Tag: anxiety

Humanity

Wild, wild pendulum.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Honestly, my moods are fucking insane.

I want to blame the hormonal shifts that come with perimenopause, I do. Fucking 47 years old.

But I am also doing a lot of things and trying to stack all the pieces just right so that nothing falls down, and its a lot anxiety provoking.

Today’s freak out was about money. I’m trying to refinance a house and since you know how profitable the blog is, I am sure you are not worried about me at all. but still, the working at farms thing isn’t really the best idea when you are trying to prove yourself to a bank. So i feel like I’m in a movie, and I’m the down on her luck salesman who just sits at the loan desk, waiting for a better answer. And I’m doing a lot of rabbit hole blame towards my ex and myself for all the latitude I have given him, which has put me in this hole in the first place. GOOD FUCKING GOD. And blame is not something I like to saddle up on. Its very prickly, and in a very bad way.

Sigh.

Today I did not have to go to any work places, because I had a mammogram appointment and some therapy (soon, very soon now.) And its snow/raining so I am incredibly lucky. And my old body is still creaking from the last couple of days anyhow. You really should have seen me getting up from the sofa yesterday. Really really.

However, having all the time to snuggle is no good, when things feel like they are ricocheting around the room. ‘Things’ being my moods.

Turns out this is just a complaining post. Goddamnit. Maybe I’ll come back after therapy and see whats up then?

Please hold: Part 2 will be arriving shortly. . .

Okay. well fuck. So, turns out I’m completely anxious for good reason. Right? I mean, money, and dreams and hopes pinned on bureaucracy (i had to look the spelling of that up, bureau? really?) are anxiety-provoking things.

And I was missing my dad, my right-hand man who helped me do stuff like this. He’d let me do it, but somehow I’d feel much more in control. Protected somehow from the slings and arrows. I guess we all want that. and i do.

I’m okay. I’m glad of therapy to point out what might lie beneath the annoyance of refinancing my life and dreams. I’ll be fine, refinancing or no. and thats the whole damn truth.

fine.

  • lovelove
Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO THREE.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

What brings you joy?

Today of all day I need to remember. And hold on to it in the days to come, when I close us all into the bunker. (i’m not entirely kidding but i don’t actually have a bunker. i’m too new england for that. i’ve heard it instead referred to as ‘rolling up the roads’… as in, closing them down… thats me, road closer, door slammer.)

  1. That I have a kid who likes glitter, sequins and shimmer and so it is more in my life than it might be otherwise. i love glitter. i don’t even care about the mess, i think it is a glorious mess, every time. Shimmer me silly.
  2. My cat sits and watches the birds in the bush for hours. Does she dream of capture or is she just fascinated by the quickness, the tiny-ness, the wings folded to body and flutter, flutter? if it weren’t for laundry, i might sit next to her.
  3. I’ve got a Tuesday writing group that is just four of us, used to be five (jenn!) but it is a tether to the world, for me. The world beyond mothering and all the labels that I put on and am sometimes suffocated by. Creative thought, emotion, wild admiration for other people, styles, lives. Its so simple and it’s a lifeline.
  4. Science. Yep, science brings me joy. I think of oceanographers, geologists, climatologists, virologists as a certain type of she-ro/hero and it thrills me to no end that there are such smart people in the world and they are currently working their collective asses off to try to save us all.
  5. So many people are voting. This is democracy on fire. I’m not saying anything else because this is a joy list not a panic and run to Canada list.
  6. The chimney that I look at from my writing spot, red brick, old, doing exactly what needs to be done. Keeping the air clear and carrying up and away the churn and billow. In my next life I want to be the chimney.  Or in this one, maybe.
  7. An empty dishwasher.
  8. Pad thai. Chicken pad thai. Madly.
  9. I love the silence of a beautiful snowfall. I love being in it, and then arriving home to watch it through a window. The whole of the world on pause.
  10. Supporting others. Really. If I can just give strong words of love and support to someone and see/hear/feel them being bolstered, it is a good time, and there is joy in the humanity of it.
  11. Pooft. I don’t know man. Hang in there, kids.

color. the girls experimenting this summer with chalk in water jugs at my saturday farm gig. joy.

Humanity

NOVEMBER NONO TWO – fucksake, guys.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

2. What do you bring to the world? There will be much profanity in here.

Ah, fuck.

  1. I’m trying. This morning I’m really mad and I can’t shake it and there is no definable pin-able thing, except everything. The boy who says ‘why can’t you just get it for me?’ when I tell him to get his own drink when there is a break in his classes.  It is hard to break from being a people-pleaser but I’ve never been more certain that I’ll die if I try. And I get mad at myself for the doubt-step I take when I hear another demand. AND THERE IS ALWAYS A DOUBT STEP! why? why is that? why do i think that being a good mom means servitude? is kindness to my kids weakening their ability to survive? Sometimes i think, absolutely! and so it goes, over and over. fuckitall.
  2. Charlie chaplin has a quote about life being worthwhile if you just smile. Well. Raise your hand if anyone has ever told you to ‘smile. Lighten up.’  How’d that work out for you? I love me some Charlie and I have a great goddamned smile. God bless you if you try to force it out of me though. seriously. i’ll punch you right in the mouth. (no, i won’t.)
  3. I am carrying a fuckton of anxiety right now. The election, the violence directly under the skin of the country. The president who is condoning and calling it forth. I’m trying to not look around but its not proving as easy as I had hoped. So say we all.  
  4. Writing is hard. It is good to keep trying. I’m trying. I’m trying. To get my fingers oiled up again, to do one while I do fifty thousand other things. And while being mad, and anxious. and wanting it to be something that i can offer the world? goddamn. it makes me feel all weak-kneed.
  5. I bring a lot of color into the world, to bring me back to the prompt. I paint, I dress, I appreciate the color. I garden. I gather. I notice what is here. I bring, I notice.
  6. I’m stretching, trying to accommodate and failing. Failing. It’s the windowpane test, you bakers, and I’m stretched too thin.
  7. I’d love to say I gift my kindness to the world but I’m scared, and its hard to be kind when you are hiding. And yes, truly, that’s how I feel right now, about politics and about living here. I don’t even know how to face my children with this- this outlook is so pessimistic and just lie down on the ground and surrender sad.
  8. I’m trying to do a little thinking about my goals, longer term than making it to Friday. I think it will help me a little to seek out what might happen on the next few Saturdays, or even in a month or a year. Strain strain, seek, strain.
  9. I want to bring my golden core of goodness out. I want to have more wants. I feel like I’m surging with tides and while I think there is so much great beauty in that, I would like to feel the sand beneath my toes too.

10. While maybe this is a morose list, don’t worry. I’m only dealing with what we all are, and I’m relatively okay, and still pretty goddamned lucky for how I’ve been able to get through this all so far. And my rights aren’t on any ballot. And I’m not breonna taylor, dead in her bed. and i die a little on the inside for the truth of the truth.

Blurry. Its all blurry. Sigh.