NOVEMBER NONO TWO – fucksake, guys.

2. What do you bring to the world? There will be much profanity in here.

Ah, fuck.

1. I’m trying. This morning I’m really mad and I can’t shake it and there is no definable pin-able thing, except everything. The boy who says ‘why can’t you just get it for me?’ when I tell him to get his own drink when there is a break in his classes.  It is hard to break from being a people-pleaser but I’ve never been more certain that I’ll die if I try. And I get mad at myself for the doubt-step I take when I hear another demand. AND THERE IS ALWAYS A DOUBT STEP! why? why is that? why do i think that being a good mom means servitude? is kindness to my kids weakening their ability to survive? Sometimes i think, absolutely! and so it goes, over and over. fuckitall.
2. Charlie chaplin has a quote about life being worthwhile if you just smile. Well. Raise your hand if anyone has ever told you to ‘smile. Lighten up.’  How’d that work out for you? I love me some Charlie and I have a great goddamned smile. God bless you if you try to force it out of me though. seriously. i’ll punch you right in the mouth. (no, i won’t.)
3. I am carrying a fuckton of anxiety right now. The election, the violence directly under the skin of the country. The president who is condoning and calling it forth. I’m trying to not look around but its not proving as easy as I had hoped. So say we all.  
4. Writing is hard. It is good to keep trying. I’m trying. I’m trying. To get my fingers oiled up again, to do one while I do fifty thousand other things. And while being mad, and anxious. and wanting it to be something that i can offer the world? goddamn. it makes me feel all weak-kneed.
5. I bring a lot of color into the world, to bring me back to the prompt. I paint, I dress, I appreciate the color. I garden. I gather. I notice what is here. I bring, I notice.
6. I’m stretching, trying to accommodate and failing. Failing. It’s the windowpane test, you bakers, and I’m stretched too thin.
7. I’d love to say I gift my kindness to the world but I’m scared, and its hard to be kind when you are hiding. And yes, truly, that’s how I feel right now, about politics and about living here. I don’t even know how to face my children with this- this outlook is so pessimistic and just lie down on the ground and surrender sad.
8. I’m trying to do a little thinking about my goals, longer term than making it to Friday. I think it will help me a little to seek out what might happen on the next few Saturdays, or even in a month or a year. Strain strain, seek, strain.
9. I want to bring my golden core of goodness out. I want to have more wants. I feel like I’m surging with tides and while I think there is so much great beauty in that, I would like to feel the sand beneath my toes too.

10. While maybe this is a morose list, don’t worry. I’m only dealing with what we all are, and I’m relatively okay, and still pretty goddamned lucky for how I’ve been able to get through this all so far. And my rights aren’t on any ballot. And I’m not breonna taylor, dead in her bed. and i die a little on the inside for the truth of the truth.