sigh. motherhood.
am i right?
that was me for most of my days when my kids were under 5. I’m not in that spot anymore. i recognize it, i remember her well, and can impersonate her at will.
but my kids are just huge. and with divorce comes a whole huge dose of the new adult understanding of impermanence. i’m just gifted them for such a damn short time. and then they go off into the world and i’m still living with me, in the end, just me, as roommate and lovah, all. (even if there is someone else there, or a slow dribble of children coming and going)…
i’ve handled things differently this vacation, for the first time ever. choose differently. i am using money to have two whole days wherein all 3 kids will be at camps. and one will be gone four whole days in the end. its allowing me to write here, to do a little bit of thinking, and to act as if it were almost a normal week, which honestly? is so so good.
because its school vacation and the biggest dickish one is very clearly ME. the fiery circle of hell that is my dinner time prep on vacation days is dissipated, because its an almost regular day. and because i have a little bit of routine i can handle the constant calls for entertainment and food and bitchery that emanate from the living areas . almost like an odor.
right now? i’m typing this at a starbucks because i have a giftcard . rock that. school vacation week and i’m alone with hot coffee and a bit of focus. i don’t believe it either. but there it is… a little change in thinking and a redirection of funds, and there is an EASTER MIRACLE.
right now? yes, right now it is a MIRACLE. look for one near you. 
