December 26

what are you, literally, feeling today?

THE FEELS.

(ala Cynthia, again. I love her. You should go see her. really.)

1. my eyes are tired, they’ve got that slight delay to them, the blink is slower. i feel that.
2. pride. i’m proud that yesterday was so nice. i had a good time. i lost my shit around 4 trying to assemble the rowing machine. but i did it. my first ever solo voyage. and the kids accepted my apology and i lay under the incredibly soft and weighted blanket my sister got me and i cried a little. there’s no one to ask for any help, or even any sympathy and sometimes that gets to me. i feel it. self-pity party. in my freak out i did mention ‘real subtle-like’ some of the reasons why i might be so tired to the kids. it is good for them to gain some knowledge on christmas day. i’m sure they won’t remember. but still.
3. its legit cold this morning, and i put on my boots and got the trash can out in time. the cold was good for my spirit. i think it cleared out some stuff. certainly made me realize that pajamas are not really winter weather gear. the sharpness on my skin was a good reminder of what is, and what is not.
4. the coffee is so strong. the mug is porcelain poured over something else, smooth. i have no idea if its porcelain, its just smooth, with an imprinted, ‘christmas red’ design and i love it, and spent minutes this morning wondering if it were green would it last longer seasonally… like, could i use it into spring without feeling ‘behind’ in cleaning up, somehow. (i do not clean up quickly, but i do need another clearing of house some time in january, so it does get moved away)
5. my skin is still soft, and smells good. oh my. soft. like old-lady soft. bring on the pastel mints.
6. i keep having to consciously pull my shoulders down and relax my arms. i’m carrying some physical stress and I’m not sure what thats about, or why i keep getting wound up. once an hour at least.
7. i just-about sliced the tip of my finger off last week (with scissors, thank you very much) when i was unpackaging a sled. it still hurts. it probably was a stitch-able thing but whatever and its my thumb. everytime i bump it my stomach lurches. i’ve had three freaking babies, folks. what the hell. it hurts distractingly. Its healed up mostly but good lord.
8. i watered all my plants today, it felt like feeding chickens, taking care of babies. i was born to be a mom and i didn’t know it didn’t have to do with kids until after i started having kids. how bout that? i’m just that loving. i love my friends, my plants, my animals, my strangers. its just THAT obnoxious. gah.
9. i always put oranges in stockings. yeah, old school but man, the texture of that skin. can’t you feel it and smell it now?
10. i’m so damn lucky. i know it. my kids are awesome and healthy and i got to see my mom and sister (windows open, everyone masked the whole time, even kids y’all) yesterday. i feel the luck and love.
11. today i’m going to read, and feed them and maybe get them out to the beach for a beauty walk. but thats it, and except for reading, the rest is negotiable. 😉

• i missed yesterday and thought about it a few times. i slept downstairs on the sofa by the tree and woke up before everyone. it was blissy but not necessarily good sleep. i saved my energy for the inevitable ‘will you play this new ooo with me?’ i did, i played, and then i said no, and then i ‘napped’ and then fed them. it was a win for the feeding, after all that. so i forgive myself the miss of not writing. life and all.
• still loves you all plenty.
• me.