Humanity

JOY LIST. (February, of course.)

I’m positive there is a part three coming, but this is an interlude, to reassure my lovely friends, neighbors and sister, that I’m fine, just overly thoughtful and occasionally morose. 🙂 I’m fine. (and i adore you, so thank you for reminding me of that adoration.)

Here is my joy. Mostly from yesterday, because today is still new.

  1. The ways that the sun will make a 20 degree day somehow feel sparkly, clean and not deathly.
  2. The way your lungs feel when you walk out in it, quickly, so much cleansing going on. The lungs are happy.
  3. Choosing to wrap a blanket around my shoulders rather than turn up the heat. Makes me feel old and wise, and that’s a fine feeling today.
  4. Pouring out the sweet alcohol drink that I had last night that gave me a headache this morning. My mornings are more valuable than that. The sugar rush is not worth it.
  5. When bundled up, I feel like a mystic, a fortune teller, a rotund mystic of laughter and possibility. (i think this is part of why i’m so much more myself in winter)
  6. All the amaryllis are putting up greens except one, poor thing. I’ve decided to stop watering him. But all that green!! I’m so hopeful.
  7. the kids are gone now through Monday. I’m not at all sure that I won’t cry during the empty spots. But I’m good with crying, I am. And it is good for me, a challenge that I will survive. (look, it made a joy list after all, the kids are deliriously happy right now, and i wouldn’t ever take that away)
  8. The kitchen table is cleared off, and man, it seems so simple, but that’s a real joy to me. Ok, there ARE things on the table, but a jug of fading flowers and a circle of candles, wait. and a seed catalog and the watering can. but man, for me, that is cleared off. (does this worry any of you type A’s?) laughing.
  9. More snow came last night, just enough to coat things again. And I’m going to meet a friend for burgers and fries tonight. I’ve been trying to eat healthy and I’m just hungry all the time and so a burger and fries might provide the inspiration I need. I think I may be going about this in a backwards fashion. but FRENCH FRIES!! THEY ARE A THING OF GREAT GREAT JOY!!
  10. Last night I ate some chocolate that I bought for my kid’s late valentine celebration. I felt really guilty for many reasons, but then realized that I can buy candy for them ON SALE! CANDY ON SALE!! A GREAT GREAT JOY!! (also, possibly problematic- but this is a joy list, thats it. nothing more. look away.)

kitchen tables and candy, thats what its all about.

love love,

me.

fried potatoes
French fries in a bowl . . . Photo by Dzenina Lukac on Pexels.com

Humanity

Feather me February

part two.

i’m an introvert. yes. what this means for me is that i can’t do small talk very well. i end up clamming up sooner than most people can understand. not because i hate you, just because i’m out of words. if you want me to ask a relative stranger something incredibly invasive but thought-filled, i can do that, and i’m comfortable with that. i hate skimming the surface, and i love the depths.

now add in my hearing loss? and i’m an absolute winner at social engagement. the poor people i am involved with. i can feel intimately connected to women who have children that I know and they may not know my name. but i know them, because i’ve watched how they speak to their kids, how their kids expect the world to be, how they are when they are sitting quietly watching a baseball game. Because I can’t hear much, my observation skills are HIGH, mammajammas. HIGH. Doesn’t mean I can’t be fooled, but they are HIGH.

so here i come to what makes up part two, which is connected to part one.

I can get dreamy. I can spend lots and lots of time in quietude, even in a crowd. I watch, and live on the outside of things fairly often.

I can also feel invisible sometimes.

And since I have had relationships like that, where i was actually invisible, it is something I worry about. I get too wrapped up in what other people need and want. I need to be sure that my role in my own life is the primary one. How do I acknowledge that without feeling selfish? Even typing it, I am imagining the moms and women around me judging me.

and the moms and women around me are better than that.

but this is the thing, the tether ball pole standing awkwardly next to the tennis courts. If I am likely to disappear into my own world, my own mind, how can I keep from disappearing in real life? How can I stop feeling temporary? How can I make myself stay?

a feather, to be tethered.

sigh.

-me

gray shiny feathers on black background
Photo by Takeshi Arai on Pexels.com
Humanity

Tether. February melt.

I have got to call this a part one.

because it is just too broad, and while I am not exactly known for complete packages of ponderings, I know this one will have many ripples for me.

