Humanity

January: It begins with

It begins with , from Cynthia lee prompt parade.

  1. It begins with time, and thought and a space for them all.
  2. It begins with coffee, and the luck to have some left over from yesterday afternoon, so- fastest ever arrival of joy.
  3. It begins with I, because I can’t still be arguing with myself about my own self-worth. Put me on the damn list, already. (I literally resisted this one. what the fuck is that about ? I am 46 fucking years old and i still resist putting myself on a list?! Jesus.)
  4. It begins with putting candles around the bathtub, now clean because, you know, it also begins with bathroom cleaning.
  5. It begins with paying the mortgage.
  6. It begins with re-assessing my relationship with retail therapy. I’m cut off, folks. I’m getting sloppy and trigger-finger with the amazon. It is not need-based and must cease. It is going to cause me problems paying the tripling heat bills. Cease.
  7. It begins with rejoining a dating site. (and possibly ends there too. I’m of two minds. Its so deeply unsatisfying, and I have great trouble not putting too much import on it.)
  8. It begins with locating the tarot cards, a focus is needed. There are so many things I need to find, this year, in this house, out there. Lost and Found, Hide and Seek, on a global scale.
  9. It begins with reading the story I’ve been wanting to read but couldn’t find the time, or that focus.
  10. It begins with clear eyes, feathers brushed along their closed forms to take the year’s cobwebs and tears away.
  11. It begins with acknowledging what has died this year. And that somber note rings and rings and shakes the ground.

There is so much friends, and then so much more.

How does it begin, for you?

love love,

me

Beach stones in the light of a sunset. Large driftwood tree trunk. It begins with this...

Humanity

December Wishes

What do you wish on?

not for, but ON…

  1. dahlias, when the dahlias are in bloom, i’m enraptured and can’t keep from being romantic and wistful and dreamy.
  2. when the clock says 11:11 , i pause and make me a wish, or feel the magic, or remember an old friend.
  3. the giantess of a full moon. she may be the quiet sister of the Sun, but our gaze is direct, we look at each other plainly. and i wish.
  4. the hair of my children, i’m so astonished by it, the peace i find in smelling them (most of the time, because honestly, sometimes they are RIPE)… the wishes i can’t help but make for them…
  5. everytime i’m in a candy section, i wish i had more self-control. Does this belong on this list? I don’t know either, but its in, on a technicality, i guess. (i’m always in a goddamned candy section, i swear to god, i don’t know how it keeps happening!)
  6. early morning dew on the grass, the path i can make through it, and see behind me as i walk to the chicken coop. so dreamy. makes me think of my effect on the world, the space i take up, the impact i really have.
  7. fires in the woodstove, firepits outside, all the intentional and not-terrifying fires. theres a level of humility in me when i watch, this most ancient of entertainments.

I’m not going to strain to make eleven today. I’m going to make wishes instead. I think the world needs more of them floating around. Maybe you’ll bump into one of mine today. Its going to be a good day.

love love,

me

+ala Cynthia Lee- her list today is amazing.

More wishfilled things. If wishes were toy burritos. . .
Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO THREE.

What brings you joy?

Today of all day I need to remember. And hold on to it in the days to come, when I close us all into the bunker. (i’m not entirely kidding but i don’t actually have a bunker. i’m too new england for that. i’ve heard it instead referred to as ‘rolling up the roads’… as in, closing them down… thats me, road closer, door slammer.)

  1. That I have a kid who likes glitter, sequins and shimmer and so it is more in my life than it might be otherwise. i love glitter. i don’t even care about the mess, i think it is a glorious mess, every time. Shimmer me silly.
  2. My cat sits and watches the birds in the bush for hours. Does she dream of capture or is she just fascinated by the quickness, the tiny-ness, the wings folded to body and flutter, flutter? if it weren’t for laundry, i might sit next to her.
  3. I’ve got a Tuesday writing group that is just four of us, used to be five (jenn!) but it is a tether to the world, for me. The world beyond mothering and all the labels that I put on and am sometimes suffocated by. Creative thought, emotion, wild admiration for other people, styles, lives. Its so simple and it’s a lifeline.
  4. Science. Yep, science brings me joy. I think of oceanographers, geologists, climatologists, virologists as a certain type of she-ro/hero and it thrills me to no end that there are such smart people in the world and they are currently working their collective asses off to try to save us all.
  5. So many people are voting. This is democracy on fire. I’m not saying anything else because this is a joy list not a panic and run to Canada list.
  6. The chimney that I look at from my writing spot, red brick, old, doing exactly what needs to be done. Keeping the air clear and carrying up and away the churn and billow. In my next life I want to be the chimney.  Or in this one, maybe.
  7. An empty dishwasher.
  8. Pad thai. Chicken pad thai. Madly.
  9. I love the silence of a beautiful snowfall. I love being in it, and then arriving home to watch it through a window. The whole of the world on pause.
  10. Supporting others. Really. If I can just give strong words of love and support to someone and see/hear/feel them being bolstered, it is a good time, and there is joy in the humanity of it.
  11. Pooft. I don’t know man. Hang in there, kids.

color. the girls experimenting this summer with chalk in water jugs at my saturday farm gig. joy.

