Category: Divorce

Divorce, Humanity

Advice For Women after Divorce

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Seriously.  There needs to be more free and unrelated to me advice systems out there.  I mean, go google it. No, don’t.. I’m just kidding.  Its a mess.

Get a life. Get a lawyer, again. Get your nails done. God will forgive you.  Self-care, damnit. Ladies night. kids are resilient. Worry.  Drink. Be true and Authentic.  Don’t say anything to anyone, you might damage the kids. Screw him. Preserve the ideal for the kids. Don’t cry in front of them.  Cry in front of them. Don’t drink, but if you do, don’t tell anyone.  Get a lawyer, again. Don’t feel intimate with them anymore, don’t pretend you knew each other, ever.

sigh.  damn. there’s a lot.  I can’t ‘keyword optimize’ because i hate that shit. i can barely capitalize. there is so much, and every single couple who divorces, and woman who is part of that, is unique. so a bath every day for the first four months worked for me, but won’t work for you.  yes, yes, this is my bath.

tiles window bathroom marble
Photo by William LeMond on Pexels.com

No, no its not.

Numbing is great, like , fucking great.  but doesn’t actually help with grief, or devastation. its still there, lurking. the only way through it is THROUGH it.  if you put it off, its just waiting for you. might as well hit it with a bat again and again… get the mugger out of the freaking equation.

so says i.

my kids were freaked out by my bathing so often. but it was so warm. and solitary. and i was clean.

which is more than i am today.

Divorce, Humanity

Truth and Baggage

Lovelovemotherexpletive

0901181741aSometimes I can see clearly that my ex is making up a story about me., making me into something that I am not, for the purposes he believes in, whatever they are.  His treatment of me varies according to a story he is living.  I feel good when I can see this clearly, it removes me from the scene almost entirely.  (emotionally speaking)

but one of my biggest fears? like, the secret, whisper in the dark fear?

am i making him into something he isn’t? have i turned him into a narcissistic egomaniac for my own purposes? have i been in that for a dozen years?

i doubt myself. primarily because he has made me doubt myself for a dozen years.  Because i don’t have any idea or hold on what was true and what is true, anymore, about him.

and so i let it go, try to let go of the fear of it.

I wrote somewhere else lately that “I trust that there is more goodness than anything else”…

and I do believe that… and if I could believe it applied to my ex I feel like I could really let go of somethings… and my load would be so much lighter.

You know all that nonsense about letting go to move on…? yeah, that .

and then… there’s this: am i really working on forgiving hIM before I even look at forgiving myself? AGAIN? AGAIN?

making him more important than me?!

and so if i turn from that silly froth, i get this:

I Am more Goodness than anything else. 

So there is that.

 

Divorce, Humanity

Trust & Lying Liars and the Lies they tell..

Lovelovemotherexpletive

(thank you al franken, even if you’re an abuser, because i saying lying liars everytime i say either word. and i hope you are not. sincerely, kate.)

***

sometimes the wind blows through you.

you hear something, and the world stills.. and you become glass … one of those beach glass furies of shape, trying to encapsulate what you have just heard… make it less monumental / magical, or trying to fit it IN to your limited worldview…

fail.

when someone presents you with a lie, in the form of the truth… it is a gross violation and can devastate a person.

you think i jest? something so simple could have upended you? what?! but no, listen.

Your mate says to you, “I did not XXXXX last night. You are overthinking it.”

Your mate DID in fact XXXXX last night.  Thinking is unnecessary.

When this is repeated hundreds of time, you do grow to doubt yourself.  after all, this is someone you love.  they couldn’t possibly be lying this many times, right to your face, right?

It can deeply mess with your sense of self-trust. and trust in general, and it takes a while to unwind it from your internally glowing self.  in fact, it takes more than three years, in my case, and i’m working on it pretty regularly.

lots of questions, like ‘how could i have done this for so long? aren’t i smarter than this? why didn’t i see this for what it was? what is it about me that allowed this to be my life with my mate?  why didn’t i try to break this ? why didn’t i demand he get help? why did i ever doubt myself, like even that first time?

AAARGH.  thank god i swear so much in real life, its a real steam-thrower.

In my case specifically, I really think its a mindfuck that comes hand in hand with alcohol.  I don’t know why or how it works, but i’ve never heard of trust and alcohol being a longlasting bond.  Have you? Do you ?

FUUUUG.

 

Divorce

August 31st. Divorce paintings.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

August 31st

0901181731
This place is called Shangri-La. and it is.. 

Its as if ….

cold winter day. But warming . Fingers chapped from the day before, sighting on the buck through the early light and green. Deciding just to watch.

Cold. alone. But with the universe sparkling around…

Cold danger, iconic men in faded blue jeans and boots.

Pause. Breathe. Repeat breathing… repeat breathing!

 

Replace scene with empty warehouse . Quick flash of light.

Replace moments of exhilaration and danger and destruction with emptiness and echo, dust and dessication.

That’s what waking up divorced can feel like.

 

Sometimes it’s fantastic. Many times. Nobody dies. You hear ‘Rappers Delight’ in the background.

 

Other Times the green calls like Brigadoon and you believe the magic is outside somewhere, and no matter how cool you’ve made the warehouse, it can feel like prison.

 

August 31st

Its stretching balloons to fit onto feet, pulling them up to cover feet… squeezing, pulling, snapping latex. It’s how you fit yourself into a marriage because you think this must be happy. Or you believe your vows tie you indelibly together.

Blue lines where the latex is too tight. The pointlessness of balloon slippers.

Divorce

When you are angry

Lovelovemotherexpletive

The thing about divorce is that it just doesn’t end when you sign the papers.  The negotiations, the times you are polite while seething? they just go on and fucking on.

You are disinvited from birthday parties.  the children that you, your very self, have birthed.

You are asked to drop off rather than come in to see the kids’ new rooms, that they are so excited to share with you.  You are not welcome.

I am not particularly petty, and I have tried to continue on in my  way of graciousness, in the face of thoughtlessness and what seems to me to be petty, but he assuredly sees as ‘fostering his own independence’…

OH MY FUCKING GOD.

I AM SO MAD RIGHT NOW.

i have to simmer and let things settle and damn, if i’m not an incredibly impatient person.

so here i am, in this blog i am still hiding from him.  so he won’t be disappointed, so he won’t get confrontational…so he won’t say i’m jeopardizing his career.  I totally had to look up how to spell jeopardizing, you guys. jesus, english is tough.

go ahead and comment. i need the accountability to keep writing. i really do, its a real and solid help.

 

*divorce really sucks. never let it be said otherwise. we all play our parts. we all get angry.  simmer down. simmer down.