So. The last week or so sucked. And while there were specific causes and effects and all that stuff, one of the things that came up for me was how temporary everything is. all of it. life too, but all of it. people, feelings, snowstorms, seasons. everything. It all just keeps happening, and going.

and all the ways in which I have felt temporary for a long time. I certainly thought marriage was forever but no. other ways too though. I watch my kids and am achingly aware all the time of how temporary it all is. Every hug, every laugh, every yell and eye roll. Every secret they keep. All of it. The things I will not know about, maybe ever. The dinners I make. The laundry. the laundry. It is too much with me, this feeling of soon-to-lose. Maybe soon-to-change is better. Is it grief that I’m feeling, before its time? Real grief is a sledgehammer, so i do hope i’m not borrowing that. What a mistake that would be.

At the end of my marriage I was definitely vacant. It started very early on, I think, when I realized how far down a priority list I was, but I was in it, I was willing, I could wait, I had faith, so much of it. So I was in it, lying in the muck but so deeply attached. It was going to change, it would. I could wait.

And then something shifted. I don’t know what it was, but I needed a break or I was going to die. I was too far into the muck I think and it was too hard to breathe. To this day, I’m not sure I was in charge at that time. I have no real memory of hitting bottom, or making such a conscious choice. But I did.

Back to the present: I feel like the awareness of it all hurts me right now. Like, I am missing what I am staring at, while trying to memorize every moment at the same time. There is a sweep of melancholy in me that is staying. What do I do of this? about this?

I don’t have the faith anymore. Its gone along with the marriage and the vacancy. Long gone, really. I’m out of the fucking mud. But how do you approach living without the tether? There needs to be something which ties me to the ground so that I don’t float off next time I round a corner. What do I tie down to?

Its an ache. *

love love,

me.

**No amount of cinnamon bears fills that. or tater tots. or even sex. i tell you from experience.
Humanity

Oh February.

NOT MY FAVORITE.

This past week was ‘not my favorite’. Its what i’ve taught my kids to say about dinner if they hate it. Because it incenses me to make something and have them tell me that they hate it. IF they can learn one thing, it is that they need to not inflame their mother.

So this week, my brain has been blown to smithereens. I was awash with disappointment and blown into pieces. i can just now sense the beginnings of it reforming. I was sad, i was distracted. I was so disappointed and disheartened. I cried in front of my kids and my sensitive one told me I am always sad. So i raged and yelled, because that is totally rational.

well, it wasn’t quite rage. But i WAS mad, because i could see that it is not true. And what my kids think of me really matters to me, not as a fact, but as a reflection. How am i doing with my life? How am I processing my emotions? I’m rarely sad, so what is it that he was seeing?

In truth? He was seeing that he is worried about me sometimes, because he thinks I am lonely. His dad is getting married again this next fall and I think he wants that for me. And while I’m pretty certain I don’t understand getting married anymore, like, at all… and i can’t stop myself from mocking a third marriage. ( i try, i can’t stop myself. damnit. i try! I really goddamn do. best i get is just to keep my mouth shut.) I do understand where he is coming from, my sensitive one.

So, it was not my favorite. I don’t especially like feeling sad and not getting my work done. I’ve not worked on my project at all this week and i was worried about my kids, and now its a snowstorm and the kids are all home, still. but! i can literally feel things re-knitting. and there is time coming where i will be alone for four days straight. and if i can manage it, i might be able to crank back up to speed on the writing.

I’m also trying not to eat candy, and it is killing me. I’m seriously twitching for a cinnamon bear. twitching.

I also discovered I have a friend I didn’t really know I had. So, thats pretty sweet. AND, I found out a friend of mine who is seriously compromised is getting vaccinated today. and I let out a deep sigh of relief. These things are pretty much more important than a wave of sadness. these are sunny days on the beach, and i’m all in.

so there. and this.

love love,

on my way back up.

me.

From the summer… but yeah, baby.

Humanity

fuckit february, fuckit.

my understanding of people is entirely suspect and i should not be allowed out in society.

hmm. that was the headline of today’s journal entry. So I decided to leave. Because I do not want to dwell in that space. and I have the choice.

So, after taking my kid for his covid test, i bought myself some beautiful roses. a full dozen for twelve dollars, so i figure i am maintaining my thrift. they are white and yellow. i’m happy with the yellow and unsatisfied with the white. what is it about the white? i feel they are so funereal somehow, too many lilies in my life i guess. I am going to leave that perversion of color too.

I’m leaving. I’m leaving my mean inner voice for someone better. I’m leaving my self-doubt and self-recrimination for a nice hot bath. I’m just fucking walking away. Enough already. I might even turn the music on extra loud. Beatles maybe?

Maybe i should wait til the boys are done with school so they can hear and all that.

fuckit.