Tag: writing

Humanity

Momlife

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I found myself having a bit of an anxiety attack in the middle of a Spirit Halloween store, one of those roving, wildly expensive stores with a refund policy designed to fuck you and fuck you and fuck you, forevermore. and not in any positive way, at all. My daughter’s stepmother is now the proud owner of a scary clown costume, complete with sword and black and white striped bike horn. forevermore.

forevermore gets a lot less exciting in these situations.

The anxiety attack was mild, I was able to take deep breaths and get myself under wrap again. The sweeps of ‘Ican’tdothis, Itstoomuch, nobodyaskedme, thekidstakemeforgranted, everyonetakesmeforgranted, ineedtogetout, ineedtogetout, i’mtrapped’… it rises right up to the top of me, like the water in a scary cave-based movie. I am flooded.

The deep breaths spilled me back down onto the ground, and I was fine. I told my daughter that her penance for making me go into the hellhole was that she had to browse TJMaxx with me, for as long as I wanted. She consented. In the slipper section I got a phonecalled request for a ride, to, fro and afterwards, so a kid could watch a movie on a school night, ending past my bedtime. I told them I needed to walk some more because I was having so many reactions. I made it to the towels and the blankets, rubbed some soft things and saw that they’d texted it was allright if they couldn’t go. Sometimes the no is so much easier. And so it was.

I came out with a few things, no towels, no slippers, all for under $50, one of which is a Santa to add to my collection. A Santa on a unicycle, balancing presents on his head. And I’m all set now. Clear air, some unharried browsing, slow breathing, and a renewed appreciation for retail therapy, as well as the power of no, as applies to the ceaseless mom-taxi life. Sometimes the best life of me rates higher than yours, kid, just for an hour or so, and yesterday was that one.

Ever get the feeling that your world is not worthy? What I have to say, the ‘problems’ I encounter, so small, that sharing them just feels …almost inappropriate?

I’ve not been writing, and I’m trying to dive in on this weekday of so few work hours. And it feels weird, and upsetting. And I’m going to push through it because I think of it all the time, and I’m exhausted by the ‘not doing’, if that makes any sense. So here it is.

love to you. hope you are well,

kate

pinball retro
Photo by David Radomysler on Pexels.com
Humanity

three, now. three. bittersweet.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

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Humanity

so many things.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I just finished a therapy session, and haven’t had one in quite a while, so there was a lot to go through and I did all the talking, believe you me.

  1. my kid is a senior, and there is slow and steady shift in dynamics, beginning deep in my insides, about how to let go of control of the lives of my children. and clearly, there are still two that i will devastatingly control, but having a kid lean into adulthood is really something.
  2. I have this before-school school job that is really pushing me in terms of my hearing. I’ve gone and had an appointment with a doctor in boston who does cochlear implants to see if i can improve my hearing, because it sucks to miss so much when its kids. With adults I can get things repeated but kids often think they’ve done something wrong if you ask them to repeat themselves and the original impulse is lost. (Sidebar, today boy B was upset because his boogers were wet. I caught that one.) Generally though, I feel upset a little most days. I also have to be there at 7. Have I mentioned that? So early. So early. I do not enjoy.
  3. music is back and around again. I’m talking Wil Varley, Alexi Murdoch, the Cure. You dig? I’m enjoying.

4. I’m still outside and at work, and I still love it. Its hard and fairly gross at times but when I think about the most beautiful place in the world, it involves me standing empty-handed outside the coop, looking up at the sky. I wonder if my farmer knows that? I bet she does.
5. I’m still at a loss how to handle the many changes that are settling in on me here, changing familes, changing realities of finances, ears maybe, and love and tidbits of change in all the ways. the one thing i’ve let go of for these next few months is planning. I’m just going to ride the waters, whether it be wavy or calm, I’m just along for the float. Will see which shore we wash up on, I guess.
6. I’m not writing nearly enough. Not here, not anywhere. And I feel it. But today I have lunch with Robert, my writing partner, and that’ll be cool. He’s moving in May to be with a long-distance love affair. Can you believe things like that still happen? I am astonished. Perhaps I am too careful, practical. Someone make those into romantic things… Hmm.

Thats it, just checking in here.

Love you guys,

Kate

Humanity

it has happened, to me, finally. (fake drama)

Lovelovemotherexpletive
  1. there are no empty counterstops in this house. it is possible there are no empty surfaces at all. i need outside intervention that does not judge, in look, word, or attitude.
  2. two of my kids are away skiing with their dad. i’m spending a very long weekend with my eldest and we are going to eat out at almost every meal. this seriously may be the best weekend of my life.
  3. yesterday was my first fully-off day in a bit. well, i worked for an hour and a half with kids and was home by 8:30 am, but i’m not counting that. I made coffee, had a bowl of cereal and was on the phone most of the day until a kid came home. a FULL DAY OF NOTHINGNESS AND DECREPITUDE. i am not happy. the loss of a day. I mean, i took a nap, but it wasn’t even a particularly good day, just boring, and there were a million things I could have done and i’m pretty bummed at my blahghaness.
  4. Before the decrepitude, i had a six year old climb into my lap to snuggle. she lay her head under my chin and just sat. it is possibly the best thing to have happened in many weeks. we should all have such simple pleasures.
  5. A woman who is funny told me she liked my blog. In person. I’m still blushing and my ears are burning with flush and now i have to hide all the posts in which I whine. (no, i won’t, because it would be too much work, but oh god, it was cool and cool. )
  6. Okay, now that is the end of what has happened this week. Happy Friday loves!

-love love,

me.

have a great day sticker on brown surface
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Humanity

I’m good at…

Lovelovemotherexpletive

What are you good at?

In my mind this week, I’ve been writing a whole post on what I’m bad at, because I’m awful at so many things. Like breakups, and shame. So bad at them, and also, the math. But I need to switch it, don’t I? Can I live like that?

I’m good at looking at things and appreciating them. the shape, the line, the light. The beauty in the minute, the large, the fantastical and the mundane.

Sometimes I am good at capturing it in type.

I’m good at being with kids, making them feel loved. I’m good at making brownies, from a box, but good at it, still.

I’m way fantastic at self-deprecation, which needs work, surely.

I’m good at making clutter, and tidying it, and letting go of things. I’m good at staring quietly off into the corner, good at making the most of a pregnant pause.

I was good at being pregnant. Feeling my rotund self amidst the madness of the rest of it.

I am good at color, filling the house with the things of whatever the season, color beyond belief. The circus-ing of things.

I am good, mostly. Though it makes my eyes well up, I think it is true. I try, I try to be right with the world, this green and blue breathing thing, full of creatures.

I am good at reading c.s. lewis, and good at ignoring the bits I don’t like.

I’m good at being stubborn. Oh yes. Another problematic one, but still, so good.

I’m good at making baked ziti. And collecting santas.

I’m good at brewing nice coffee. I’m good at growing things, tending things, nourishing things.

I’m good at piling on blankets, and wood, and sweaters. I’m good at feeding the dog, the cat and soon, the baby chicks.

I’m good at seeming to lose control and reining it back in. reeling sometimes, in all the ways, another thing I am good at.

I’m getting better at saying no. the opportunities to practice coming more often lately.

I’m good at being cozy. I’m good at needing so little, despite the ‘so much’ around me.

I’m good at dreaming. I’m good at making do.  

A good ten minutes of freewriting, that’s all that was. Thank you Maddie and Pippa. We all should do a little focused action on what we are good at. We . ARE. GOOD.

-lovelove

Despite our best plans…