Everyone couple has a different story. Money in the divorce, who gets what, how do you move along with disparate ways of life, with new incomes, perhaps radically different incomes, different responsibilities in terms of childcare, and of course, the occasional emotional upset.
I remember telling a friend about the split and her first question was whether we’d be selling the house.
it rocked me right back. i hadn’t even thought about it.
(it was early days, there was a lot i hadn’t thought about, or realized about my new reality.)
I am living, currently, on child support and alimony. entirely. the little bits and bobs that i bring in from rent, selling clothes and doing writing gigs for my friend are barely making up the difference for the amount i told him we could cut it down this month. Its tight. but i’m still able to be home for my kids, and i need to be, as no job i could get would equal the childcare i would need. anyhow. you’ve heard it all before… mother’s hours and all that. wah wah.
i could not afford to pay the mortgage on this place, probably even with a ‘traditional’ job. its a doctors house. it IS unpretentious, but big in an eye-opening way. but here i am, living in it with three kids, a dog, a tortoise, a cat and 14 chickens. although, to be fair, the chickens live outside.
i’m incredibly lucky to have been able to be in this house for this whole time, and so are the kids. the few times i’ve glanced at the house-selling subject with the kids, its been pandemonium and upset. and, while upsetting the kids is not a reason to struggle to keep this place, it is a small proof in my eyes, that it might be worth it.
argh. i don’t know. i need to think things through.
what i do know is that my pride is deeply involved. the parts of me that don’t want any fucking money from him AT ALL are at war with the parts of me that want him to remember me.
and OH MY GOD. of course, anything can happen, at any time. but i’m not waiting for some ‘partner’ to arrive, with tons of money and a handyman’s skillset.
as i type, a piece of an out-building just fell to the ground.
so there is that.
so, i don’t know, man. there is a lot.
and i’ve just barely brushed the surface. i think i might make it a series… like dickens, but wicked boring.
and no, this essay won’t really be about SEO optimization. but i do officially know what that is now.
I’ve got these long stretches of day wherein I must fill the stretches with great value. what makes great value? hmm?
what is that feeling?
when i was a stay-at-home mom and there were kids here, i mostly never worried about value, i just hoped we’d all make it out alive at the end of the day. and so far, so good on that one.
Kids don’t give a shit about SEO optimization. right?
The wood grain on that floor is beautiful, isn’t it?
but now. i have blocks of learning, where i go study another way to sell writing, to make it ‘work’ for you, the consumer, to ‘monetize’… and frankly, its leaving me sort of depressed. everything is a commodity. REALLY? am i totally a narcissistic twitch because i think things are beautiful or captivating and don’t actually feel the need to spend money?
or to try to capture your dollars?
sigh.
there is a giant spider here in my office and because i feel trapped in this capitalistic web, i am naming him… i choose ‘him’ because I would WAY rather know that he won’t be having babies anytime soon. George, i think. seems like a harmless old man name… except for the Bush’s. who were not harmless but now seem downright angelic next to the current douchebag. Remember when being sort of dumb meant you couldn’t run for president? Hello, Quayle, I’m looking at you…
sigh.
Literally, this paragraph makes me want to scream. i am paralyzed by spiders in general, but i am the only adult in this house, and i choose not to be forced away from work for a goddamned spider. but its a lot. its a lot. I mean, really, how can i go on here? He’s pretty big. Oh my god.
I’m not sure how to make a post which meanders from capitalism to douchebags, to spiders at all relevant to google’s search engine (SEO OPTIMIZATION, goddamnit) …
we will probably starve to death. how’s that for optimized?
sigh. again. i don’t think thats a very low-competition keyword. let me go look it up. i know how to now.
This is the baby that I got for 800 dollars this past week. It freezes things. like, really frozen, not melty. its been months since the ice cream was frozen. so sad. bigly.
Its the most important, biggest thing i’ve ever purchased entirely on my own. I am 44. I researched, I found an outlet for appliances that are dinged/scratched but working and I had saved enough money in the past few years that I didn’t have to use a credit card.
I think if you dice and slice that paragraph there is a whole lot in it.
But I am here to do the work for you. So let me tell you.
Trusting myself is a real damn problem for me. I woke several times this past week, knowing I had to just buckle down and buy a fridge, without anyone telling me which one was the best for me… and then it turned into doubt that I could possibly have measured correctly and would so prove that I am unfit to exist when the men realized it wouldn’t fit.
(uh, former quilter here. do you know how much damn measuring i have done?! fucking shit tons…)
did that come across?
These are the things that happened while I was getting my kids ready to go back to school. all of them, complete with a first-timer.
i researched this outlet place. good rep.
i talked to my fix-it friend and he said so too, and recommended a maintenance plan as a real value.
i canvassed for opinion.
i took photos of the measurements in the manual and compared to my measurements and looked up the measurements of the ‘new’.
i visited the ‘new’ in person with kids in tow. we tried doors, we pulled drawers.
i went back before kindergarten orientation, bought the maintenance plan, bought the thing. used part of my savings. no credit card. you know why?! because i’ve been saving for EXACTLY this reason.
Then i survived kindergarten orientation. but my insides are temporarily outside. never mind that.
guess what? i can do this shit. all by myself. its a damn fridge. and it might as well be a sunburst in your face.
Its the most important, biggest thing i’ve ever purchased entirely on my own. I am 44. I researched, I found an outlet for appliances that are dinged/scratched but working and I had saved enough money in the past few years that I didn’t have to use a credit card.