Humanity

I fell off the world. (Depression post)

And I’m sure I will again.

I’ve got this sort of cyclical depression going on and I’m trying to figure it out. watching when things go south. I know its pandemica but the hills and valleys must still be lived through. And I’m already on antidepressants. So, I’ll be Holding my hand when I feel myself slipping downwards, taking a good hot bath. Reaching out very gently to friends who will yell or support, either is fine. I have a therapist, I do not feel a danger to myself. (dingding.)

I haven’t got work this week, like i said already. (God! I so hate repetitions. I’m almost afraid of them. Does it mean I’m/you’re not paying attention?! Apologies all around.)

Yesterday was full of things but I FELT morose, which is damn sucky. The things I say to myself are just incredibly vicious. So today I am being more pro-active about it. I will be reading, taking my herbalism class, making sure I am warm and well-fed, without judging myself for having leftover butterchicken at ten am. (Oh good god, it was so good. I will eat it again for dinner, and tomorrow too. Even the kids loved it. It just needed little almond slivers, which i forgot.)

Do I really need a job outside the house, just to battle this shit? Because how can I write at all if I do that? Why God, why did you have to make cinnamon gummy bears bad for me?

I’m off to a bath soon, and I did get to my writing group this morning, and maybe I’ll try to save my poor begonia instead of seeing it as proof of my suckitude. Aye? Depression can suck it today.

Give me a topic to write about. Seriously. I beg of you.

love love,

me.

Bowl of Pastel chalks on a rainy day.

Humanity

Lost, Alone, and a list.

I don’t have a paid job this week and so i’m a bit adrift. I finished up my project early so its supposed to be a good thing, a break. but i’m just freaking morose.

I know the NYTimes had labeled it Languishing. but its not right, I’m sorry, the fruitlessness, the vagurey of this time has some words of its own, and its more than that. the recognition of a deep dissatisfaction. the recognition, further, that there is nothing you are truly willing to do to change it?

gowd.

so here is a list of what i have done today, because it is all about clinging to sanity here.

  1. I have gotten three kids to school, with a very small amount of frustration or verbal list-making… i.e. do you have your cleats, your glove, are there socks on your feet?
  2. I have checked a half dozen times on the new pullets i got last week. they are holding their own against the older hens, for now.
  3. I have watched a chicken jump almost six feet straight up to escape the run that I have been fixing up all weekend. Motherfucker.
  4. I have done laundry that is all my own, and some of theirs and they’ll be able to turn in last season’s uniforms freshly laundered. Believe me, i have given that as a gift to another mother.
  5. I have put the dishwasher through.
  6. I made tonight’s dinner already because its bubbling in the crockpot. Butter chicken, babies. If you are not familiar with Indian Food, then just please come visit me. This is my first time making this and aside from collecting the spices initially, it was super easy. I am very much ready to eat it now. it is only 3:30 in the afternoon.
  7. I’ve eaten so much sugar in the past two weeks that I’ve messed up all my intestinal, internal floras and faunas and so now I am on an antibiotic which means I cannot have any alcohol. So of course it is all I can think about. Tomorrow is the last day.
  8. I’ve watched an episode of Alone. I can’t function while cold, I don’t know how these men and women do it.
  9. I have applied the beauty-fying face cream. Not holding my breath.
  10. I’ve arranged for my dog to be played with this weekend while i have a beautiful 24 hour escape with my sister. unprecedented.
  11. And here, this. Adrift

Leaving marks in the wilderness,

kate

brown pie on brown wooden tray
Not my naan, not my dinner, Photo by Saveurs Secretes on Pexels.com
Humanity

Bossy pants: mom, sister.

This title is completely and utterly misleading, fyi.

Today my teenager momentarily refused to go to school. Out and out refused to get out of bed.

Yes, I reacted strongly. And I reacted like I was dealing with my brother thirty years ago. My teen was actually righteously enraged that I thought he was ‘serious’, which of course, is debatable. (He was refusing to get out of bed. WTF?)

My brother was a ‘delinquent’ of sorts. When you love someone, the words have a different meaning, and empathy is always a part of everything, which makes it all complicated like it is. So even the ‘delinquent’ has to be qualified somehow. I spent a lot of my teen years trying to control or mediate with him, between him and consequence. Throwing away his cigarettes, paying him to stay home, turning the attention to myself so it would relieve the attention on him? Yes. Did any of it work at all? No. The feeling of uselessness is strong. Useless, helpless, fruitless. Those. SO.

The level of panic I had this morning at my teenager was intense. It occurred to me to call the police, friends. For real. Did he go to school? Yes, totally. Ate breakfast with his brother and tolerated a sincere hug from me. I had a chance to explain some of my reactions and a little bit of my history, and apologize for my panic and rage. Not for yelling, but for the level of it.

