Tag: family

Humanity

An ass-kicking

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Family style, work.

My mom had been telling me that my uncle wanted to teach my boys how to paint, for a couple of months if not since the last time I saw him, pre-covid. This is my dad’s brother, the skinniest man alive.

So, I knew, when he came to visit my mom, that he would probably spend a morning here. He is 78 years old and a powerhouse of work ethic. He lives in Florida now so mostly its a twice a year proposition.

He called me last weekend to make sure I knew what supplies to get, which made me realize the error of my ways.

My kid owed me money for utlizing paypal without asking (big fucking no on that.) So my uncle had a chance to teach him how to scrape down stair risers, let them dry and then prep them for painting, and then paint them.

Which he did.

Oh, and then they hauled. And they powerwashed.

My uncle also uncovered the patio pavers, which were covered almost entirely by grass and the dirt and friends that grass brings.

He and my mom restored part of my garden to beauty, pruning a rose bush back into a non-dangerous specimen and giving me a chance to see my daylilies again. By doing so, they uncovered the peeling of the paint on the breakfast nook that my uncle had seen at his last visit. it had bothered him. this would be at Thanksgiving, of pre-covid, so… November 2019. I’m going to type it out, yes, the peeling paint on my window sills bothered my uncle twenty one months ago.

So, the whole point of this post is here. Make a list. Cross things off. Its the best thing in the whole world. (for your nieces.) A long list, a 21 month list.

Honestly, my mom and uncle kicked my ass. They worked like beasts and my kids and I ran around following orders and pulling away tarps full of yard debris. A deck was powerwashed by me, in the fervor of ‘oh my god, work!’ … I made lunch once, drove to pick up lunch once, went to work once… It was two long half days and I’m really truly giddy with some of the things they did.

Its kind of amazing to realize how much things weigh on you, that aren’t even making your lists. It can feel pretty insurmountable here, this house, this yard. It really can.

That said, I’m going to go paint another stair riser, because I wrote a bunch this morning, and I really want to paint more.

A list!

but first, some more painting.

Humanity

Swoops

Lovelovemotherexpletive

My moods are so erratic lately. I’m fine, I am, and when my moods shift, I’m able to watch them while experiencing them. its a little surreal, actually.

I dropped my kid off to camp and haven’t heard from him in five days. This is as it should be, but my god. Its phantom pain, I know, the missing limb calling to me from his barefooted happy place.

my sixteen year old applied for his permit to drive. it was blocked because my license was expired and the birth certificate was not original. So, as far as he is concerned, it was all me. Believe me, I feel the guilt.

I did a great job in a weekend of driving, seeing places that were stunning in their beauty and their role in my past, and driving to greataunts and uncles and cousins and then some more driving. I only made one kid nauseous, once.

I did yoga this morning and for the first time ever, was probably the youngest there. there was a great deal of focus on ‘i am.’ and i’m into that, and lost about it sometimes. it still kicked my ass and is making me a little grumpy.

And my mood on this rainy day makes me want to go into a dark cool cave and sit with my nose to the stone, shutting it all down somehow. I’m feeling overstimulated.

I had my tarot read for me when I got back from my trip, and her first question was, ‘are you very tired?’ and i laughed and laughed until it went crazy sideways. a doozy. I really liked her ways, I know her in person happily but i do, i do, i recommend her highly to anyone who feels like a virtual reading, you can do google meet so you can see her face, or you can do it over the phone. your call, lovelies. You can find her at http://joannakessling.com and on instagram at @paper.birchtarot Have at it. What I find, is that what comes up in cards and in questions, is what i’m already thinking of. Its not magic, (unless you want it to be) … its just reminders, and reminders are necessary. Like, bat-to-the-head necessary.

like, kate, take care of yourself. just baby steps. and remember you’re a goddamn joy bubble. anyone who doesn’t like it can take a flying leap. (um, joanna didn’t say that. but i did.)

heh.

love you. i figure this once a week thing might stay through til the kids go back to school. just the way it is.

love you, love you.

