Tag: dating

Humanity

Nets. Weaves. Catching on. Snag. damn. again with the unfriendly-seo titles…

Lovelovemotherexpletive

There is all this meshing going on… i’m having to blend aspects of myself into a sort of support sling and i’m no knitter and perhaps the weave will be strongest anyhow…

i’m in process on this one so bear with me.

new man is bringing up a lot of old traumas that i’m having to work through. turns out i’m not done with being fearful of being lied to… SO not done.

turns out some people just tell truth.  wtf. you don’t have to figure out what they MEAN? shoot. makes everything so much easier… and theres so much more time in a day…

i’m trying to come up with a ‘guiding question’ to fulfill a prompt, and i’ve now delayed the writing by about a week… and i’m supposed to think about ‘intention’ today and i’m trying to dream about a future wherein i can feel the feels and not run screaming into the woods or into the goddamned wall. (this pertains to both man and to work, which is horribly in flux right now…) and how the hell does one plan a dream?

if i apply all this questioning to the ‘plan’ for the future, the next year of myself as business?  what sort of mental gymnastics must i do?  is there a way to make this all easier? how do i get to some sort of truthtelling of myself ? to myself?

i’m no mystic on the mountainside, or even in a nice comfy cottage… i don’t know anyone who has got it all figured out, to ask about it.  sometimes i dream of asking my grammie, but i think she was too no-nonsense to deal with this sort of thing. and maybe there is something in that. life is the same, whether you inspect it or not… right?

is that a road i really want to travel on? hm. its pretty close to ‘it is what it is’… which is possibly the most unsatisfying thing ever. and no matter how intellectually i attack it, i’m just not sure i truly believe in it.  IS IT ? IS THIS REALLY THE WAY IT IS? REALLY?

I choose dreamy watercolor puddles. Colors in a pile. unplanned moments.

whats my walking prayer? whats my intention in my step? whats my guiding question? what do i catch in my net when i lay it all down?

US- Canada border. Stop Arret sign... Unwifedmotherexpletive
STOP? ARRET? FERME? CLOSED? oh really? I drove right through. . . perspective is everything.

i wish i had some pat answer that would be a viral meme. because. hello. i need money and ad-clicking.

but i don’t have a viral meme in me.  I wonder about curiosity and openheartedness… how i can keep them more …before me as i step…

wonder about what is… don’t allow fear to send me to the wall… just keep prying my heart back open every time it shutters. (shudders) .. which, if you are human, can hurt a whole lot and is pretty hard to do the 32nd time it happens…

sigh.  work in process. progress?

whatever.

love you…

kate

Sam Hall encaustic with ribbon
Humanity

so, i’ve been away. details.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

i wish i could show you all the details i have been seeing lately. with a curated swath of beautiful photos, dew on the grass, beautiful natural light showcasing the inner glow of a woman.

but, no, not really. that is evidently the strength given to others.  i’m much more of a mashup. my strengths mixing and matching my surroundings on any given day. and i’m tired. maybe just an adrenalin crash and an open door when its just *not quite* warm enough.

and still.

guys.

  • Sam Hall encaustic with ribbonthere is a guy.
  • i don’t want to be the girl who talks about a guy.
  • i’m not sure when i started thinking that women who talked about men were foolish, but i’ve gotten there.  i’m pretty sure its not valid thinking.
  • i’ve got 164 dollars in the bank, not counting a cd i got 4 years ago that i will not touch unless the house burns down and i need to shelter the kids from a storm.
  • i’m going to montreal this weekend. have a passport and a sister and mother who are driving it all. unless i drive some too, which i sure will offer to.
  • i’ve been given a gigantic bouquet of new friendships, and i can’t believe it, and its almost as remarkable as having a guy around. and maybe even more so, frankly.
  • i have developed a belief that nothing gold can stay.  this is causing problems. and might be a pervasive belief that i have a hard time unraveling from my daily life, if i can even do such a thing.
  • i’m tired and pretty happy but the tired brain has started to self-check all the things that are going on lately and that bitch is just not nice.
  • My kids keep telling me I have to get a real job. And I have a lot of feels about that. a whole lot of feels. and boy, do i feel a storm coming on.
  • i’ve remembered that bread, with butter and jam, is one of the finer things in life. toast, that is. toast.
  • there’s a lot more but i wanted to reach out and touch your face a little.

