I did, I did try to come up with a better title. I mean, there are kids here.
But my kids know my language, and thankfully have no interest in what i write, so, good.
So. therapy yesterday was cancelled because there were, albeit temporarily, two kids home sick from school. one went in late because she had a nap and all was well. turns out, my almost 14 year old still likes to whip himself into a froth about exciting things and is comatose in my bed while he ‘prepares’ for his trip to DC.
But, I got to talk to Chakra Carol on the phone because I really, really want to know what all this harsh judgement of others is doing/serving/exposing in me… because i’m not really allowing myself to talk to anyone because i’m so ugly inside and it just hurts.
Chakra Carol says:
A relationship arrives which gives you the opportunity to heal. You have a lot of anger, but now there is no one to pin it on. You cannot trust, but there is no one to pin it on. SO KABOOM, out into the universe it goes…
KABOOM. because, dealing with it in myself is much less clear and easy than looking at other people and judging them for what sins i see in myself. pretense, manipulation, control issues…
Am I false? falsifying my life? Am I manipulating facts to make pretty stories? (i seem to be failing this, if its my intention, because hello ugly.) Mostly, I don’t think so but ask me if I value my self… i dare you.
Ask me if I believe in my innate goodness? Do i deserve fresh coffee or do i deserve yesterday’s remains? (this, yes, is actually a thing)
My fears are running wild. so i have work to do. noticing. ( a big C.C. thing) in noticing, not judging.
say, ‘I am fearful of being in a relationship in which I am not mistreated’.
say, ‘I am afraid that I am inherently unlovable.’
say, ‘I do not trust that I can be loved.’
Notice it in me, and don’t judge it. let it lie. point at it, if need be, but let it lie.
slow. slow. slow.
roll on it like a marble. but don’t judge it.
maybe if i can lay it down like a river, i’ll remember my compassion for myself, and by the transitive property, the rest of the world.
because . we both deserve it. me. and the world.