kate

nature people woman sun
Tarot decks are all different. This one is animals, the one Joanna used had people… Its all just reminders, dudes. Take it how you want to… Photo by RODNAE Productions on Pexels.com
Humanity

Nibbles

Lovelovemotherexpletive

i do what i can to take care of myself lately. i’m only talking to people i like and i am not looking at a dating site. (now that i’ve typed it, i’ll probably look tonight, goddamnit)

i’m trying to go to yoga twice a week, i’m taking my vitamins.

i’m making sure to water the plants and i’m even using fertilizer this year, which i’ve never been willing to do because i’m all ‘nature should be untouched’ and all that shit.

we’re still not going to the beach very much. two redheads you know. they don’t really want to, and i would have to start drinking if i spent a full day in the sun now. and that sounds gross to me.

i send a letter occasionally.

i’ve figured out a way to get air conditioning on the entire bedroom set. it involves several pushpins and a sheet hanging from the ceiling. we will see. the truth is, i think i sleep better without it. it seems to be giving me headaches. what a bitch.

i’m taking my kid to camp for three weeks this weekend. i will be more fragile than i think. or, as fragile as i think. there will be a lot of driving and my older teenager has completely opted out to stay with friends for two nights, and someone is coming to watch the dogs and release the chickens!! (you have to yell that, right there, as in RELEASE THE KRAKEN!!)

there are a few moving parts. i’m taking my youngest to visit with two of her great aunts and their husbands, greatuncles too, and we’re going to a fabulous garden on the coast. maine has a whole damn lot of connection and visitation spots, as its where both my parents were born and raised. I wonder if i should visit some grave sites… it might freak my daughter out, and i don’t think the dead will notice. hm.

i had a job this week and it felt pretty damn good to have my wednesday all filled up. I purposefully cleared these past three weeks to spend time with kids before camp. and then it was cloudy and humid and rainy in a million ways. and too much screentime for us all. so it was less than ideal and i’m thrilled that my kid goes to camp for three weeks screen free.

i’ll have more work next week and I’m hoping structure will help me give us more activity. we’ll see.

first i’ve got to leave a kid in a place that makes him supremely happy and makes me feel like i have a hole in my heart.

i’ll be fine. i will.

remind me he needs a flashlight. okay?

allright. glad i’m writing? HA! a bunch of nibbles for you. I’m thinking a lot. I’m looking forward to when it starts spilling out onto a keyboard. its been a good time, believe it or not.

love you,

kate

person holding flashlight during nighttime
BUY A FLASHLIGHT, GODDAMNIT. TIME IS RUNNING OUT. Photo by Wendelin Jacober on Pexels.com
Humanity

Avoidance

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I will now confess that I did not get my car inspected on time. I will add to the confession a full twelve months. Twelve months of knowing that it would be a very expensive problem if I were to be pulled over. I would not be shot, most likely, because i’m a white woman, but I would get a large bill in the mail.

big difference.

It is like me to avoid things, but it is not like me to risk on something so dumb. But now that the car has been inspected, I feel secretly quite proud that I scammed the government of a year’s worth of time. None of this is rational.

I also avoid doing my taxes. I’m old enough that I’ve done them myself, had them done by others and its all good, its a pain but it is not hard. and yet. It weighs on me, and I look away.

I’m avoiding the next step in my creative doer class. It has to do with a lot of work with fear, and I am ready, there is a stack of paper next to me right now. and no. can’t make me. no. go to hell. GO TO HELL.

I’m avoiding my former in-laws. because I get so upset. I’m very unproud of this. I get so upset on so many levels and it is hard to level myself out afterwards. I really actively hate so many of the memories that are stirred up by being pulled back into that whirlwind. And it hurts, and I don’t want to feel hurt. And so I will make some kind of food and bring it down this week because I am an asshole.

Sigh. so there. I’ve also been avoiding writing here, I think. I am feeling deeply bored, and don’t want to know that I am spreading that particular virus.

LOVE LOVE. Yeah, I still love ya.

-kate

Not avoiding dessert. 😊