DAY OFF!! Tv and Lipstick

I took my first day off in a month plus of writing.

and I didn’t even like it.

but I did like the day, mostly. It was a pouring heavy day, blustery and dark, pitch black by four. I didn’t do a stitch of work except for cleaning the dishes in the sink and making myself a frozen microwave dinner. (gross, it was gross)

I finished the Supernatural series that I started at the beginning of quarantine. As much as I liked those boys, they never actually got good. I watched fifteen years of them, so I feel like I watched them go through stuff over the years, they got old (my age) and never really learned any acting ways. I didn’t really mind, and I cried a little at the ending. I did. ‘Tis the season.

I went out once, to CVS to buy lipstick. I decided to give it a week of trying to put lipstick on, because, what the hell? time to play with a new kind of costume. I’ve got time. Of course I’ll add a picture. Dude. stop asking.

You wouldn’t know it because you are a reader here, but I haven’t worn any makeup at all for at least a decade, except on my first dates. and even then, its mascara and thats probably all. . . talk about catfishing. but now, I’ve got old lady splinter lips, like, scary cracks and wrinkles and stuff around my lips. (sexy, yes.) I’m not totally sure that anyone notices that kind of thing, unless you are wearing lipstick and are in grey gardens. so its a fear, this thing, i might draw attention to my age rather than my sexy lips, and yes, i tried to watch a google video on what to do about ‘mature’ lips, and basically got ‘chapstick’ as an answer and I don’t really know what to do about that – so I asked a makeup artist friend and she gave me a list of chemicals and stuff that I cannot imagine will last more than a week before I give up again. (see trip to cvs, and lots of wasted money.)

Already, I have wasted your time, and mine and it was all about lipstick.

Happy SUNDAY!!

also, i lied to my weight watchers app. I see this as a sparkling great beginning, full of promise.



What have you learned this week?

  1. My mom likes me, doesn’t always get me but loves me anyhow.
  2. Sometimes i am too quick.
  3. You CAN eat too many mushrooms.
  4. Its hard to stay up til midnight waiting to see if you can get a ps5. I don’t have the stamina and I don’t care and $500 is a fuckton of money for videogames. He’s going to get a blanket and and IOU for Christmas. Are people really nonchalant about $500? I’m not feeling nonchalant and I’m glad I couldn’t find it, but don’t tell him. I’d be happy to spread the cost out over another month. I’m not proud of this sharing, as I think I basically don’t want to buy this thing, and am anyhow. This is complicated and look how stupidly lucky I am to hem and haw over it.
  5. I need help this Christmas. Not with money, but with thought. The kids will have significantly less under the tree because we will have no guests, and so the mom in me is trying hard to envision ways to make it special. They have an unwrapping day at their dads the day before, so I’m already playing catchup and fill in the blanks here. I’m feeling overly ‘singlemom’ about this. How do I make magic??
  6. Every year I kindof think I will do something on Black Friday but every year I stay in my pajamas. and this year? Jesus. of course I’m home.
  7. Christmas crackers? Those British cylinders of goodness that whacko Americans are co-opting for some holiday pleasure? They are called crackers because they make noise. Deafie here never knew. Always wondered but never knew. Learning curves are dizzying.
  8. Pajamas with the addition of my apple dress for warmth mean I look entirely nutso. I think I’m going to go hang out on the porch with a martini glass and just shoot the shit with the birds. Glass will be empty because I don’t really drink and my god, its the morning, and really, martinis have made me vomit in the past. I just want to entertain the neighbors driving by. I’m generous like that.
  9. I can’t always access my inner life. Like, that golden bit in the middle? I’m working on it, honestly, but half-heartedly at the same time, because it can be overwhelming to be in touch with it. Burning bush, right? Doesn’t actually sound that appealing, does it?
  10. I love puzzles. I do. I forget they exist, all the time, even when the puzzle table is just three feet away. But when I remember them, I have to fight myself not to do them all in one sitting. This one, currently, is my littlest’s, and finishing it would be flat-out cruel. But I want to, and I’m perseverating on it. Damn devil of a thing.

Thats all, these are the things I am learning, have learned, am in the process of sharing, with you, who are also learning.

Sigh. What have you learned, my troops? What have you learned today, this week?

Apple dress. Clearly not feeling vain today. (omg)


Where are things ‘off’? small and large.

i selected this prompt before #9. huh.

  1. There is a discrepancy between my relief and my recognition of what the closeness of the contest means. And while I am so so happy that Biden tipped the scales, the fact that both sides were so damn heavy is a distinct chill in the air and I know I was the sheep they said I was!!, in terms of remaining ignorant while calling myself ‘woke’. There is nothing small in this one.
  2. Don’t tell me to just be happy. I’m hopeful, and that’s a step in the right direction from despair. But do I feel like celebrating? No not really. I’m deeply relieved though. Deeply.
  3. The house feels off lately. Things are devolving into a little bit too much chaos. The way my brain shut down this week has meant less tidy-ing and more dishes piled up in kid areas, and even some furniture moved. I need to vacuum maybe? And the kids have been here nonstop for a bit and that’s part of it. The house needs to breath empty for a day once in a while.
  4. I feel pretty sexy pretty often. But I’m heavier than I’ve ever been, and its making me feel unsexy sometimes. I’m grappling with that, and know that I also have to fit ‘aging’ into the equation. My face is not smooth, I am soft in all the ways.  I am positive I would not be so conscious of this if I were not single and ‘looking’ and being looked at.  But I’d still be aware of it, just not so critical of it.
  5. In my heaviness, my breasts are gigantic, like pregnancy gigantic. I’m nearly tipping over. Maybe this will be too much information or attract the wrong readers. Its not like I’m going to show them. And go away, if you are the wrong sort.
  6. I’m definitely spending too much energy on the wrong things in my life. I’m torn about it, two strips of scrap paper on the floor with the animal hair. It feels so useless, though I suppose it burns like the rest of it.  I don’t know how to re-align.
  7. Some of the things: anxiety about wellness. (so say we all), restructuring my income sources ( I am stuck right now and cannot), addiction to phone (stuck and don’t know how to cut off my new limb)..
  8. Energy is my bag. I feel it, I ‘pray’ with it. Things are off.
  9. And we just had an earthquake. Honestly, how could I make shit like this up? 2020 keeps on giving.
  10. 10. We don’t need no 10. We just had an earthquake. In New England.