things that are killing us, in so many ways? And she is on about a cold?
yes. My ears, (history here.) … or the one ear that is an option, have been inconsistent. There is some kind of infection in my one working ear. I’m on my second string of azithromycin and prednisone and it doesn’t seem to be effective. I can’t get in to my new primary doctor until july. Health insurance won’t cover the ENT without a referral. I’m devastated by the financial shitshow of health insurance.
I’m operating at lip-reading level and lips to ears level with the kids. I don’t completely want to leave the house for anything because I am feeling very vulnerable to accident and mistake. (not physical accidents as when i drive deaf i am paying attention in a way you hearing people cannot fathom. think, superhero strength attention. i almost always need a nap afterward.)
the whole world is draped in the heavy blanket of your wintery dreams. It is heavy, and I feel clouded as I walk. The light begins to hurt. I feel sad when I can’t figure out what my kids are talking about. you know, they keep talking anyway, and its just a whole lot of life that is missed. and there isn’t anything i can do about it. the conversation is just lost. The brush with depression is instantaneous and many of my lesser demons of self-worth start waving their fucking arms like Kermit.
I’m wearing my hearing aide, but its basically useless. It gives me the higher tones, so i can hear the crying of the overtired seven-year-old in my midst, or the singing of my 12. And believe me, both are precious to me right now, though i do assign proper value. heh.
i actually have two meeting-new-people things this week and i’m freaking jibbering with nerves because its literally the worst possible scenario. not only am i not at my best, i am actually at incompetent.
and i’m going to do it anyways. because i am 45, and i am too reclusive, and even my worst self needs to get out and see human beings. i’m not entirely sure that those human beings will feel the same certainty, but we will all be okay.
I’m going to vote for Elizabeth Warren today. I understand that Bernie is ahead, but in all truth, I think Warren could actually DO a million and one things to make the world a better, more equitable place for the majority of American citizens.
So, there are pings for desperation. and pings for hope. We’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed, again and again, that spring will come, that strength will return to our democracy and that the crisis will pass.
i will hear again, and the light will Light ME. Tis the season, right?
I’m in ache. I’m in spiral. I’ve got an ear infection that has knocked my hearing down to need-to-lipread levels. Not hearing makes me quake and quiver with fear and rage. But. the infection has been keeping me up at night so exhaustion is throwing a blanket over everything. I’m on meds now, thank you ex, and …
and I’m so thankful for this body that I have. The legs which kick and stride. The mouth that yells and loves in lockstep with the hands that gesture and hold.
and when I have a lover, I love my curves and sways and folds. nakedness is the most beautiful thing. and oh my goodness, it is appreciated. and that is GLORIOUS.
and when I am in mothermode, I love what this body has made, what these folds and wings have grown.
and i’m still going to the gym, because i need the action of challenging my heart to beat faster. not in fear or anxiety, but in body love. LOVE.
I’m trying to get more in touch with it. Maybe think about what pieces have not literally been touched (although LM is really taking care of that business lately, and always) …
The no-winter and the coming spring are also on my mind. the growth, the strength needed to withstand inconsistency, needed to push out of the ground. these are the things I need to have in my container.
the boy who was utterly smashed by sickness this week is sitting with me at the kitchen table this morning, after having slept for almost 14 hours. he asked me if being a mother was hard. I say, “Sometimes… but it is, mostly, the never knowing what you’ll get that is hard. sometimes it is yelling, sometimes it’s sick. you never know” and the secret is, that’s what makes it great too. You never know what you’re going to get. Those glory days sneak in on you and just APPEAR, in the midst of all the laundry. The orgasm that catches you off guard and throws you off the cliff.
It’s all worthwhile and my body has carried me, the whole way. I’ve got my own Samwise, flaws and all.