He was still mortally offended. (I’m sad he felt that way going off to school but basically he was a turd and he got called out, so whatever.) He got out of bed when I told him I was going to disassemble his computer. And I would have sold it for parts. For real. All the way through.

I’m still shaken now, trying to process the panic through my body, the panic that is a fear that things are spiralling, that the tight control I have on my family is unravelling, that they will all be in mortal danger if I don’t hold it all so tightly. The trick is, you have to actually let go of it, and let consequences happen. And that is very hard to face.

( I do not think my kid will end up in a crack den because of today’s activities. My brother did not. He’s a good, mature guy now. But he was kicked out of the house for a good bit of time, into the foster system.)

so there is today’s parenting boys moment. and its still coursing through me, a good 90 minutes later.

Whoosh, baby.

love love, me.

One beautiful eye.
Humanity

I’m here, I’m here. Drinking coffee substitutes, if that gives you any idea of how its going.

This is the first week in a year that all three kids have been in school for the whole week. (although its thursday and maybe i shouldn’t press my luck.)

Last week was school vacation as I think I told you and I barely got any work done, so this week I’ve been playing a lot of catch up, on everything, laundry, cleaning, food, all of it. I’ve been alone for most of the days and I’ve not been leaving to run errands at all, hardly. Its given me time to notice my loops. Which sucks, believe me.

There are three kid items on the schedule tonight and no time in between to come home, and so dinner is on the road, through a window. Its raining though, so I’m hopeful (don’t tell the kids) that something will be cancelled. Please. Anything. Any one of them. Just a little more rain. (don’t tell the effervescent children who love to run and leap outside. Their mother is a turd.)

I’m trying to figure out how to get my energy to level out a little. I tend to be completely out of energy before noon, and its a struggle to get to two, three when I’m on driving duty for kids. Then I’m good, but down again before dinner. Its loopy. My caffeine intake has gone up and up and I’m just burning my teeth out of my mouth at this point.

So I’m working it, I’m down to one cup of caffeinated coffee in the morning, and I’m working to find a hot drink alternative for my afternoons, preferably something beneficial to me. I’ve gotten two recommendations that I am trying currently, though only one that is in house so far. Teeccino is a tea-bag like drink with herbs but tastes a lot like motel room coffee. So, okay. I tried the dark roast first, because i’m a dark roast girl. Its made of dandelion and chickory and I really don’t mind it. My health food store had it for $6.99 for ten bags, so not prohibitive.

The other is Dandy Blend, which I haven’t tried yet. I’ll let you know when I know. Its arriving by mail, because I’m so shishi.

Its a debate for me. How much do I want the taste of coffee? Can my body do anything else at five in the morning besides brew coffee? I’m not sure, and I’m a little afraid to get in her way at that hour.

Don’t talk to me at five in the morning, I’m just saying. I just don’t recommend it.

Okay. This felt like a ‘have to’ today, because I’m a little out of whack. I’m humming sweet caroline, which is annoying me.

(sorry)

-love love

Humanity

A list. B list. C list. Love and Fear it.

IF its not cup size, I just don’t care, guys.

A list, for me. Because I need to get the swing back in my hips.

What do I love? What am I scared of? What do I love…

  1. I love the ellipses… the dangle, the possibility of surprise, and the more, more, more…
  2. I’m scared that I’m not doing enough for my kids, that my predilection to let them do stuff on their own is just laziness and that they’ll compare me so unfavorably to their dad who is so flawed, but ‘fun’.
  3. I love the ups and downs and whoopsadaisys. I wish there were more ups right now. But I’m in it for the longhaul, I am. Whoopsadaisy.
  4. I’m scared of a lot of things. I have these ‘great ideas’ but kind of want to give them to someone else to do. I have a hard time overcoming myself. Anyone want to come to a writing workshop at my house? and pay for it? Yeah, me too.
  5. I love fish and chips. with vinegar, and with ketchup. and tartar sauce. its been ages. AGES.
  6. I’m afraid I will never read all the books I have staring at me. The library is starting to smoke its anger at me. I just can’t stop. Anyone want to do a giant bookswap in July? My yard. Tables and tables. Bring yours.
  7. I love my body, I really do. Its pretty damn amazing. Its larger right now than it is meant to handle, and I’m adjusting to that very slowly. (Do not give me advice or pointers on this because I will seriously resent you and probably never forget it, either.)
  8. I’m afraid that I’ll never stop comparing myself to other people and intellectually I realize it is fruitless and entirely imaginary, but goddamn, I haven’t found the trick to stopping yet.
  9. I love my body, did I say that yet? Damn, she is a hot one.
  10. I’m afraid I won’t get used to being alone. I’m working on it.

I’m working on all of it. Taking it apart. Getting it together. All with jazz hands. (No.)

love love,

me.

fried meat beside sliced lemon and white mustard
Fish and Chips. Photo by Valeria Boltneva on Pexels.com