*the insecurity that keeps us back… we believe its insecurity that keeps us from being our wild and precious stuff.
*people keep saying they are grieved by mary oliver’s death. i am not. she has left us such a precious gift, my god, what more does anyone want from a life?
nothing gold can stay.
but i can read her glitter absolutely any time that i want to, or need to. Its still here. ITS STILL HERE!!!
*the adulting that makes us need tell another adult we don’t want to romantically pursue them. or have them pursue us.
the feeling that results when there is no pursuit. even if the above sentence is also true.
*the place in myself that is getting depressed at not meeting anyone that fires up my heart fires. maybe a belief that nothing gold can stay is making its weight felt too heavily.
*the deep worry that it is not insecurity, but fatheaded laziness that keeps us from our greater wild. inability. lassitude.
because maybe that is true.
these are the left-outs. the misfits. the misfires.
because i approached the handmedown sofa with a drill and a hammer and the screws and nails needed and i couldn’t fix it. and maybe i made it worse, because now no one else will ever be able to undo what i have done.
and in combination with my depression about not finding men that i want in my life, i am finding a lot of fault in my inability to fix the fucking sofa.
i told my kid i needed to be the person who does all this stuff. and i can’t . i can’t do all this stuff.
which leads me to men, again, which then leads me back again, and again, to my desire to fix my own fucking sofa. and yet, i have killed it. dead.
so i’m withdrawing from my life for the afternoon. on a chair. because its becoming way bigger than a sofa.
and all i want to do is apologize for this post, because no one needs to feel sorry for me, or pay attention to rambling self-pity.
I have profound hearing loss. in both ears, but one of them is completely deaf.
so grapple that one to the ground a little, if you please.
I was born with misshaped cochlea so i always had hearing loss, and wore two hearing aides from the time i was four.
when i was 26 or so, I was hit by a car door while riding my bike (think wayne’s world) and broke all the bones in my right ear, (not that funny) which means its currently unfixable… (that one’s a longer story, but whatever. skipadoo)
what all this means? i’m not a snob, i’m not aloof, i’m not even as shy as you or I think I am.
but socially? I’m the queen of awkward. I say hello and its incredibly possible that i’ll have absolutely no idea what you say back. fun times. i try to figure it out but damn. if its not ‘hi’… i’m a little lost…
the worst possible situation for me is a baseball bleacher set. or basketball. There’s a lot of environmental noise, people are in all directions, and there’s tons of chatter that comes out of nowhere, unrelated to what is going on in the game.
because one of my ears is deaf, i can’t tell which direction sounds are coming from. someone will say or call my name and i’ll turn in the opposite direction. because ALL the sounds come in the same ear. its trippy.
so usually i will park myself off a little ways, with my kid who is young enough to want a blanket to roll around on still, or in the case of basketball, I’ll be in the middle of a pack of family, so that no ‘outsider’ chatter will be untranslated by them…
it can be crippling sometimes… like, its just so much easier to stay home, to just surround myself with people who say somewhat predictable things…
trying so hard to hear or figure out what is going on — especially when its just the little drips and draps of casual conversation — is exhausting.
i mean, its hard, like fingernails in the palms, eyes squinted in concentration hard. and thats all for a punchline that already passed everyone else by.
its not something visible. its something eminently forgettable. even in my marriage my spouse frequently got annoyed by my asking for repetitions, and i think it possible he forgot from time to time. (and this might be my generosity problem, but thats another post) …
i read lips like a champ, and so most of the people that i know have no idea that i’ve got such profound loss. i’m an excellent ‘passer’ .
but i’m getting older. and my tolerance for b.s. is at a particularly low ebb, and so i’m putting this out there for some people who are regularly pissed off at me for whatever it is you get pissed about.
I CAN’T FUCKING HEAR YOU. COULD YOU PLEASE LOOK AT ME WHEN YOU SPEAK? COULD YOU TAKE YOUR SUNGLASSES OFF BECAUSE I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHO YOU ARE IF I CAN’T SEE YOUR WHOLE FACE?!
Okay, that last one … its a thing… because I stare at people so much when I’m trying to ‘hear’ them, i really do recognize them by their whole face. i think its weird too, but I think lots of people are like this. take your damn sunglasses off if you want to communicate.
act like it matters.
Wow. digression. and aggression. whoosh. i’m not actually mad at anybody. how could i be? its standard behavior and if i haven’t told anyone i’m almost deaf, HOW COULD ANYONE KNOW?
/again and again and again. kate, you must practice saying no to alcohol. kate, you must practice knowing yourself.
kate, you must learn more and more about your own fears and insecurities. all the time, focus on them all the damn time, because you will be pushed and plucked and placed into situations where you will be nudged,
making the first date is really easy for me. choosing to face the second is much more daunting i think . . . its the challenge to my system, a challenge to my arrogance that demands that i not have ‘feelings’… a second date demands consideration, i think.
maybe this is why i tend to just have first dates that last for months. its a simple act of self-protection. call it what you will. its worked for me up until this point, but it strains now, pulls against the bit.
i’m just tired.
i wanted to have breakfast out today, but my date had a hangover and needed extra time to recover. so i gave him some.
everyone should get divorced. everyone. because during the time that the former-spouse has the kids, you do not. so what i get is three full days before christmas in which i actually roll around in christmas spirit. i might bake cookies, i might wrap something. I danced in the kitchen. i reveled. in the spirit of sparkle and gifting of greens, and all of it. i even went out to a store on christmas eve, to buy myself a present. god bless marshall’s. i don’t think i’ve ever been into a store on christmas eve and i was there really early, and i was so happy to see that the employees were mostly giddy and laughing, and not beleagured.
don’t get divorced because i say so. really.
but maybe you could shake things up and send them to your folks before the holiday, to give yourself your own merry. if you have folks, if you like merry.
i just came downstairs after a long bath, ready to order pizza for dinner because i’ve been ill, and i’m ready for bed. Its 1:23 in the afternoon. this was both, a funny moment and a sad one. the kids have been on screens for the entire day, and made their own lunches while i pointed weakly from the chair. barely.
my mom dropped off gatorades because the 6 year old and i were not keeping down any water and i was concerned about other things… 6 year old has now fully recovered and even ate chicken nuggets. that is frankly disgusting and i’m aware of the possibility of demonic possession.
i am not recovered. but i’m typing, i’m looking out the window. i’m so glad Christmas is over. Its just too much for my kids. Its all meerrrgh. too many inflated expectations and disappointed faces. its insane.
do you like it? Christmas, I mean. If you do christmas? (though i’ve heard hannukah has its own challenges… and lasts 8 freaking days….) i like it, but only for my rolling around in glitter experience, not as an experience i have with kids. I’m not sure its good for them, and I’m sort of tired of doing it to them.
i’m not sure the ‘spirit of Christmas’ means someone should be distraught because they are just overstimulated.
there’s something of a feeling of being trapped by the expectations, as a parent… and i’d like to figure something out to change it up a bit, maybe give them a few more options as they move out into the world.
I’m not sure its good for them, and I’m sort of tired of doing it to them.