Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO EIGHT : shaken

Where are things ‘off’? small and large.

i selected this prompt before #9. huh.

  1. There is a discrepancy between my relief and my recognition of what the closeness of the contest means. And while I am so so happy that Biden tipped the scales, the fact that both sides were so damn heavy is a distinct chill in the air and I know I was the sheep they said I was!!, in terms of remaining ignorant while calling myself ‘woke’. There is nothing small in this one.
  2. Don’t tell me to just be happy. I’m hopeful, and that’s a step in the right direction from despair. But do I feel like celebrating? No not really. I’m deeply relieved though. Deeply.
  3. The house feels off lately. Things are devolving into a little bit too much chaos. The way my brain shut down this week has meant less tidy-ing and more dishes piled up in kid areas, and even some furniture moved. I need to vacuum maybe? And the kids have been here nonstop for a bit and that’s part of it. The house needs to breath empty for a day once in a while.
  4. I feel pretty sexy pretty often. But I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, and its making me feel unsexy sometimes. I’m grappling with that, and know that I also have to fit ‘aging’ into the equation. My face is not smooth, I am soft in all the ways.  I am positive I would not be so conscious of this if I were not single and ‘looking’ and being looked at.  But I’d still be aware of it, just not so critical of it.
  5. In my heaviness, my breasts are gigantic, like pregnancy gigantic. I’m nearly tipping over. Maybe this will be too much information or attract the wrong readers. Its not like I’m going to show them. And go away, if you are the wrong sort.
  6. I’m definitely spending too much energy on the wrong things in my life. I’m torn about it, two strips of scrap paper on the floor with the animal hair. It feels so useless, though I suppose it burns like the rest of it.  I don’t know how to re-align.
  7. Some of the things: anxiety about wellness. (so say we all), restructuring my income sources ( I am stuck right now and cannot), addiction to phone (stuck and don’t know how to cut off my new limb)..
  8. Energy is my bag. I feel it, I ‘pray’ with it. Things are off.
  9. And we just had an earthquake. Honestly, how could I make shit like this up? 2020 keeps on giving.
  10. 10. We don’t need no 10. We just had an earthquake. In New England.