For the first year of my separation, I was not interested. I mean, not even mildly. I was really bereft, and while I did begin to acknowledge what a poor experience I have had in marriage, I still missed that man a whole lot, and had to let go of all the love I had been holding. Still working on that.
But, as my birthday rolled around at the year and a half mark, I wanted to tackle some of those firsts… first date, first kiss, first sackrace. 🙂
So, I turned on Tinder. Yes, I did. My first photo was a picture of my silverware drawer, because i didn’t want anyone in my town to suddenly be aware that I was dating. And, Tinder, it isn’t a fast track to loose sex or anything…well, not for me… but it definitely did get me a lot of text sex. And man, that was titillating. It was one of the things I realized had been going on during my marriage, ( i mean, not for me, but whatever….) and man, it was more powerful than I had realized, as a time consumer and an emotional outlay. I had to smoke cigarettes just to handle the flood of sexy thoughts I was having…
I still say thats a problem. and today i haven’t had any cigarettes. and i’m all fidgety, and likely to pick a fight… but i’m surrounded by kids, so that makes me a little bit of an asshole. damn. and i’d really like a glass of wine. but you know what goes really great with a glass of wine? oh, yeah, sweetness of smoky….
and what to do with all that fidget? and that, uh, ‘energy’? yep. tv. the deadener of all things.
today is tuesday. my kids are with their dad for four whole hours. and i can watch tv that doesn’t have fortnite all over it. so i leap.
wineless, almost. (ha! See what i did there?!)
Just been set adrift on the monkey mind fuck of being worried about money. EXbubs says I will need a full time job this fall because money is too tight for him, and i hear that, and i need my own, reliable benefits, because i am tired of arriving at the pharmacy just to be told they’ve lapsed again…. but it means changing jobs, and possibly childcare and more and more changes, and facing the vulnerability of an unsteady financial life…. and i’m just having a hard time reigning in my overactive imagination/adrenalin kick. when you’re having an adrenalin surge and you’re just sitting on your ass in front of a typewriter, your body gets all out of whack, and there is no processed food that is safe.
sweet, almost all of it. . . but some days there really feels like a ittybitty boat is sitting atop some murky and important reservoir of ‘don’t look here’…