Humanity

Do you still dream of escape?

I have been, lately. I think that suddenly doing the quarantine singly has thrown me back in time a little. I did this dreaming when the kids were little, when the marriage was sucking me dry and not giving me anything in return. I was thirsting for something, and my dreams of escape were daily and full of despair. I was just drowning, all the time, and the shore seemed like heaven.

I’m back to dreaming of escape. My only resource, really, is this house and the equity I will have in it when the kids are grown. So, it’ll be for sale. No home for the grandkids here. Which fills me with all sorts of sadness of the future grief sort. Not to mention the weight of an imagined future grief of the kids.

And its not the same kind of escape as before. Its not an escape because my life is horrendous. Its an escape because of circumstance, and change. And that’s an entire world, you dig?

I don’t know what will happen. I don’t envision finding a partner who wants to take on the financial burden of this place, even if I got the mortgage down to a reasonable rate. Hello, quarantine/reopeningbedamned makes it pretty unlikely i’m going to be making plans of any kind for a while. (good and bad here. patience is a lesson I am always learning.)

AND, I also want to allow that my kids will be fine, that they may not have kids, might not need me to have a net for them for the rest of their lives, as much as I want to spend the rest of my life providing one. Imagining the weight of future grief doesn’t seem like the best use of my life’s moments.

And so I am thinking about what I will do then, when the littlest heads off to college or whathaveyou. Will I buy an RV to live in for the remainder of my days? (nah, probably not)

The idea that I could go anywhere, try anything, be anywhere? Its pretty inspiring. and the reality is slightly scary. Presuming that I don’t have family besides siblings at that point, will I try to get closer to them? Will I head for natural beauty? Will I aim for the small town at the center of every picturesque whitey American novel? With the little community coffee shop bustling with gourmet treats and artistic flair?

Will I just buy a little house and try to stay healthy til I die? I mean, its all the rage to be middle-aged, right? But then comes older than that.

I think I need to widen my angle a little. Maybe I’ll have a real income earning job and I can host lots of ladies here, to rest and rejuvenate and chase chickens for their own betterment. I mean, I could do that too.

There are more possibilities than I know about. I have to keep that in mind, and keep my eyes open. Dreaming of escape without despair? Should be dreamy, right?

Right?

Humanity

Music Travails…

My hearing has been crap for a while now. But I used to listen to music, I did.I had two working ears and could make out what I liked to hear. I was never the driving force behind it in any crowd… it wasn’t me saying ‘hey, guys, listen to this..’ Even when my hearing was based on the two-ear system, i was always taken by the lyrics, the melodies or the thump of the beat… if it was such that i couldn’t figure out what was being said, it didn’t hold my interest. remember when the cassettes had all the lyrics on the foldouts? It kept me connected and i ended up memorizing a million things that are sometimes still with me, 30 years later.

I started walking the first day I was single during this pandemic. I had been happy and with a man who loved my body exactly as it was, so while i noticed my weight, it wasn’t until i was on my own and frazzled very very deeply, that i realized that i wasn’t strong anymore. so, walking at dawn while the kids sleep, almost every day at this point for about 4 weeks. to keep me motivated, i’ve played music on my phone.

and i’m in love. I started with old familiars that I could find on youtube. thank you, autoplay. on and on it went. i’ve got headphones that are bigger than your firstborn, but it has been completely awesome. I’m even discovering new things…

Remember Throwing Muses, Belly! Blondie, Indigo Girls, Mazzy Star, Stone Roses, Natalie Merchant? Sometimes I jump while I walk, for the memory, the surprise. I’m totally in love. The days I miss a walk, I’m bereft.

Belly : Feed the Tree

Blondie: Dreaming

Indigo Girls: Galileo

New to Me: the Bird and the Bee: My Love

Also, but I think I’ve always known this one: Waterboys: Fisherman’s Blues

So, I leave you with these three. and recognize a new breeze in coronatime.

ALSO: tell me what you are listening to. I like it all, if it has lyrics that spark.