December shapes up, or does it?

ala cynthia lee, i am on an eleven day oddball shape of


  1. snowflake. this is my first christmas with just me and the kids. and they are off to their dad’s right now, having their first christmas of two, right this second. so i have this wild gift of free time before christmas, and i decorated the kitchen in snowflakes. i am surprised to find i have a quinceanara princess mindset right now. . . MORE MORE MORE. i can’t reach the beams unless i put a ladder on top of the kitchen table and i really want to guys, i really want to decorate the beams. it is surprising me. it makes me very happy. and i would not be surprised to find myself leaving the house tomorrow in search of more snowflakes. (my imagination is very strong and i will not put the ladder on the table, i swear, because i’ve seen myself broken on the floor in my mind a hundred times already)
  2. round, cocoa bombs. the big splurge is a dozen hot chocolate bombs filled with other things that melt down in warm milk. this is christmas eve with me. hot chocolate, snuggles on the sofa and low lights. we’re allowed to open one of our book presents. (by me, i allow us to open books, bought special for christmas eve.) me. there’s even enough for my mom and sister, if my mom will feel comfortable enough to sit on the porch long enough for me to warm the milk. we shall see.
  3. trees. i’m bringing out the trees while they are gone. they’ve been around the house, but today i’m bringing them all visible. because welcome to the woods of my house, my inner life needs the tomten. do you get that? man. i do. so very deeply.
  4. what is the shape a dog takes? dog-shape. this dog i have is the loveliest thing. oh my goodness, he gives me something to focus my love on in these times. there’s just too much to keep to myself. i think thats part of the terrible discomfort of these days and of this ‘clean break’ from men. i don’t know where to put all this love and romanticism. So, a dog. not romantic, but still.
  5. magic. what is the shape of the sparkle? (oh my goodness, i’m delirious.) i still have an entire kid to wrap presents for and i’m calling it quits for today already. i’ve been driving all over the damn place today. little things, all the little things. i should be done now. but, snowflakes?
  6. rectangles. the sofas. one purple, two pink. and it manages not to be insane looking. i’m happy with my home. and now its ready. these moments of quiet delirium might be the best moments of the winter, friends. they really might be.
  7. i really also love the shape of typed letters. i do. i’m so glad that i’ve been writing more and getting some feedback here and there. i really do enjoy the way my mind works sometimes and i love that it might spark something in someone else. minds are just astonishing.
  8. my two friends who are hospital workers have gotten the vaccine. it is immeasurable how much they are relieved. it is horrible what they are living with in their work lives. we expect them to act like soldiers at war, fighting for all of us. its horrendous. what is the shape of that?
  9. my arms wide open to hug you. that is the shape i am in.

-love love love



December noticing 2

the next nine. (thanks again to cynthia lee. find her on patreon and give her $3)

SMELL. a mix of what is here, and what i like, and what i remember.

  1. I made popcorn this morning to satisfy the ‘special snack’ for the ‘christmas snack bag’ broohaha for the youngest. I made the popcorn with a large amount of frustration and resentment. I think I am too tired, and I don’t entirely get it. although the dog woke me up at three to go outside. its just 9:30 in the morning and i’m tired. i’ve got to go to the grocery store soon and i’m tired, just so tired. the kitchen still smells of popcorn.
  2. i wrote today about my dad’s holiday pants. a great wool plaid that i remember so vividly, from the church fairs and the dinner parties of my early childhood. early childhood. before i was ten. there is a legend of the day i grabbed the car salesman’s legs, and clung, because he was wearing those pants and i thought it was my dad. a legend. a story forged, melted and solidified. i can still smell those pants. i miss my dad.
  3. i brushed my daughter’s hair before the popcorn mood fizzle. i brush it almost every day. she’s got strawberry red though she believes its blond, always uses yellow crayons to make her hair. i can’t really understand the willfull misstake, but i am here to tell you how good it smells, her hair. perpetually clean, fresh, makes me think of princesses and lacy doilies.
  4. the crisp crunch of snow. its a smell. it really is. its a blue smell. i can’t say anything more about it.
  5. libraries. i don’t know how it is that they all smell the same, but they do. paper, pragmatism, age.
  6. the radiator next to me smells of warmth. literal heat in waves to my nose. substantial. warm metal. huh. so much in there.
  7. the chicken coop smells like a chicken coop should. but its a reminder in all this warmth, there is a hell of a lot of shit.
  8. the lotion i’ve started putting on my face at night. i’m a little incredulous that i’ve developed, or have started to develop, a routine of pampering. i rub this yummy smell into my face and i just feel a tiny bit of delight about it. and my daughter told me i smelled good yesterday. because of my face. tiny delights.
  9. bacon. because really, this had to be bookended by the two best scents in the world, popcorn and bacon. bacon is the only thing that makes me pity vegans and vegetarians. otherwise, they’ve got the right of it. but still. bacon. sigh.

yeah, weight watchers is going well. (hysterical laughing/sobbing)

love love love,


look at her hair. oh my goodness. the wave is a curl for most of the year. sigh. beauty.


