Category: Uncategorized

Uncategorized

Ages past

Lovelovemotherexpletive

oh god, its been a while.  0730181243b

it took me ages just to figure out how to log back in here.

i’m processing and integrating all the things i’ve been learning lately.

I’m working as a freelance writer, currently working on a Cybersecurity newsletter and creating facebook ads.  Its not much money, but still way more than preschool teacher.

I can’t work at the preschool again because a new owner bought it, and doesn’t have the enrollment.

i’m still dating, even possibly entertaining ‘feelings’ but nothing life changing. i’ve had enough of life-changing in the past few years, so i’m sort of blocked in that way.

I hope everybody is well and i’m planning out a post for the next few days, wherein i talk about…

WHY I AM A FREAKING GENIUS AT DATING.

Because I am, thats why. and i’m going to try and explain it so other women can try it on, because its pretty damn fun.

Uncategorized

Lush

Lovelovemotherexpletive

0513181205.jpg

It is wildly spring. Everything is mating, everything is setting up shop.  I’ve got a new spirit dress for curve and flow. And the lush is sometimes in overload. and needs to be cut back.

and if you are a single mama and your lawn is larger than the house, and the lawnmower breaks, you are soon living in a meadow, which is nice, until the ticks start coming home.

and if you have no fucking clue how to address a machine in the driveway, you will call a friend who used to be a lover and who still wants to be a lover but should not be again a lover, and he will come and rip out the offender and tell you how to order a part. and you will. and then when it comes he will warn you not to replace the part because it is tricksy, and you will need his help. and so you wait .

and wait.

life is busy. so busy.  the sun comes out and you see another scarefair about lyme. so you go to the driveway and fix the goddamned lawnmower yourself.

and you run around for the rest of the weekend like Rocky at the top of the stairs. cue the music, and all…

Uncategorized

Ping Pong

Lovelovemotherexpletive

baseballnight.jpg

all the things. the yin the yang, the push the pull, waves on the beach, killing me softly.  i’ve got all the duality you can muster, in me.  i am frequently (still) swamped by grief for the family and marriage that i do not have.  I am occasionally (now) roaring my strength and contentment to the hills.

i have self-esteem issues. Sometimes i feel insecure about my words, my offerings, because i don’t know who the hell i am to say such things!  what right do i have to offer advice when my life is so screwy? when i haven’t ‘proven’ myself a success? and then i wonder if the only people allowed to give advice are considered successes? really? are their challenges all resolved? are they only the oldest of the old?  *have you noticed that the gurus on the mountaintops, hermit-style, are all men? is that because women have so much less interest in living uncomfortably? or in such isolation? or because they don’t want anyone else to have to do the work of feeding them? hm.

I have self-esteem issues.* Fuck you if you don’t think I’m the goddamned rockstar.  Fuck you if you don’t think I’m the wisest thing out there. I withhold myself because I don’t want to be spread too thin, because my wealth is in my coherence, my solidity. and so few people deserve it.

*this part of self-esteem issue feels unbearably awful to me. but it is sometimes what i’ve got. so there.

I’m a rebel. and a people pleaser. and if you spend your whole decade plus trying to please someone who is not pleased, you might find your rebel rising. and then that rise turns into refusal.  i don’t want to spend my life as bartleby scrivner, guv.  *his catchphrase, ‘I prefer not to’. ad nauseum.

It is a mixed bag, this delving into self-identification. we, well, I know that words are just shells for meaning, and inadequate ones at that.

Uncategorized

Sweet ED.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

cuttings.jpgIt really has been an education for me, this navigation of adult relationships with men.  Honestly.

I thought I knew what I was doing when I was 24, but age and experience, and baggage, do a whole lot to shake up those notions.  the bubbles are going the wrong way!! ( just watched the BFG last night… if you don’t watch kids movies on the regular, well, then, lucky you, maybe.) I’m on a constant learning curve, and when you add in a new fella pretty regularly, it can feel like a fucking rollercoaster. and i do not like that. but. there are moments of calm, and real learning.

Ed, this man that I have communicated with for almost a year, is now my lovah. I see him once a week, and know very little about his day to day life.  and if that sentence didn’t blow your mind, then imagine how my brain churns on this reality.  He is astonishingly well put together.  (wiggling eyebrows)

we don’t date. we don’t see each other outside of our tuesday mornings.  we don’t talk on the phone, although there are texts, and i have gotten recorded messages from him.

but thats it. we meet at the door in the kitchen and kiss. sometimes we barely say hello.

today he was telling me i was beautiful. over and over. just the words ‘you’re so beautiful’… again and again. and i got emotional. had to put my head on his chest to hide the possibility from myself, and from him.

To have someone say that to you?

educational.

Uncategorized

Mastermind

Lovelovemotherexpletive

So, right now I am not dating anyone at all.  I have some friends I can call on if I need to get physical, but there is not a date anywhere in my immediate scene. (DUDE. DID YOU READ THAT SENTENCE? HOLY SHIT.)  A date, for those of you uninitiated into the dating over 40 scene, which involves heavy doses of john hughes-ian fantasy mixed with crushing edwardscissorhands bitter realities, is pretty sweet… if you discount all those descriptors….  Ideally, it is a nice place, a good conversation that flows easily, and a few drinks… although, truly, i can only have one if i have driven myself… so, cheap date.   OH! god, remind me to talk about how to decide paying for it. jesus. stupid gender stuff. so stupid. but for real. every time.

0425180906

its a chance to dress up, to put on makeup, to investigate a new person… its fun, and exciting, really, as long as there is a hint of reciprocity and a conversational flow.  I don’t even, really, care about appearance, though it definitely determines my willingness to get close… conversation is always possible. should be. even in this fucked up, divisive time.

there was one guy i dated who did not vote. ever. proudly. and didn’t really like immigrants, who did his work but less expensively…  and it almost ended us.  but then he said this, ‘but.so. you don’t ever talk to people who have different opinions than you?’ and so , he won. and we talked an awful lot about it. and i never even changed his mind, but we kept talking and i don’t think he’s a bad person for his views, i just don’t have them and never will.

but i’m not dating him anymore, and i’ll eventually tell you how that was… but til then i can wear my liberal snowflake suit anytime i want now.

sigh.

this country.

I wish there were some omnipotent guiding force, some mastermind behind all of this, so that i felt like we, and I were walking in the right direction, sidesteps aside…

sigh.

( i know, light within, and all . mustard seeds, thats what i say to you who know what i’m talking about…mustard seeds…)

 

sigh.