(thank you al franken, even if you’re an abuser, because i saying lying liars everytime i say either word. and i hope you are not. sincerely, kate.)
sometimes the wind blows through you.
you hear something, and the world stills.. and you become glass … one of those beach glass furies of shape, trying to encapsulate what you have just heard… make it less monumental / magical, or trying to fit it IN to your limited worldview…
when someone presents you with a lie, in the form of the truth… it is a gross violation and can devastate a person.
you think i jest? something so simple could have upended you? what?! but no, listen.
Your mate says to you, “I did not XXXXX last night. You are overthinking it.”
Your mate DID in fact XXXXX last night. Thinking is unnecessary.
When this is repeated hundreds of time, you do grow to doubt yourself. after all, this is someone you love. they couldn’t possibly be lying this many times, right to your face, right?
It can deeply mess with your sense of self-trust. and trust in general, and it takes a while to unwind it from your internally glowing self. in fact, it takes more than three years, in my case, and i’m working on it pretty regularly.
lots of questions, like ‘how could i have done this for so long? aren’t i smarter than this? why didn’t i see this for what it was? what is it about me that allowed this to be my life with my mate? why didn’t i try to break this ? why didn’t i demand he get help? why did i ever doubt myself, like even that first time?
AAARGH. thank god i swear so much in real life, its a real steam-thrower.
In my case specifically, I really think its a mindfuck that comes hand in hand with alcohol. I don’t know why or how it works, but i’ve never heard of trust and alcohol being a longlasting bond. Have you? Do you ?