I’ve been sleeping poorly, now, two nights in a row, unable to regulate my temperature. So, I’m hot, I’m cold, I’m sweating and I have a headache when I wake. This is not ideal. (she laughs hysterically)
Yesterday I called in the LM and he arrived, and I rallied. Stood up, took a bath, got it together. Because having someone around is supposed to be a support. Who knew? I mean, really, just having him here making chitchat with the littlest while she does Barbie whoknowswhat? Made me feel more in-control, less likely to snap in my tiredness and just made the whole thing SO MUCH GODDAMNED BETTER.
Maybe its only the times I’ve been on my own, even when married, that make me see the incredible value in presence. I think it is. the difference that having another adult in the house can make…
I’ve made an appointment for therapy because i think i’m actually being hit by a bunch of things at once… an anniversary with LM, which freaks me right the hell out. a repetitious relationship with an ex, which saddens me every time. one kid who thinks i’m going back to the ex, eventually, still, which makes me want to vomit with guilt for all that he does not know.
and so i’m doing whirligigs here, internally. LM is just amazing and even when I say things that potentially might undo him, he is listening and staying and holding on to me. Its astonishing, frankly.
and so, i need therapy again.
DID I MENTION IT IS SCHOOL VACATION WEEK AND WE ARE ALL HOME TOGETHER?!
except my 14 year old, who has been on two skiing trips because you know. 14. sigh. beauty and stretch.
i do love you. hope you are well.
- OH, and my cold or whatever this is is affecting MY HEARING, which means everything is muffled and I have to put my face into someone elses to hear. which makes mothering spectacular.
- OH, and the fastest way to get relief is to call my ex, which gives me great anxiety.
- OH, and school vacation. Did I say that?
- OH, and i’m working on a childrens book and I love it, and I am too invested in imaginary illustrations already… sigh. know any agents? (hysterical laughing)