Category: Humanity

Humanity

That car is mine now. Zippy.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

Well, mine and the bank’s. And it is super zippy. So deliciously zippy. I can honestly say that ceasing the anxiety of driving a car with every emergency light on has been amazing. Her favorite thing to do at the end was stall out at a stoplight. So much fun. Only in letting her go did I ever give her a gender. She did her job. I drove her until there was no more drive.

And I can honestly say that 98% of what spurred me to get the car I did was exhaustion; exhaustion from anxiety and exhaustion from ceaseless car research. My mother let me borrow her car for several days in a row and it was heavenly and almost necessary that I drive her car, which has 287,000 miles on it. I just surrendered. Car salesmen got me in the chair, and I would have given them my children just to make it all stop.

I don’t think I got taken advantage of, by the way. Because I had a little time when I knew I’d need a new car, I’d actually done a shit ton of research. So I don’t think I’ll be unhappy with my purchase. Maybe when I realize that the bills will just not stop. Ha. But that is probably true when any damn big purchase is made, I suppose. I always expect to be turned down. Where the hell does that come from? No idea at all. But there it is.

and now, the rush.

…And I’ve just finished my FAFSA, to begin the whole shebang of kids in college and all that foolishness. And I bought an easel off Facebook marketplace this weekend and I’m wildly in love with it. I just keep looking at it as an object. Maybe I should’ve bought an uglier one. It’s like a perfect notebook, that you don’t want to write in because it’ll get ruined.

well. idiocy.

And what else? Plant watering is getting away from me and I worry about my houseplants. Pulled up all my dahlias to carry them through the year and now I have no idea how to store them and the whole livingroom is full of what looks like bulbous dried turds. I have a friend who’s son is a chef and I got one of the best meals of my life this week. Holy salivation. I made the call to a home health aide place, and they’ve put me on their list for aides. I don’t know if that means anything, like: will they call me?, but I’m wondering if I get more hands-on experience, I’ll have more of a notion if I would like to make a life around taking care of the elderly, until i become so, i guess. Made my daughter watch the Muppets Christmas Carol and I was bored out of my head. Gah. Gonzo is the only one I love. And also, two of my favorite people got great new job news this week and I’m jealous, I mean, not in a horrible way. Maybe jealous is the wrong word. I’m curious for myself, I think. I’m over the moon for them both and small slices of me slide into contentment at hearing other people’s joy. Great feeling of bubbling bliss. I miss my friend Pam, another bubbler of bliss, and she’s just a damn phone call away. Why aren’t I calling out for more?

and i wonder what the heck is my next movement of joy as regards work? I’m not especially adept at waiting, i confess that much, and i’m not necessarily working towards anything, or it doesn’t feel that way. just muddling. maybe its the doldrums of a seasonal worker? Gargh. So, when allowing things to happen organically, and being impatient, and recognizing actions are necessary, one feels all vitamixed up and choppy.

Yeah, man, I don’t think I should publish this either.

but then .

reality of a bullishly stubborn person… here it is.

-lovelove

An old beginning and some new ones.
Humanity

Buying a car.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t perseverating on it all the time, buying a car. I am. I really am. I’m ceaselessly looking up used cars and reviews and a whole lot of other stuff I am deeply immersed in temporarily. I’m making a male friend come with me each time, to get better prices. I’ve only been to one lot so far, but it was pretty damn tough to get them to look at me. I also know that all of this is information I do not want in my head for any longer than it need be there. I also miss my dad a lot. He’d keep me on the straight and narrow. It does actually make it harder, the time I spend missing him. I don’t want to get pissed off about something so fruitless.

If you have a weird job life, it is hard to get a loan.

I get it. I mean, be careful who you loan money to! I can tell everyone left front and center that my mortgage is MORE THAN PAID by child support and alimony, and they still won’t give me a loan. Which means, my friends, and i’m not even sure that this is a complaint yet, that I am looking at cars below ten thousand dollars, (well, up to 15) and figuring out how to make it work with resources cobbled.

And truly, when i say i’m not sure this is a complaint, I think about continuing on with minimal to no car payments. no further debt. no anchor pulling me down into forever and ever trapped below. And, the last car I bought was when married, relying on someone else’s income, sized to fit three growers and all their buggies, and now i can get something that is more suited to ME. . . and now I will be relying on my very amazing own.

and I can, and that is that.

Yes, there will be car repairs. surely. But it won’t feel that bad to not have another bill right now.

I don’t like how I am around money. Buying a car has brought much crap to the surface, globs of it burbling around. I don’t trust how I want to draw attention to myself in the struggle. It occurred to me that I should add my venmo somewhere in here and leave it there. There is something in it, a lurking gollum, like a gambler who says its just for kicks, but has that look in their eye. I’m not sure I trust myself not to make it seem like a bigger deal, just to pull on a heartstring. This is abhorrent. There is a lot in here. I am suspiciously comfortable with the ‘its okay to help me’ routine. I mean, it is okay, but not like this, this feels salesman-y, and I can see what that is like, and how it feels, and it can’t be me. *And it makes everything easier if there is someone to blame, so let’s drag out the old lameass ex to run him through the mud a couple times too. Shall we? Sigh. There is still work to be done.

If it occurs to you to give me money, please make a donation to something women-centered in your local area. There are women in much greater need than I am. I’m going to buy a car. I will not be without.

So there. Wish me strength in navigation and a strong brush with good luck.