 

be back soon.

kate

 

artwork by Sam Hall.

Humanity

check.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

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weird upper lip. check. fuzzy face. check. asymetry in the facial features. check.

sigh.

man who likes me anyhow? check.

 

more on that one. eventually. suffice it to say that my mind is not on writing this week.  it’ll regather as the days move on…

Humanity

insane in the membrane. (sorry cypress hill)

Lovelovemotherexpletive

so, i’ve met a guy. another one.  not my type. want to know why? i think he’s just like me.

and so there is some work for me to do and i’m in a vulnerability hangover every time i think about it. 0408191821

sheesh. have to go take meds. forgot again. hold on.

kay. but thats not the reason for the vulnerability hangover. listen, this is how it goes.

‘you can’t keep putting me first, thats not good for you’. me to he. ‘but thats how i am, i need to know you so i can be what you need me to be, for you’ he to me.

BUT THATS CRAZY!!! me to he.

we? agree to disagree.

the problem here is that he is saying things i’ve said, how i lived for a long time, and why in the end, marriage couldn’t be worked out for me.  I’m not saying i was a slavish wife and only served my man.

i wasn’t. i began to have children, i’ve always had a personality, i’ve always had needs…but it begins with who gets up for the babies, doesn’t it…for me it did.  who’s life is too important to be turned upside down?

i never was able to articulate what my needs were. and part of that was that everyone else went first.   and now… i am being forced to practice, because i’m staring in a mirror all the time.

who gets fed first at your house?

sigh.

i know thats a multifaceted question, and practicality and all, but really… its that dangling emergency oxygen….

and i swear, i’d die while offering it to others. just plumb up and die.

chew on that.

 

 

 

 

Humanity

raggedy bitch

Lovelovemotherexpletive

so i am home with a child recovering from a night of throw up and fever. she responds like a champ to kids ibuprofen so right now she seems completely normal, like maddeningly normal. .  . but in 4.3 hours, when that dose runs out… its back to weep and groan and moan. . . so there. there is that.

i am mom, hear me roar. again.  this season has been ridiculous. RIDICULOUS.

its nice that so many years have passed of momming now… i get tired… but i’m not nearly as depleted as I was when it was new, and there were two under three… its a huge universe of different.

i’m not as ragged anywhere… sometimes i think back to that time and i wonder how i even got through it.  i was in a marriage that didn’t give me a feeling of safety, or any real sense of ‘break’… i was home with kids all the time and i was overwhelmed by all of it.  i was completely unsure that I existed, outside of what i ‘did’.

i was some kind of raggedy.

there is a real reservoir of peace in my life now.  it sits right next to the reservoir of fear that i also have.  twinning.

honestly, i can’t tell you if the peace pond has gotten deeper or if the fear reservoir is wider or if there’s more peace because the kids are older or because Hubs is out of the picture?  I mean, thats a whole lot of choice and powerful changes, right?

I was supposed to have a meeting with my Reiki teacher, chakra carol, today… but because of kid sickness it was cancelled.  I mean, if i had a dollar for every time i’d had to cancel something because of kids?  sheesh…

anyhow. so we talked on the phone and i bedazzled her with a million items to talk about before she waited me out to exhaustion. and then… things like this.

We are all on a journey to peace. we just don’t all know it.

Acknowledging the fear is the beginning of unraveling it.

I don’t have to go on a shamanic journey, naked in the desert, to deal with my fears, I just have to keep noticing them.  Noticing when I feel them, when I avoid them, what I think they might be…

and Not being ready doesn’t mean Never being ready.

 

So there are days like this, when little is done but laundry and a movie or two… and still, i can drift a thousand times more whole than i ever was before, and there is still work to be done. but here i am. existing.

 

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