Tag: curiosity

Humanity

That car is mine now. Zippy.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Well, mine and the bank’s. And it is super zippy. So deliciously zippy. I can honestly say that ceasing the anxiety of driving a car with every emergency light on has been amazing. Her favorite thing to do at the end was stall out at a stoplight. So much fun. Only in letting her go did I ever give her a gender. She did her job. I drove her until there was no more drive.

And I can honestly say that 98% of what spurred me to get the car I did was exhaustion; exhaustion from anxiety and exhaustion from ceaseless car research. My mother let me borrow her car for several days in a row and it was heavenly and almost necessary that I drive her car, which has 287,000 miles on it. I just surrendered. Car salesmen got me in the chair, and I would have given them my children just to make it all stop.

I don’t think I got taken advantage of, by the way. Because I had a little time when I knew I’d need a new car, I’d actually done a shit ton of research. So I don’t think I’ll be unhappy with my purchase. Maybe when I realize that the bills will just not stop. Ha. But that is probably true when any damn big purchase is made, I suppose. I always expect to be turned down. Where the hell does that come from? No idea at all. But there it is.

and now, the rush.

…And I’ve just finished my FAFSA, to begin the whole shebang of kids in college and all that foolishness. And I bought an easel off Facebook marketplace this weekend and I’m wildly in love with it. I just keep looking at it as an object. Maybe I should’ve bought an uglier one. It’s like a perfect notebook, that you don’t want to write in because it’ll get ruined.

well. idiocy.

And what else? Plant watering is getting away from me and I worry about my houseplants. Pulled up all my dahlias to carry them through the year and now I have no idea how to store them and the whole livingroom is full of what looks like bulbous dried turds. I have a friend who’s son is a chef and I got one of the best meals of my life this week. Holy salivation. I made the call to a home health aide place, and they’ve put me on their list for aides. I don’t know if that means anything, like: will they call me?, but I’m wondering if I get more hands-on experience, I’ll have more of a notion if I would like to make a life around taking care of the elderly, until i become so, i guess. Made my daughter watch the Muppets Christmas Carol and I was bored out of my head. Gah. Gonzo is the only one I love. And also, two of my favorite people got great new job news this week and I’m jealous, I mean, not in a horrible way. Maybe jealous is the wrong word. I’m curious for myself, I think. I’m over the moon for them both and small slices of me slide into contentment at hearing other people’s joy. Great feeling of bubbling bliss. I miss my friend Pam, another bubbler of bliss, and she’s just a damn phone call away. Why aren’t I calling out for more?

and i wonder what the heck is my next movement of joy as regards work? I’m not especially adept at waiting, i confess that much, and i’m not necessarily working towards anything, or it doesn’t feel that way. just muddling. maybe its the doldrums of a seasonal worker? Gargh. So, when allowing things to happen organically, and being impatient, and recognizing actions are necessary, one feels all vitamixed up and choppy.

Yeah, man, I don’t think I should publish this either.

but then .

reality of a bullishly stubborn person… here it is.

-lovelove

An old beginning and some new ones.
Humanity

Not five, but blathering on…

Lovelovemotherexpletive

LIKES AND LOVES.

Its early morning here, now. My kids are all here, settled, sleeping still, after a whirlwind of a day yesterday. My former father-in-law is also here. He’ll be 90 in January. He’s a character, and unpredictable, and almost 90. 90. (eyes wide and oh my god all over the place) full houses do make me happy, and tired too.

The boys had another championship/states soccer game, which they won. The almost10 year old was picked up with a friend from school early by yours truly and we watched. Well, the girls helped in the snack shack and I watched the game. At this point, knowing what it means to the boys, I can hardly stand the nervous excitement. I’m a real sports watcher right now, full of angst and under-the-breath commentary. (no book, no phone)

The next game conflicts with lovey’s 10th birthday party, which I am hosting, so i’m not going to see it. It is also two and a half hours away, and at seven pm. (lets do that math, shall we? the game will most likely finish at 8:30 pm, with a two-and-a-half-hour drive home afterwards. ehem. solidly in favor of considering children and families in the planning of sports events. solidly. seems I am something of a rarity.)

After the game today, there was a Homecoming Dance. My boys are flipping ridiculously handsome and good nature too, mostly. But RIDICULOUS. so they were dressed and dazzling and I woke up in a panic at four because I didn’t know where they were.

home, in bed. The days are numbered when my panics will be resolved so easily. My eldest won’t be in bed here next year and I’m definitely in a low-grade constant panic about that these days. mix it up with the season, the grief and its a doozy.

So. What do you do when you’re in a tizzy? You add another job. (if you are me, that is. busy minds, busy hands, calm tizzies, something like that) Or perhaps you take a class. I’ve got three separate groups that I write with currently. And one class which I like but will be glad when it ends, because it conflicts with freaking everything.

and i’d really like to learn more about end-of-life caregiving. I know, this is a big thing, sort of a rarity perhaps in blog subject matter. at least here. but, really. If I balance it with the farming, and the flowers, perhaps I’d be good at that, be a flaming ball of goodness in the world.

And i’d still really like to get a greenhouse going.

And i’d really like to win powerball.

i’d like to finish the stupid story.

i’d like to take a pottery class.

i’d love to paint again.

i’d love to figure out how to keep rosemary alive indoors.

i’d like to figure out what i can make with five pieces of saffron that I grew myself.

i’d love to tell you all about how i wrote about a character this week who had bones like coral. isn’t that a beautiful but thought-provoking image? a real focaccia of skeleton.

like and love baby. thats what its all about.

thank you for reading and say hey sometime too, because i like and love that too.