-lovelove

kate

white animal skull on top of vehicle
Yeah baby!! Photo by pascal claivaz on Pexels.com

All jokes aside, I kind of wish this car were an option.

Humanity

Times are long. Nuts.

Lovelovemotherexpletive

This weekend my cousins and aunts and uncles gather here. It was a yearly tradition to gather somewhere and the past few were here, before covid. Its been a long time now, three years maybe, since we gathered.

i’m excited. really pleased and happy. i like my whole family, even those who are so different from me. and they are, really, different.

my kids will be home, and that always makes me feel more myself, which I deeply like. (hear that? I deeply like myself.)

the other side of the coin: dishwasher broke. its brand new. literally within the past month. (yes, i know i should call someone) septic broke. true feelings about my house came out, when my mom recommended a team of four to come clean it. i have ignored this, and cleaned, but it makes me worry about judgement, because my family is really good at ‘the look’. car broke, has no heat and every time it starts i am happy, but also very stressed. (Septic cleared for the moment; all is well for thirty plus guests) I’m finding this side of the coin exhausting. truly exhausting. like, i’d like to sleep through it.

(this is not a sign of liking myself, by the way. not at all.)

and there’s all the people missing, of course. and i made my mother-in-law’s cranberry relish and i’ll put it out on the table and my heart will cry a little. and the photo of my dad has been cleaned off to look presentable. (because thats the kind of cleaning i care about. there’s probably a whole lot of doghair in the wrong place somewhere.) I’m good with details and not the big picture, i guess. But i’m just going to trust that people love me and can live without insulting me or my house for a day. We’ll see. I’ll be okay.

i’m really looking forward to seeing my people. we are a family that gives fantastic hugs, and i’m going to revel in it. a couple of my cousins remind me so much of my dad that its almost painful, and i’m going to revel in that too. while crying a little more on the inside.

and then it will be done, and I’ll still be okay.

There is more love to be found out there, I just have to look for it. Its all mixed up with a whole bunch of things right now. A nut bowl. Who’s going to try the Brazil Nut? Really.

Deep sigh. Going to make a lasagna now, and clean something small, or big, depending on how I’m feeling.

or maybe i’ll read my book. its a mexican soap opera of a thing. definitely escaping. so be it.

lovelove you. hope your heart is full of love, one way or another, no matter what nuts you might have eaten along the way.

-kate

close up of a mix of nuts
Photo by Mark Stebnicki on Pexels.com
Humanity

Back on the log

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’m feeling all Twin Peaks-y, which, for me, just means I am feeling inexplicably weird. Maybe velveteen in the corner for no reason, just petting the log, maybe dancing.

if you know, you know.

I just had therapy for the first time in months. I ended up cancelling out totally in the summertime, finding time to schedule it in was proving too hard and the stress was ridiculous. It was so sweet, I like my lady so much, and it was good to talk about the stuff I had percolating when I first made the appointment, almost a month ago now. Its all that stuff about the season, you know, and the fear of loss, and the inevitable loss, and the mom-ing, and daughtering, and soldiering on.

Everyone should have a therapist. C’mon. Get your log burning, baby.

I’m craving simple things. I want Matthew McConaghey in the seventies, in the orange pants of Dazed and Confused. I remember them as orange anyhow.

I’m tending a sick kid today, nothing serious, just cranky and ‘something’. I’ve got the time to do it, so I am. She’s curled up at my side as I type. We’re watching the fire.

Tuesday I wrote this about the woodstove:

It’s a big black box, yes, in the middle of my circus kitchen. But there is nothing better here. Nothing more needed, more central, when it comes down to it. The most reliable object of the home. No plug required. Not loss if the power goes out. Just four walls, a roof and a door and I feel like I can provide for the family. Really. I wonder if that’s all it was, as I worked Monday, the feeling of managing things. I’m on top of it all, if I can make a fire. Not buried in the avalanche, but on top of the pile, having dug myself out . I’m resting now, in the light. Clear yellow instead of the bruised blue of the snowpile.

May we all get to the top of the snowpile. (if we want to)

I love colors. so much. I wish us sunlight and color. And logs, and velvet.

-love love

me

depth of field photography of brown tree logs
Photo by Khari Hayden on Pexels.com
Humanity

Yesterday was perfect

Lovelovemotherexpletive

I’m pretty sure I know why.

BUT I’M TRYING TO COMMODIFY IT, FIGURE OUT HOW TO COPY IT, REPLICATE IT. CHASE IT.

and that is, well, proving tricky. (there’s a four-thousand-word essay in there, but not today, not for me.)

It was my first full day of working from home. plus a class. and I was not full of fight. I just settled in, made a fire, and got to work. I had work. I had a meeting. I wasn’t googling things or sending messages, I was just working, and talking about work, in my kitchen, surrounded by 10th birthday party decorations.

The boys got home, as their soccer season officially ended with Sunday night’s loss and devastation. They were so happy the fire was lit, the house was warm. Home, cozy, together, mom working while they putzed around. If its possible, I’m going to encapsulate this one and swallow it down, keep it forever. The day I managed things.

It all got managed. Work, warmth, kids, food, laundry, creative thinking, all of it. Like a frosting swirl that is just the perfect amount and not too sweet. Perfect.

I did that. I had that day. I’m just going to sit in it for awhile and ignore everything else going on today.

love you guys.

-me.

The view from the writing spot