Humanity

I like being busy.

I know. Its with a certain amount of chagrin that I say this, knowing how I’ve been complaining these past few weeks.

My projects wrapped up. and while there is a tiny thing I could do, I’m finding myself utterly at a loss and swept away by emotions. I do blame perimenopause for some of it, yes, but not all.

working for myself, at home, is not an easy gig.

i’m thinking i might go binge on the walking dead, because i can hide from the gratuitous gore and just hang on to the mystery of who is going to survive or what will ever cause things to get better. (i’m on season six somewhere so don’t say a word.)

the kids are also away this weekend and i’ve had them for the past two, so there is this gaping maw sensation. I’ve got some entertainment in my social life these days but i’m thinking i’m going to take the weekend off from that too. and so, its just me, and tv.

never fear. i’ve got a crockpot going and have fed the chickens and things look normal from the outside. but still. this month. tsk.

Its nice to think about cooking good food. I’ve been assigned brussel sprouts and butternut. Plus, mashed potatoes. All will be well. I can actually just live on those, anyhow, so we’re good.

love you guys. hope your search for food will be fulfilled.

-lovelove

My ladies, of Flying Carrot Farm
Humanity

Whelp.

I just did some counting, and it looks like I missed a day. How flipping weird. Now it may be two, I don’t know.

So, there it is, the truth comes out. I’m going to soldier on though, and do what I can to make it solidly to the end of the month. If I’m a little broken, so what? Its where the light gets in, its where the repair makes it stronger, all those things. All of ’em.

I’M IN IT TO WIN IT, goddamnit.

The kids have a half-day today and I just finished my second project and turned it in a day early. I feel like it is time to go wild at the grocery store and buy myself some goddamned ringdings.

But first I am throwing my kid on the mercy of the lady at the supercuts. and i will walk away while he is shorn and all will be well. today is the kind of beautiful day that means I can’t even tolerate typing here, and I’m running off right now to go look at what I have to do to my dahlias. boom boom my friends,

enjoy it,

love love.

close up of dahlia blooming outdoors
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Humanity

okay okay

here we are: the otherside.

I’ve completed the hardest of my projects for this week, and i’m basking. Just momentarily, but still. And, a birthday is completed, and I can’t tell you how glad I am. And the cactus in the houseplant section of my kitchen are blooming. and there is joy in mudville. and tomorrow I get to go feed the chickens again. and that is invigorating. so much so.

so, its not necessarily the otherside, but its well down the path towards it. I can see those greener pastures of january first, i can.

there will be bumps, this is guaranteed.

I’m a bump-ridden kind of girl. But also, I’m a bump rider. I throw my hands up when the car goes over the tracks and I love the thump of my base when I hit the speedbumps. SO.

I wrote this morning about what is in my fridge and how I’m sadly familiar with the liquifaction of zucchini. and thats a bump, but i’m waving my arm around like I just don’t care. Can you see me? More liquid magic for the compost heap, baby.

And, determination. So much determination that maybe next year, I’ll even plant zucchini, just to prove it to myself that there is a way, somehow, someway, to get my kids to eat it. There is. I will lazerpoint my steely eyes on those children and watch them with glee when it happens to them.

The zuke.

(whats funny is that most of my writing this morning had to do with myself being a ‘pantser’ style (by the seat of your pants) writer, a writer without a plan who gets an idea and just runs. This post is a perfect example of the problem with pantsing. No doubt you did not expect the first sentence to lead you through this journey. Neither did I. I’m just along for the ride, like you.)

And herein lies the problem with this every day thing… no, no, i’m not going to say it, or type it, or even think it anymore.

i’m just going on faith here that if you read it, you’ll find something in it that you like. go digging. find something.

maybe my kids won’t need me to play hide the zucchini.

and because I think that sentence is so funny and leads to so much joy and hysteria, i’m going to stop right there.

love you guys. dig for it.

-kate

pexels-photo-128420.jpeg
Photo by Angele J on Pexels.com
Humanity

Grraaaargh.

I’m writing this post in a weirdly selfish type of way. its a checklist item and i’m doing it to prove a point to myself, that i can do work , and tons and tons of it, and still type here.

i’m doing tons and tons of work today . The birthday happened. I did not punch anyone. I allowed the ‘nextwife’ to partake and I didn’t even fucking kick her in the balls, not even once.

she’s probably totally nice (not probably) but because she doesn’t have any kids she doesn’t have any idea what it takes for me to be gracious in this situation. she can borrow my kids, and be friends with them, and love them and vice versa. (which again is the inside-out skin feeling) but i’ll kick her in the balls in a heartbeat if she steps in my path. and so, today, while i’m trying to flip my skin back to right side out, i’m writing full speed, catching up for all the days of ‘surprise, the kids are home for veterans’ day, and ‘oh, you need to buy party favors!’ and ‘oh, go get my dress shoes for homecoming, i left them at dad’s’ and ‘hoowee’.

fun times.

and i’m catching up.

and tomorrow I am going to buy myself flowers, when the writing is done. ! and also, I’ll be paid, so there is that!

When this writing today is done, I will breathe a little, and that will be good. Maybe I’ll take a walk or something.

okay. point proven.

back to the grind.

-lovelove

red lollipop
Photo by Vova Krasilnikov on Pexels.com
Humanity

Yesterday

I spent most of the day at a soccer game in the most brilliantly beautiful warm fall day you could imagine. I mean, take the time to envision the greens against a blue sky, the shock of the sun against the reds, oranges, dark greens, yellows of the tree line.

The boys all in white, and red, running on the green.

Colorwise, I was blown into the stratosphere. Honestly.

And, it was an awesome game, fraught with peril and intrigue.

And, We Won. Which makes it all glimmer and sparkle like a damn tv commercial for main street, america. (think gilmore girls town center at christmas, babes)

Stars Hollow, I believe.

I may have watched too much of that show at one point. I left when Rory hit the skids and went for the rich guy. I hated that guy. Sigh.

Anyhow. My sister and her love were there, my mom and all my kids. My old father in law was hidden elsewhere but was there with his daughter. It was the most beautiful day.

Today we have a birthday party at a trampoline place that I am mildly dreading, and hosting. The noise of the place, the exhaustion of socializing when masked. If I sit down and read a book, with headphones on, do you think people will judge me?

My daughter will judge me.

Shitcakes.

Fuck. I need a cigarette. Do you think the trampoline park will mind if i smoke?

(i’m not going to smoke. its been over a month now. yeah baby.)

shitcakes.

I’m hoping to write more interesting things this coming week, now that I have some days empty, in a row, even. My projects are winding down and after Monday will be primarily finish work on both.

We will see.

So for today, just a tiny bit of whats going on here. today. yesterday.

you got me, i know.

-lovelove

Sigh. The photos can’t capture it. Shocking color yesterday. literally shocking the system.