-lovelove,

me.

black and white bones hand x ray
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Humanity

Sweeps

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’m at a baseball game in the middle of the day. I mean, I guess they are all in the middle of the day. Fair enough.

I spent the morning trying to arrange rides for all the kids. It was successful and everyone is going to have a good time and that makes me feel all glowy, while i feel like shit at the very same minute because I am absent. this is not good. (goddamned school vacation, and all) and then i drove to my mom’s so that she could drive me to work.

Then, at work, I spent the morning walking my boss’s dogs because one of them was having surgery and my boss was feeling crazy stress and worry and so I went with her to the vet.

And now I am here, having gotten my car out of the shop for an insanely large amount of credit card usage. Its another one of those splits. 1.I am thrilled to have my car back and I would throw any amount of debt-incurring at it to have it back. who cares? and 2. I am feeling nauseous about finances.

But i have my car, and i made it to the game to see him play. I’m good. Its all good.

And I’m sitting in my car, looking at the greens and the golds, and the faintest blue of the sky, and being swept with meloncholy. I feel watery.

I don’t see a way out of some of where I find myself, well, not a way that I like.

Sigh. You know what new phrasing has arrived in our american language that I really like?

I am feeling some type of way.

I am.

I am feeling some type of way.

But I have my car, and I made it to the game, and I am sitting in my car doing something I really love to do, write, and think, simultaneously.

So there.

I am going to find a pigpile of joy today, never you fear. But for now? Watery.

Humanity

Cigarettes

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’m not proud. The bestie was here and we smoked ’em while we had ’em.

And today I’m stopping. Its been about three weeks? at least two full weeks. And i’d love to tell you I was just dabbling, but no. I had to tell my kids and everything, because I was whole hog and I couldn’t stand the idea of sneaking around. That’s not my bag.

Its not okay. And I’m going to be a full-on bitch while I try to kick it again. FULL ON.

There is this though. I found pieces of myself that I thought were gone when she (the bestie) was here. And then another old friend visited, and I found some more. I don’t know where the hell they were, but I certainly hadn’t seen them for a decade or so. And part of that was the person that I am, the woman who puts herself first, before the kids, before the overwhelming responsibility of parenting.

If you don’t have kids, thats allright, take my word for it. It is all-consuming for me. I work at home, I love my kids, I do everything in my power for them, all the time, even if it is just availability. They are the sun and the moon, and I still manage to not be a helicopter mom. I watch them with delight and I have time to listen when they actually decide to speak. Two teenager boys and a girl who might as well be. The times are big here, the issues enormous. Driving, military interests, girls, boys, friends, fear, first rejections, bravery.

The cigarette meant that I was that person before all of that. A person who could just walk out the door and sit without caring for anyone else. Free. In three minute intervals.

It got my dander UP, lets just say. (as if anyone but me would ever type a weirdass thing like that.)

I’m shook up. I need to figure out how to feel like that person again. If I chase that feeling, without giving myself lung cancer, what will it look like?

I had joy. I had a best friend. I had a life, a history, opinions, and laughter. So much laughter. A healthy dose of sexuality. An independence from my children and my obligations and love for them.

Maybe its a midlife crisis. I’d prefer to think of it as an awakening.

I went sailing for chrissakes. The kids were left to fend for themselves for dinner. Can you even believe that? Guess what? They were totally fine. And I was even better than that.

So that is where I am at. FULL ON BITCH. and trying to chase a drift of smoke.

here.

love love.

me.

Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO: TwentyFOUR. Grateful.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Yeah, yeah, a gratitude one.

  1. I guess I’m grateful that teenager’s moods flip on a quarter toss. Because the shit flies as fast as the good. Right? I guess. The way in which they need you even while hating you is a little bit soul-breaking.
  2. I think I’m grateful that there are so many blankets in this house. At least for this six month season of needing them to stave off winter chills. I am aware that I may be a hoarder of warmth-bringers.
  3. Its probably why I like men so much, and keep collecting them. Warmth-bringers. I am grateful for my flexibility and nonjudgmental ways with them. It can be fun, and yes, there are duds. But also diamonds.
  4. I am pretty grateful for my curious ways. I’ve learned a lot about myself every year this past decade, and its not always been smooth, and I’m still curious. More curious now than I was while I was married, but I’m less hurt now. When you’re wounded, you don’t look around in wonder.
  5. I’m amazed by my kids, on the daily, even when they are outraged by my saying no. Teenagery is a bitch, a real, flat-out bitch. I’m grateful, like I already said, that I can see the childlike behind the bitch.
  6. I’m grateful for color, it pulls me out of my inner mudmunch all the time. And still, my favorite thing is to stare at the cast-iron black at my feet and know that there is fire within. Always fire within.
  7. I’m incredibly grateful that in all this pandemic time, economics hasn’t been a stressor on me. Aware, yes but not a stressor. I cannot believe my luck and my gratitude is deep for the lawyers who have set this up.
  8. I’m grateful for the super goofiness that I’ve encouraged (created?) in my kids, because it saves us all, and me, in particular. I love it so much.
  9. I’m grateful that my vanity about myself is incredibly random, as almost everything about me is. It has enabled me to gloss over my discontent with certain things. Meaning, minute to minute I forget that I’ve gained so much weight this year. Then I remember, then I let it go, and it stays gone til I remember again. Its a miracle.
  10. I’m grateful for indoor plumbing and heating. The virus has not effected either, and I am inordinately glad.

Now you. Do yours.