Tag: money

Humanity

ITs the 21st, of December.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

It’s the winter solstice, yes, but. . .

It’s in my mind, every waking moment. Did I get equal amounts? Did I forget someone? is there a huge hole in one of the lists? When do i decorate the kitchen? How’m I going to get the freaking yard candycanes out? I do not know, man. I really do not know. Certainly not this morning. The coffee was heated up from yesterday. I need more but I’m still recovering from last night’s frigid farmstand and my body is a goddamned pain wheelbarrow. I’m a sick sad fool and I’m trying to save money over Christmas so there is no coffee bought on the road, and no donuts purchased. What kind of sick bastard does that to herself at this time of year?

I think I’m done. I’m not sure I’m done. There is food here, and that’s 60% of saving Christmas. Yes, it is. (Say anything different and I’ll do the whole screaming thing again. Don’t do it.)

i love the sparkle, i love the preparation for winter. I loved the grocery shop i did yesterday because I could feel the depression-era part of me just thrilling at the pantry staples I was buying, the extra bag of kindling guaranteed to help us be toasty and together in the kitchen. I started a cookie dough that has to chill for a bit so I’ve got an after-school project. I took on an extra eight hour shift this week so not working next week much will be more okay. These are the things I can do.

O I like the sparkle. I like the three recognizable songs we’ll sing at Quaker Meeting on Christmas Eve. Quakers are lovely but they do not understand the awesome power of a song everyone knows being sung together, and they regularly introduce us all to very very old hymns on Christmas eve. Yes. Sigh. I roll, the kids roll.

I’m trying to talk to myself a little bit about some of the things I do not like, besides the obvious financial strain and pressure to ‘make it’ something… Christmas prep, decorating and wrapping solo really does suck. I’m not quite able to festive my way through it, and it bothers me, both the alone part and the inability to control my mindset. I’m just bothered and I get a little unhappy. This year I am going to have Thursday night and Friday night (after basketball games) to get it done, and I’ve got to make a plan to assuage my monsterous mood. I’m hoping to put on a favorite movie and eat some of the cookies I’ve made. Maybe I’ll turn the heat way up for a little toasty nest feeling. I don’t really drink but maybe I’ll set some mulled cider to cook, or one of those random scent pots that people do- cinnamon and oranges and stuff. ?

what am i, a pilgrim?

Anyhow. Happy Solstice to you all. The longest night. Rest up, set your intentions. Be good to each other. Love you much. Always very thrilled to hear from you, so bring it.

The New Year is coming! The New Year is coming!

-love love,

me.

anise aroma aromatic blur
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Humanity

That car is mine now. Zippy.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Well, mine and the bank’s. And it is super zippy. So deliciously zippy. I can honestly say that ceasing the anxiety of driving a car with every emergency light on has been amazing. Her favorite thing to do at the end was stall out at a stoplight. So much fun. Only in letting her go did I ever give her a gender. She did her job. I drove her until there was no more drive.

And I can honestly say that 98% of what spurred me to get the car I did was exhaustion; exhaustion from anxiety and exhaustion from ceaseless car research. My mother let me borrow her car for several days in a row and it was heavenly and almost necessary that I drive her car, which has 287,000 miles on it. I just surrendered. Car salesmen got me in the chair, and I would have given them my children just to make it all stop.

I don’t think I got taken advantage of, by the way. Because I had a little time when I knew I’d need a new car, I’d actually done a shit ton of research. So I don’t think I’ll be unhappy with my purchase. Maybe when I realize that the bills will just not stop. Ha. But that is probably true when any damn big purchase is made, I suppose. I always expect to be turned down. Where the hell does that come from? No idea at all. But there it is.

and now, the rush.

…And I’ve just finished my FAFSA, to begin the whole shebang of kids in college and all that foolishness. And I bought an easel off Facebook marketplace this weekend and I’m wildly in love with it. I just keep looking at it as an object. Maybe I should’ve bought an uglier one. It’s like a perfect notebook, that you don’t want to write in because it’ll get ruined.

well. idiocy.

And what else? Plant watering is getting away from me and I worry about my houseplants. Pulled up all my dahlias to carry them through the year and now I have no idea how to store them and the whole livingroom is full of what looks like bulbous dried turds. I have a friend who’s son is a chef and I got one of the best meals of my life this week. Holy salivation. I made the call to a home health aide place, and they’ve put me on their list for aides. I don’t know if that means anything, like: will they call me?, but I’m wondering if I get more hands-on experience, I’ll have more of a notion if I would like to make a life around taking care of the elderly, until i become so, i guess. Made my daughter watch the Muppets Christmas Carol and I was bored out of my head. Gah. Gonzo is the only one I love. And also, two of my favorite people got great new job news this week and I’m jealous, I mean, not in a horrible way. Maybe jealous is the wrong word. I’m curious for myself, I think. I’m over the moon for them both and small slices of me slide into contentment at hearing other people’s joy. Great feeling of bubbling bliss. I miss my friend Pam, another bubbler of bliss, and she’s just a damn phone call away. Why aren’t I calling out for more?

and i wonder what the heck is my next movement of joy as regards work? I’m not especially adept at waiting, i confess that much, and i’m not necessarily working towards anything, or it doesn’t feel that way. just muddling. maybe its the doldrums of a seasonal worker? Gargh. So, when allowing things to happen organically, and being impatient, and recognizing actions are necessary, one feels all vitamixed up and choppy.

Yeah, man, I don’t think I should publish this either.

but then .

reality of a bullishly stubborn person… here it is.

