Tag: house

Humanity

Morovia. Morewoevia.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’ve been ‘feeling’ a lot lately. its not my favorite.

No, nothing is really wrong. I’ve got no woe.

I’m aware that what I romanticize is distinctly untrue, and, that I do not need to be the one who provides my children with a lifelong grandmotherly estate. I’m just always going to be the mom, wherever I am, forever and ever. Its freeing, in many ways, and irrelevant in others, and a mixed bag of bulbs in the end.

I’m trying to laugh off some of the things I’ve heard this week, and I’m not doing especially well at it. Some of it, I can’t ignore, and I can’t figure out what to do about it.

I’ve purchased new chicks to raise, trying yet again to have a flock of my own. and this time, they will not be free range. poor babies. free range is not for the faint of heart, not with the coyotes, foxes, and other miscreants around here. i saw a coyote yesterday up close and it was much bigger than they look from afar. (He won the psych out, 100 percent.) I even got very cool chicks, that will lay very cool and colorful eggs. so i’m psyched. now all i have to do is keep them alive. no biggie.

I’m going to have to build shit, Dean. fuck.

I also ordered a bunch of peony roots. I am into investing in the ground lately. base level basic. They can live and recycle themselves for hundreds of years. I’m feeling the need for longevity I suppose, while at the same time longing for a life of much simpler means. Can I really runaway? Is that a thing? Like, after the last one leaves for college, can i just do a year abroad? And not even carry a phone? well, maybe just for them, so they can call if they need me. If I sell this house, I can live in a trailer and not worry about money. It could be anywhere, it could even be on wheels. Good, right?

or: Someone give me a ton of money, okay? I’d like to make an apartment at the back of the house so they can pay the mortgage and I can just be a flower farmer. Can we please do that? Please?

Sigh. No? Okay then.

I got this new job, and I’ve spent the money of my first paycheck (unreceived as of yet) already. Little bit twitchy about that. I’m now actually working to pay for impulse purchases. Will they make me happy? Yes, they will.

Yes, they will.

The weather has been fucking brilliant here. but fairly inappropriate for January and we’ll all be crying when we start our spring already in a drought. no snow man, no snow.

I’ve lost my lazy contemplative mornings with this new job, and its really messing with my days. I get home and still feel like the day is unformed, that I haven’t done anything, and should probably make some kind of list, but I’m wiped out, so I just sit down, and then it is all over. OVER.

I haven’t figured stuff out yet.

I should make that a bumper sticker. Someone else do it, I’ve already sat down.

love you. really, i do.

-kate

cash coins money pattern
Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com
Humanity

Bottled Up, Bottle Neck.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Its construction time here at the old Blossom Manor. Which means, honestly, a lot of de-construction and falling down. (me, yes, definitely me, and them, the inanimate machines of necessity.) I’ve been here long enough that everything that can break is experiencing its last moments of glorious bursting joyful sunray, as they run towards the light. Arms wild, they run into the flaming sun.

Currently on fire:

dishwasher.

washing machine.

hot water heater.

Hmm. Yeah, the upstairs shower isn’t really working well, but it has something to do with the heater, i think, so its a subpar emerging problem, not worthy of a bullet. plus, there is a second shower, so if it needs abandoning, so be it. and water shut offs in a house with no filtration system do in fact, cause their own set of new events. Yeah, that’s it.

I mean, unless you want to peel back another layer and tell me my house needs painting. or a pesky water filtration unit. In which case, I point you to the houses in Appalachia that are not painted, or filtered, and are still standing, just moderately askew. So there. pure vanity has no place, currently.

My living room is full of tools because the handyman stores them here when he is not working. Yes, that is the relationship. Tools live here.

There’s a plumber making his way to my front door with a bill in hand, right now. It is a small airplane carrying a tank of water to dump on the heaviest flame. But darling, this one will bring a shower that is warm.

I almost decided to leave the soap in my hair this morning, the cold was so cold. I could hear my scalp crying, and feel my brain trying to push the scalp away, to keep warm and working. (debatable if my brain is working today, very debatable.)

I had an in-person interview today though, to take on another garden project, which I will in fact, start tomorrow. So I needed soap out, to not terrify a lovely garden lady. And now, for tomorrow, I will be able to (probably) take a hot bath to soothe my muscles after such work.

I’m feeling very boring today. Plumbing on my mind. I’m even wondering how to finance a water filtration system, out loud even. Yeah, i’m not impressed either. Good lord.

Its the small things that make life okay, its always the small things. I’m talking about writing, and I’m adding it to my days. I’ve read three books in the past two weeks. Small is big. Despite all my fully mature tactics of denial and procrastination, I am ready to start the next season of work, both internal and external. We have space, we have time, and we have value. we have third person self-referencing, which is, yes, concerning. But my flowers are still incredibly beautiful, and I paid for a water heater without a credit card. and the book cover now waiting for me is beautifully stroked by a paintbrush. So these are good days.

Good days, my loves.

Go out and recklessly love. for the hell of it. what are we saving it for?

-lovelove,

me.

Colorful artistic wall painting
Colorful artistic wall painting by Markus Spiske is licensed under CC-CC0 1.0
Humanity

Last day of the longest vacation ever, February.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

EVER.

the boiler broke down. the sink clogged for two days. Now I have some kind of problem with a circuit and I have no stove or microwave. I’m totally chill. Last night I cried, on the inside, waves of self-pity.

I’ve gotten the boiler fixed. I fixed the sink and I’m waiting on God to help with the circuits because whatever has happened is defying all logic. And I’m just going without until it solves. Yes, I am.

So, the self-pity is not inaction. Its just getting worn down, feeling like quitting. I have this sometimes as I’m sure all humans do. Last night was my night for just feeling like a failure, because things aren’t easy, and they keep being that way.

BUT then, in getting takeout, I kvetched to the lady about the circuits, and she told a story of her brother ‘fixing’ a faucet and causing a geyser in the kitchen which went through to flood the basement. So we laughed, and put our heads on the countertops in defeat. And she gave me two pieces of chocolate cake for free.

There is kindness and laughter and its just life. I can handle it. I get tired sometimes, and I can handle that too.

I have crockpots and matches, so I’m good without an oven. Its going to be fine. My stiff upper lip is vibrating with heat, so I might be lying about that. (there’s always a tell when i’m lying to myself, always.)

My nephew is here and its been awesome how much that has lifted them all off their screens. Snow play, ‘hotel’ making, just plain running and a whole lot of trash talk… its been good. But now I want to take a big nap and not wake up at 4:30 for a little long time. February vacation indeed.

Fingers crossed for Thursday, when all three kids will be in school at the same time, one for the first time, since last March.

Fingers crossed and words to heaven, please.

love love,

me.

Yep. pretty much how its been. One boy throttling another, in humor. Or is it?