Ping. Hearing Loss, for the Ping.

I can’t tell you what it is like to have ‘hints’ of devastation.  i mean, devastation is shattering, life-ending, altering, forever changed, yes? and, ‘hint’ doesn’t seem to match or belong in that deeper stone-sinking way.  the simple sink of stone.

i’ve been having a head cold.  Oh my god, you think, this fool is talking about a cold? In this world? In this time? Coronavirus, Flu, Corporations as People, Trump? These things that are killing us, in so many ways? And she is on about a cold?

yes.  My ears, (history here.) … or the one ear that is an option, have been inconsistent. There is some kind of infection in my one working ear.  I’m on my second string of azithromycin and prednisone and it doesn’t seem to be effective.  I can’t get in to my new primary doctor until july.  Health insurance won’t cover the ENT without a referral.  I’m devastated by the financial shitshow of health insurance.

I’m operating at lip-reading level and lips to ears level with the kids.  I don’t completely want to leave the house for anything because I am feeling very vulnerable to accident and mistake. (not physical accidents as when i drive deaf i am paying attention in a way you hearing people cannot fathom. think, superhero strength attention. i almost always need a nap afterward.)

the whole world is draped in the heavy blanket of your wintery dreams. It is heavy, and I feel clouded as I walk. The light begins to hurt. I feel sad when I can’t figure out what my kids are talking about. you know, they keep talking anyway, and its just a whole lot of life that is missed. and there isn’t anything i can do about it. the conversation is just lost.  The brush with depression is instantaneous and many of my lesser demons of self-worth start waving their fucking arms like Kermit.

I’m wearing my hearing aide, but its basically useless. It gives me the higher tones, so i can hear the crying of the overtired seven-year-old in my midst, or the singing of my 12. And believe me, both are precious to me right now, though i do assign proper value. heh.

i actually have two meeting-new-people things this week and i’m freaking jibbering with nerves because its literally the worst possible scenario. not only am i not at my best, i am actually at incompetent.

and i’m going to do it anyways. because i am 45, and i am too reclusive, and even my worst self needs to get out and see human beings. i’m not entirely sure that those human beings will feel the same certainty, but we will all be okay.

I’m going to vote for Elizabeth Warren today. I understand that Bernie is ahead, but in all truth, I think Warren could actually DO a million and one things to make the world a better, more equitable place for the majority of American citizens.

So, there are pings for desperation. and pings for hope. We’ll just have to keep our fingers crossed, again and again, that spring will come, that strength will return to our democracy and that the crisis will pass.

i will hear again, and the light will Light ME.  Tis the season, right?