-lovelove

An old beginning and some new ones.
Humanity

Buying a car.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t perseverating on it all the time, buying a car. I am. I really am. I’m ceaselessly looking up used cars and reviews and a whole lot of other stuff I am deeply immersed in temporarily. I’m making a male friend come with me each time, to get better prices. I’ve only been to one lot so far, but it was pretty damn tough to get them to look at me. I also know that all of this is information I do not want in my head for any longer than it need be there. I also miss my dad a lot. He’d keep me on the straight and narrow. It does actually make it harder, the time I spend missing him. I don’t want to get pissed off about something so fruitless.

If you have a weird job life, it is hard to get a loan.

I get it. I mean, be careful who you loan money to! I can tell everyone left front and center that my mortgage is MORE THAN PAID by child support and alimony, and they still won’t give me a loan. Which means, my friends, and i’m not even sure that this is a complaint yet, that I am looking at cars below ten thousand dollars, (well, up to 15) and figuring out how to make it work with resources cobbled.

And truly, when i say i’m not sure this is a complaint, I think about continuing on with minimal to no car payments. no further debt. no anchor pulling me down into forever and ever trapped below. And, the last car I bought was when married, relying on someone else’s income, sized to fit three growers and all their buggies, and now i can get something that is more suited to ME. . . and now I will be relying on my very amazing own.

and I can, and that is that.

Yes, there will be car repairs. surely. But it won’t feel that bad to not have another bill right now.

I don’t like how I am around money. Buying a car has brought much crap to the surface, globs of it burbling around. I don’t trust how I want to draw attention to myself in the struggle. It occurred to me that I should add my venmo somewhere in here and leave it there. There is something in it, a lurking gollum, like a gambler who says its just for kicks, but has that look in their eye. I’m not sure I trust myself not to make it seem like a bigger deal, just to pull on a heartstring. This is abhorrent. There is a lot in here. I am suspiciously comfortable with the ‘its okay to help me’ routine. I mean, it is okay, but not like this, this feels salesman-y, and I can see what that is like, and how it feels, and it can’t be me. *And it makes everything easier if there is someone to blame, so let’s drag out the old lameass ex to run him through the mud a couple times too. Shall we? Sigh. There is still work to be done.

If it occurs to you to give me money, please make a donation to something women-centered in your local area. There are women in much greater need than I am. I’m going to buy a car. I will not be without.

So there. Wish me strength in navigation and a strong brush with good luck.

-lovelove

kate

white animal skull on top of vehicle
Yeah baby!! Photo by pascal claivaz on Pexels.com

All jokes aside, I kind of wish this car were an option.

Humanity

FLudge: transition kicks my ass.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’m not good at transition, I never ever have been. And here we are, in transition. again.

I went from working every second of every day and feeling like an asshole absent parent to having all the kids in school and three days off a week, in which i am supposed to fit all the writing and editing in forevermore.

i’m okay, but not okay. i’m not happy with that blank space in my income, in my adventure, anymore, as much as last year was still all tentative about schools and kids and quarantines, this year does not feel that way. So I’m a bit at a loss, and a bit afraid.

I can pivot and turn and react on a dime, yes.

but when it is an ACTUAL dime? more challenging.

i’m tidying. i’m writing every day so far. i’m reading more. these are the things that are necessary for me when I transition back to work at home, they ground me and get me all ready to go sit in front of the screen. I find that the more I read, the more there is in my brain that opens portals to all that I have ever read, and felt, and I can find it again. the words spill, the gardens are remembered and I can see the jar of buttons for the wild source of story that it is.

It will be a short transition, this, into working too much again, or being torn between what is ‘work’ and what I can be distracted from, and complaints of a sort about chauffeuring kids. They aren’t real complaints anymore, as I see the end of this chapter of my life in the air before me. Just noticings. A habit of complaint, maybe, but no honest one. I see it in its last days now, and already know I will long for such simple time spent with my kids.

Its time for me to rocket off in search of another thing to tidy. I’m not ready to face the applications for jobs yet, its my least favorite part, though I can submit in a flurry fury once I am ready.

love you guys, see you soon.

-me.

  • I’ve had two offers of an ax, by the way, so it looks like i’ll have to save my fancy outfit and candles for some other event. Maybe I’ll chop the wood in it? Or maybe hold the candles up while my boys split? I’ll decide as I go.

Pink candle to bring the light.
Humanity

The busy dead.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’m braindead and dreaming about cigarettes. I can’t find my phone. I’m stalling going into work at the greenhouses because oh my god, its august, and greenhouses are over a hundred degrees. i run to the 95* shade like its a relief afterwards. I cannot drink enough water. I am frequently dead.

I sent a picture of myself to my best friend in wisconsin who is a nurse. and she jumped into high alert, which was not my intention. it was funny sad because i was fine, but could see her distress and feel my own distress at humanity not really being suited for outside work when the world is spinning too fast and is losing its protection from the sun.

tomorrow i drive to maine, leaving my middle at the camp of his dreams. he’s such a cool kid, and this summer i’ve been feeling all the sadness of a mom who works a lot and is not with her kids enough. and now he is gone for two weeks. bliss, for him. and bittersweet for me. sports tryouts start directly when he gets back. its a wrap.

i’m trying to write more, guys, and its not all ending up here, which is probably a relief to you, loyal readers, as maybe what i write here will begin to have more form, more direct glow/flow. Clearly, this is not happening today. I think its the impact of the driving day, the time spent just staring and thinking. I really do. I don’t even always listen to music, and the car I drive is a very zippy jetta. I am wholeheartedly in favor of the jetta, and who knew i’d ever have an opinion about a car? who knew? But I LOVE IT, and will actually consider foregoing a subaru when next I am forced to consider car buying.

zippy.

sigh. i’ve got to get ready for today’s work. the boss called and said today is a wear what you want day, which means i can forego the pants, which is a blessing of MAGNITUDE. so there is that.

love love, stay cool,

-me

Well, on second glance, i can see why she was concerned! … 😂