December and the downfall of tha motha.

I’m from New England so I get to put on a boston accent whenever I want, okay?

I forget all the time how busy this month is. Honestly, why do i keep forgetting?

Last week there was a birthday. 13. This week there was a lovely snowday… (snowdays now are still ‘remote learning’ days) I called the boys out sick and i took the kids sledding. Went down the hill a few times and had fun and then hid in the car for the rest of the time. I’m not super good with bitter cold winds and things. One of the boys was wearing my snow pants so me and denim were facing the cold with a kid dressed head to toe in plastic protective gear. totally fair.

the hill is mis-named Potato Hill, which townies will tell you again and again. but we call it potato hill and its sticking and so be it. things change. and it is right, and good. fucking deal with it.

one kid went skiing on the same hill. freeforming down the hill. it was awesome to watch and to realize how big he is. sigh.

the point: because i was thrown off my schedule, i completely and utterly forgot I had class at night and missed it. complete and utter. in spinning and being spontaneous, the routine was thrashed and i missed it .

and things like this just keep happening. i’m rolling with it. until i don’t. or sometimes maybe i throw up all over the kitchen or need to take a second bath in a day. you feel me, right?

hopefully you are not throwing up all over the kitchen. fingers crossed.

i counted all the presents this weekend. they’ve all got equal numbers. this is a fucking miracle. really. i’m not sure if i can say that loudly enough.


peace out, mofos.

good luck out there.



December Hush

We’re having a nice old snowstorm today, a little light on the storm and quite satisfying on the snow.

Cars are still going down my street so the slight whoosh of cars through the snow is the only modern day sound going on out there.

I called my two boys out absent so they could sleep late and maybe go sledding. My 8 year old girl wanted nothing more than to go login to class, so she’s currently giggling with her teacher online.

My dog is so chill he is currently eating his food while laying down. This, I find remarkable. But he may actually be tired. He is one of those dogs who is literally ecstatic about snow. He’s been asking to go out every 15 minutes, just to play. It is awesome to watch. My kids aren’t even as excited as he is.

I plan on wrapping some things for non-children people and maybe I’ll watch a Christmas movie.

Its so beautiful out there. And its pretty beautiful in here.

(I missed yesterday’s writing, because I had a headache which made me throw up all over my kitchen. Seriously. I had to fast for bloodwork so couldn’t take any medicine or eat food, and whammo. After bloodwork I just sat around with a coffee and ate a bunch of white bread. its my one day a week with no kids and work on the agenda. I was very sad, but could not read or write, just sit still like a dummy, and rally up the energy needed to clean up my own puke. glad i filled you in? oh yes, yes you are.)

but now its beautiful. All my kids are here, the heat is working, the snow is falling. My neighbor came by with a front end loader and cleared the top of my driveway. This is how I know I no longer live in the city. One of the ways.

but now it is beautiful. I am just in love with it. Staring out the window is my spirit animal.

love you guys.




Today is my middle child’s 13th birthday.

He is all sorts of wonderful. Wacky, quiet, loud and obnoxious, obsessed with the body humor of his age, a crooner, a hugger, a big-boned puppy who will be something else entirely when a growth spurt hits. There is so much. His quietude is never stillness. He is always watching. He is the one who can accurately read my moods and I have to hide from him when it might frighten or sadden him to see too much of my humanity.

Sigh. What a trip. I’m excited for my boys in the teen years, I really am. And I’ve seen a little bit of teenagery bullshit in his older brother, so I’m not completely high or anything. I know its going to be rocky and I’ll probably cry more about this one, is my guess. But the glories will be truly glorious.

and then there will be the girl.

I still love you guys. Take it easy out there. Be nice to each other. Gaze at sparkly lights.


That is a stuffed birthday cake that says ‘party animal’ on it. Yes, it is.